Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I think my STBXs whole affair was mainly about these three major factors - Control, Resentment and her Emptiness inside herself.
She had lied so much about the situation when it first came down as I have stated, she lied on my sons souls and on her mothers bible to keep me confused and also because she had so much guilt and to gain some sort of control over me as to the real reason why she all the sudden was acting the way she was acting - because it worked for her in the sense that I was pretty much doing everything that the books would tell you at the time to try to save my marriage I mean I went on full alert to do whatever was necessary to win her back so to speak - giving her extra extra attention, talking to her calmly taking care of every single house hold situation from vacuuming to laundry to running the kids here and there and this is after a 10 hour work day. Trying to convince her to see a marriage counselor etc.
Resentment for whatever she had in her head that I wasnt cleaning enough whatever bull crap about not getting enough help from my family for her for our sons my family lives close to us but my mother has serious health issues.
Emptiness that she has - her terrible communication skills If I was ever wrong I just said hey Im sorry her never ever admitting she was sorry and yelling at me and her not so stiller communication with our sons she would yell at them all the time when trying to explain homework or whatever her reasoning was her parents yelled a lot at her when growing up. Her emptiness about her job/career where she never ever tried to advance herself even with me offering to help her with classes online she felt like she wouldnt be successful in that and so gave up I have an MBA great job.
I really think those 3 main factors provided her with the fuel to jump off the deep end at least in her mind.
Whats also interesting in this is I had offered to pay for her to take both of my sons with her back to her Country (Colombia) for the whole summer 3 months which I have visited Colombia multiple times and would even transfer there to make her happy (happy wife/happy home) I would actually tell her that - with her and love it there. And she turned it down when this whole thing was going down. She actually turned down going to see her parents and take a 3 months vacation I think the addition to this AP was over whelming or whatever goes through crazytown minds.
There are many different levels to this as well the fact her father cheated on her mother for 3 years and she had to kick her father out of the house so she saw what this did to her mother up close and personal which had brought her mother literally to her knees whereas she couldnt work/eat function for those whole 3 years. She had seen the nuclear/Affair option her father used and figure she could do that as well. Again my parents are still together so I cant relate nor would I ever use it.
She just seems extremely pissed off that I am not waiting for her that I have moved on and found someone who is way better then her in everyway shape and form. We have way more in common and she is extremely smart my new GF does have an MBA as well.
Back to her - Her AP also had been divorced twice, filed for bankruptcy, protection order domestic violence- your basic allstar/upstanding citizen. How do I know all this I ran a background check on mr jackass and confronted her with it her reply was first to lie and deny it wasnt him then the following day admit and to tell me she knew more about him which turned out that he has a substance abuse issue. Awesome.
Its a sad situation for our children because I would always say to her that it takes a village to raise a family my father has said you now have a different village for me I view it as people make it through worse things I pray that I have the strength and I will not allow her to bring me down to her level and with the help of my lovely/awesome girlfriend who actually was cheated on after 14 years of marriage as well we can both relate to this subject although she does not have kids involved because for her ex that would just be too much responsibility for him he just would never wanted kids only once post divorce did he regret not having kids with her.
She had lied so much about the situation when it first came down as I have stated, she lied on my sons souls and on her mothers bible to keep me confused and also because she had so much guilt and to gain some sort of control over me as to the real reason why she all the sudden was acting the way she was acting - because it worked for her in the sense that I was pretty much doing everything that the books would tell you at the time to try to save my marriage I mean I went on full alert to do whatever was necessary to win her back so to speak - giving her extra extra attention, talking to her calmly taking care of every single house hold situation from vacuuming to laundry to running the kids here and there and this is after a 10 hour work day. Trying to convince her to see a marriage counselor etc.
Resentment for whatever she had in her head that I wasnt cleaning enough whatever bull crap about not getting enough help from my family for her for our sons my family lives close to us but my mother has serious health issues.
Emptiness that she has - her terrible communication skills If I was ever wrong I just said hey Im sorry her never ever admitting she was sorry and yelling at me and her not so stiller communication with our sons she would yell at them all the time when trying to explain homework or whatever her reasoning was her parents yelled a lot at her when growing up. Her emptiness about her job/career where she never ever tried to advance herself even with me offering to help her with classes online she felt like she wouldnt be successful in that and so gave up I have an MBA great job.
I really think those 3 main factors provided her with the fuel to jump off the deep end at least in her mind.
Whats also interesting in this is I had offered to pay for her to take both of my sons with her back to her Country (Colombia) for the whole summer 3 months which I have visited Colombia multiple times and would even transfer there to make her happy (happy wife/happy home) I would actually tell her that - with her and love it there. And she turned it down when this whole thing was going down. She actually turned down going to see her parents and take a 3 months vacation I think the addition to this AP was over whelming or whatever goes through crazytown minds.
There are many different levels to this as well the fact her father cheated on her mother for 3 years and she had to kick her father out of the house so she saw what this did to her mother up close and personal which had brought her mother literally to her knees whereas she couldnt work/eat function for those whole 3 years. She had seen the nuclear/Affair option her father used and figure she could do that as well. Again my parents are still together so I cant relate nor would I ever use it.
She just seems extremely pissed off that I am not waiting for her that I have moved on and found someone who is way better then her in everyway shape and form. We have way more in common and she is extremely smart my new GF does have an MBA as well.
Back to her - Her AP also had been divorced twice, filed for bankruptcy, protection order domestic violence- your basic allstar/upstanding citizen. How do I know all this I ran a background check on mr jackass and confronted her with it her reply was first to lie and deny it wasnt him then the following day admit and to tell me she knew more about him which turned out that he has a substance abuse issue. Awesome.
Its a sad situation for our children because I would always say to her that it takes a village to raise a family my father has said you now have a different village for me I view it as people make it through worse things I pray that I have the strength and I will not allow her to bring me down to her level and with the help of my lovely/awesome girlfriend who actually was cheated on after 14 years of marriage as well we can both relate to this subject although she does not have kids involved because for her ex that would just be too much responsibility for him he just would never wanted kids only once post divorce did he regret not having kids with her.
I still remember when my parents had one big fight and they are still together.
I take my oldest to a psychotherapist but all I see that dude do is watch his clock. I need to take them to someone else but he is so young 7 years old that I am not sure talking about helps much cause its all over his head.
However it is the bad actions that have the negative impct on the kids.
Have you thought of Play Therapy? i have not used it personally for my kids, but i know several that have had positive experiences with it. Counselors that are experienced in Play therapy seem to recomend that over talk therapy for kids younger than 11.
There's some prayer that goes: Accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference. Bingo! In summary, C'est La Vie, my friend.
Our time is better spent doing Damage Control from our WS's actions and work on building a better Life 2.0. With your new partner (GF) and your children and your family. Keyword: Leverage, anyone and everyone...yes it does take a village.
You're doing the best that you can with your kids. Here's a good book that might help:
http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Who-Cheat-Children-Unfaithful/dp/0757306527/