Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I need help.... I need some advice. Early this month I found out my H was cheating with prostitutes and I found out its been going on since 2011. I found out through his old cell phones he gave our daughter to play with. I have not confronted him because I am making plans to leave with the children (I am looking for a house). I did not want to confront until I was ready to go. Just last night I decided to look at his new phone while he was asleep and there it was, a meeting with a hooker last week. So I've concluded that he's crazy.
I do not want to make it work because he have cheated on me before with a woman about 6 years ago (not a prostitute) and we got through that. But now with the prostitutes and all I am just done. It is over for me.
Here is the thing..... since I found out I am having a hard time living with him and pretending everything is normal. I am so hurt, mad and so angry but I can't say anything. Or I chose not to say anything because I don't want him to know what I know yet. I want to wait until I am ready to leave because I know him and I know once I confront him he is going to try everything in his power to win me back and stop me from leaving when its time. With me living in the same house he will have an advantage but I no longer want this marriage. I am so disgusted with him.... I don't even know who he is anymore.
So what should I do? I am having a difficult time keeping this information to myself without confronting him. I am having a hard time cooking his dinner and being nice and acting like a happy wife. Not to mention when he wants to be intimate. All I think about is him and those prostitutes. I am on the edge of screaming if I don't confront him but yet I do not want to confront yet. Should I tell him and how do I tell him without him stopping me from leaving (when I find my house). Or should I hold off until I leave even through I am having a hard time not saying anything?
I do not want to make it work because he have cheated on me before with a woman about 6 years ago (not a prostitute) and we got through that. But now with the prostitutes and all I am just done. It is over for me.
Here is the thing..... since I found out I am having a hard time living with him and pretending everything is normal. I am so hurt, mad and so angry but I can't say anything. Or I chose not to say anything because I don't want him to know what I know yet. I want to wait until I am ready to leave because I know him and I know once I confront him he is going to try everything in his power to win me back and stop me from leaving when its time. With me living in the same house he will have an advantage but I no longer want this marriage. I am so disgusted with him.... I don't even know who he is anymore.
So what should I do? I am having a difficult time keeping this information to myself without confronting him. I am having a hard time cooking his dinner and being nice and acting like a happy wife. Not to mention when he wants to be intimate. All I think about is him and those prostitutes. I am on the edge of screaming if I don't confront him but yet I do not want to confront yet. Should I tell him and how do I tell him without him stopping me from leaving (when I find my house). Or should I hold off until I leave even through I am having a hard time not saying anything?
I believe it is to your advantage to keep it under wraps until you are ready to pull the plug. Not only because you will be free of the drama it would create until you can leave that telling him would cause, but also it gives him a chance to take some preemptive legal steps that might make it harder for you if he knows earlier that he is caught.
Look at it this way. For years he's been keeping these secrets from you, feeling in control and powerful and acting like everything is hunky dory. Now it is your turn to give him a taste of his own medicine. Now you can live your double life, and make him think you are his happy, unsuspecting wife who is totally clueless. It is your turn to be deceptive. If you do this right, he'll be totally blindsided when the divorce papers arrive and he comes home to find you've moved out.
Look at it more as a scam to play him for a fool, because that's certainly what he's been doing to you all this time. Your payoff for enduring the pretend happy wife act will be him left open mouthed when the truth hits. Keep that in mind, and maybe this play acting during this period will be more tolerable . . . maybe even fun if you look at it right.
It will do him good to find out he's not the only one can pull the wool over people's eyes.
Do exactly like Cole said.. Convince your mind and emotions that it's your game now. Try and feel cold and calculating... Like the way he dealt with you. Don't give your power away right now in the heat of the moment. How long do you have before you think you'll find something? If it is not longer than 1-2 months more.. Just hold on! Post here when you feel like you might lose it.
When the time comes I letter and coming home to you gone is sufficient, considering what he's done. You are getting a lawyer, right?
That's a long time to bottle it up without a serious implosion.
I would gather all the physical evidence you have on him and his licentious expenditures, make copies, place them in an envelope with his name on it, tape it to the front door, change the locks, and let him know that he is no longer welcome in your home.
Seek legal advice and take the necessary steps to bring happiness and joy back into your life. The longer you delay, the longer you stay.
When you ask, "Should I tell him and how do I tell him without him stopping me from leaving (when I find my house)", I cannot help but wonder how is it that he can stop you from leaving? This sentence can be misconstrued to read that perhaps you do want him to stop you from leaving, and that's understandable. You are experiencing your second d day, and that's a BS's worst nightmare.
What's more is that you're having to pretend nothing's wrong when your world map has been ripped out from under you, again. You have children to care for and sensitive ears to protect, and you are taking on more than any one person can handle. My fear is that if this goes on for much longer, your health will suffer.
If you really want him out, then kick him out. If you really want to talk to him, then talk to him. If you know that talking to him will, for whatever reason, cause you to feel like you cannot leave, then you know what your choices are.
I wish you strength and temperance.
Betrayedintoronto I understand what you are saying. I am leaving the home because I've no longer wanted to live there for along time. Before I found out about my H affairs I convinced my H that we should move into a bigger home. So we decided next summer we would buy a new home. The marital home we are in now is in his name only because when we bought the house my credit was not as good as his and we got a better interest rate and better terms with just him on the house. So the house is in his name only and I'm sure I will get the house when we divorce but its just not working for our family anymore. We have 2 older daughters and 2 younger daughters. Since we have had the two youngest we have needed more space and the house doesn't work for us anymore. I would much rather leave and he can keep this house.
When I say he will not let me leave.... I am saying he can be very controlling when he finds out I am out the door. He will put up a fight and it could get ugly. Its happened before in the past when he had the first affair. I actually put him out and he refused to leave. Weeks later I tried to leave and it got nasty. Eventually I ended up at a hotel with the children and eventually coming back home days later because hotels aren't cheap. I didn't have a plan. So this time I am not leaving and coming back.... I will have a plan this time. I want my house so when I leave I will be gone for good.
I wish you well.
Do exactly as Cole suggests. But you also really, really, really need to consult a lawyer. Did I mention that you need to consult a lawyer? Because you REALLY need to do that. It could very well mean the difference between a bright financial future, and abject poverty.
I really wish you well. We're all pulling for you.
I just wanted to come and offer support and say I too have proud you have held on for so long. I couldn't do it either. Every time I found something I blew up. So hold on a little longer. And as far as intimacy I wouldn't give him squat. He is getting it outside and the risk are to high.
Oh and don't forget to do as Mr. Cellophane said...seek out that lawyer. And if he gets aggressive and threatening a restraining order.
And as far as intimacy goes.... I haven't given him any. I keep making up excuses but he still wants to kiss me goodbye when he or I leave out, touch me constantly etc. I know he is using condoms on the hookers because I found his stash high on top of the kitchen cabinets. Each week it gets lower. I have plenty of evidence, pictures, text message records. I will blow this up in his face. Thanks everyone!! Because of your responses I feel a lot better!!