Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've been in a relationship with my husband for over 12 years. Just married this summer. I found out just after the wedding that he had made a new female friend at work that he was secretely talking/ texting. It became an issue for me that he was hiding it. This led to him declaring that our relationship has ben bad for years and he just wanted a friend to talk to. It is true that we have a lot of issues that need fixing. We just never focused on it or tried to heal things.
We started counselling. I asked him to remove her from his life because she was causing issues and we needed to focus on us. He did not let her go.
Our troubles continued and he had an emotional crisis at work over this. He said she was there for him and couldn't see that I was also. He told me it was over, his counsellors and friends told him to just do what ever makes him happy. He said he needed to go find joy and happiness in his own life. He also said it had nothing to do with her.
He took off for the weekend to go to his buddies to sort out his feelings about us. He left his computer on and I could see thier text conversation of flirting back and forth and making plans to meet up with her. This led me to calling him and asking him to come home and focus on us and not go to her. He did not come home for days.
The next week was hard He was not staying at home and he was giving me mixed messages. He finally asked to come home and work on us. We did. I asked for full disclosure and openess to tell me everything. I gave him many opportunities. He insisted there was no more lies and he had told me everything. He insisted it did not go beyond some kissing. She was out of his life now. We hard a hard, very wonderful three weeks to reconnect and try to rebuild.
Last night he lied to me that his bosses told him she is accusing me of harrassment at work because I sent a private message to some of her family. It was poor judgement to send the messages. I did so after an emtional time. He said my job was on the line and I needed to delete them. This was a lie. He called her after I told him what I did and she told him to tell me to delete it. He said he did this because he was worried about the repercussions for us at work. This led to him finally coming clean about everything, after I begged him to tell me. He did have SEX with her and had lied to me repeatedly after so many opportunities.
I still love him and our time of rebuilding felt right. Our children were heartbroken when he had left to be with her.
How can I ever trust again? Am I supposed to believe that his lying was to protect me and my feelings? Should this even affect our healing process? How can I not just kick him out of my life?
His lying was not to protect you or your feelings; that's what every cheating spouse tells their loyal spouse, in order to score points and take the focus off the truth. They do it to protect themselves, because they believe that if their loyal spouse were to know the whole truth, they would not forgive them or take them back; it's one of the chapters in the Cheaters Handbook.
Should this even affect your healing process? Uhhh, you'd be the judge of that. Would you be here if it didn't?
At this point the only thing that can save him, is for him to remove all passwords on his digital devices, and allow you to peruse them whenever you so desire, for a start. Any deleted items can be retrieved with software, let him know this, and sometimes bluffing will force out the truth. Another thing he must do, is cancel or postpone any activities that takes him away from the household, other than work; that's called being in the doghouse. Another thing he must do is show you complete remorse for what he did. I will surmise that he left you for that time thinking she was going to be it, and something went awry for him to come crawling back, so be careful as his intentions may not be authentic. They're strong with a woman in the wings, yet weaklings on their own.
Has he lied about other things? You can bet your knickers on that. Will he tell you the whole truth about everything – highly unlikely, because cheaters don't want to believe those things about themselves, they're grasping to protect whatever dignity they have left once the cat is out of the bag.
In order for you to restart your grieving process, you're going to have to pay attention to triggers and doing something about them. You're back to square one, with war wounds, so you're going to need an extra amount of care and sense of security before you'll be able to feel any kind of relief from your grief. Once you can do this, you can start working your way back to your recovery and healing.
The general consensus is to not make any rash decisions, like kicking him out. This is a time to be together and to speak truthfully to one another without any secrecy or alliance to anyone except each other. You must find a place to tuck your anger aside to be able to think clearly and speak to one another in a respectful manner, even though you may want to punch his face.
This is your opportunity to discover whether or not he is the man you want to continue the rest of your life with. Don't throw away this opportunity, you'll be sure to regret it. Calm yourself with whatever works, and use this time to talk and find out if you can resolve this, what measures need to be put into place to make it work.
Lastly, it's important to realize that after infidelity, your relationship will never be the same again. It takes on a different shade, and your perspective becomes coloured by it. If you are willing to accept the change, and are the type of person who tries to see the good in everything, instead of dwelling on the bad, chances are you can reconcile successfully, but you both have to want it.
Asking him to sleep in another room, is okay, but asking him to leave often just causes more problems for the betrayed spouse, leaving you wondering if he's gone back to her, and leaving you alone and abandoned to grieve. It's no place to be, so give it time and do a lot of talking, and you will soon feel some relief.