Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've been in therapy for some time and my counselor wanted me to go to a CODA group that she and another counselor lead. This other counselor made a comment last time I was there that really bothered me and I needed to tell someone who's been where I've been.
He was counseling a girl in the group with some problems with her mom and her dad and sister were ganging up on her for distancing herself from her mother and the counselor didn't understand why the dad would divorce the mom and get mad at the daughter for needing to distance herself because she felt hurt by things her mother was doing.
At one point she mentioned her dad had an affair and that's why the divorce took place, and the counselor said "Oh so he wasn't getting what he needed so he had to step out of the marriage"
That comment made me feel horrible. This is someone I'm trusting with my deeply personal stuff and this is his attitude towards cheaters?! It made me angry. I'm sick and tired of the betrayed spouse getting blamed for the cheater's actions.
I don't think I was getting what I needed, but I deliberately chose to be faithful, I deliberately chose to stick to my principles and set up boundaries to keep me from temptation when I was vulnerable and hurting. I did not HAVE to step out of the marriage just because I wasn't getting what I needed so why should anyone else HAVE to? Why doesn't anyone seem to concern themselves with the betrayed spouse's needs and feelings.
It also implies that you need a romantic attachment to a man or a woman to get what you need. and that makes me depressed. I don't feel like I'm in any shape to be in a romantic relationship even after being divorced for a year and it's hard to imagine actually trusting someone, and I'm not sure if I ever want to get married again, but I still have needs and I'd like to get all of what I need whether I'm in a relationship or not. I don't feel like I should have to wait to get emotional needs met until I decide I want a man and he's actually being faithful.
I'm also upset because apparently my ex H decided he needed to talk to a counselor to see how he'd feel and I'd feel if we got divorced and he happened to see this guy. When I confronted him about the affair two years ago, he told me this counselor said I probably had social anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and something else my XH couldn't remember and that the counselor didn't think our marriage could make it because my XH had a lot of animosity towards me and that is usually the last step. It upset me when that counselor said that too, though I realize what's getting filtered through my XH might be taken completely out of context. So, this counselor is not becoming my favorite person, I'm glad he's not the one I talk to for individual counseling but still I see him and my counselor for the CODA group.
Anyway, I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.
He was counseling a girl in the group with some problems with her mom and her dad and sister were ganging up on her for distancing herself from her mother and the counselor didn't understand why the dad would divorce the mom and get mad at the daughter for needing to distance herself because she felt hurt by things her mother was doing.
At one point she mentioned her dad had an affair and that's why the divorce took place, and the counselor said "Oh so he wasn't getting what he needed so he had to step out of the marriage"
That comment made me feel horrible. This is someone I'm trusting with my deeply personal stuff and this is his attitude towards cheaters?! It made me angry. I'm sick and tired of the betrayed spouse getting blamed for the cheater's actions.
I don't think I was getting what I needed, but I deliberately chose to be faithful, I deliberately chose to stick to my principles and set up boundaries to keep me from temptation when I was vulnerable and hurting. I did not HAVE to step out of the marriage just because I wasn't getting what I needed so why should anyone else HAVE to? Why doesn't anyone seem to concern themselves with the betrayed spouse's needs and feelings.
It also implies that you need a romantic attachment to a man or a woman to get what you need. and that makes me depressed. I don't feel like I'm in any shape to be in a romantic relationship even after being divorced for a year and it's hard to imagine actually trusting someone, and I'm not sure if I ever want to get married again, but I still have needs and I'd like to get all of what I need whether I'm in a relationship or not. I don't feel like I should have to wait to get emotional needs met until I decide I want a man and he's actually being faithful.
I'm also upset because apparently my ex H decided he needed to talk to a counselor to see how he'd feel and I'd feel if we got divorced and he happened to see this guy. When I confronted him about the affair two years ago, he told me this counselor said I probably had social anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and something else my XH couldn't remember and that the counselor didn't think our marriage could make it because my XH had a lot of animosity towards me and that is usually the last step. It upset me when that counselor said that too, though I realize what's getting filtered through my XH might be taken completely out of context. So, this counselor is not becoming my favorite person, I'm glad he's not the one I talk to for individual counseling but still I see him and my counselor for the CODA group.
Anyway, I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.
And I wouldn't like that counselor either. I wouldnt' like that my ex went to him. I think it's pretty sad that the counselor thought your marriage wouldn't last cuz of YOU instead of the fact that your ex cheated and ruined your marriage. I would TRY (if you can) to take it with a grain of salt. He's just not a good counselor (in my opinion) and I wouldn't take what he says at face value. Try to focus on the other counselor in the group.
Hang in there. OH... and about getting your needs met, no, you do not need a man or romance to get your needs met. I always thought I did, but now I realize I don't. If my marriage ends, I will be just FINE! I'll focus on me and my daughter's needs and spend LOTS of time with friends and family. And a fling now and then (with a SINGLE person) wouldn't be bad either! :)
Did you call him out on it?
Does he think that there is some justifiable reason for cheating? Some good reason for breaking your vows, hurting your family, destroying your marriage?
Man, he pisses me off.
Designgirl is right. Those needs should have been communicated, but they are not the unwritten right to step out of your marriage.
I have heard this before. Many times. Makes me mad every time. Very mad. My response to those who made that comment when my EX H cheated on me...
'If he was that unhappy, he could have told me, he could have left me, he could have fought for me, but he never had any right to betray me. Never.'
End of story. If this is your counselor, get the hell out from under his wing...after you confront the hell out of him.
L~
He could have had the balls to deal with our relationship issues head on and honestly or had the balls to get the hell out. The man has demonstrated quite clearly he has no balls at all. Cut and run like a coward, that is definately my XH in a nutshell.
This counselor is just plain stupid. Relationships have issues. ALL of them. It is how the couple deals with them that speaks to the character of each.
There was a lot missing in my relationship and when I was honest with myself about it I began to work to correct things. I had let activities bury my loneliness in the relationship. My XH instead decided to create a new "friendship" with someone else. He never had a right to do that while still married to me. Not for a second no matter what the issues. It isn't rocket science so this councilor has no excuse for such a blanket stereotypical statement. He should be confronted about it. At the very least speak to your individual counselor about it. It was crass, unprofessional and very, very wrong. Send the counselor back to school. He needs to join reality and some one who has been through it may be just the right person to get this lesson to sink in. Just my thoughts.
Well stated !!
From all that I have read the Counsellor who made the remark:
"Oh so he wasn't getting what he needed so he had to step out of the marriage" was making his own personal statement and a Counsellor must NOT and NEVER do that, that was so inappropriate.
The last parargraph stood out too. You have to ask yourself, was your H really telling you the truth; I think not.
Maybe you could consider going to another group. If you feel uncomfortable with this Counsellor around, it will not help you in the healing process.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
God bless
A
My counsleor was also the one to tell me my ex was Narcissistic. Gave me books to read. The more I read the more I knew my counselor was right. He was the one to ask me if my ex had married one of his g/fs yet. The very next visit I went in with email stating she was his wife. Yes, I found the marriage license. That's how I got my divorce.
He didn't have the balls to be a man and say he wanted a divorce. But he didn't want a divorce. He was into game playing and wanted me to stay while he continued to cheat. I got out.
You might really want to try to find another group not connected with that counselor. He is so off base with his thinking and what he had to say.
In other words... some counselors need counseling themselves!
Trisha, you could be writing my story here. Glad you got one great counselor.
How old in your daughter? Can I ask? My youngest certainly blamed me for leaving him, actually. Her words, 'We all know he lies all the time. You should be used to it.' She was pretty young at the time - like 14. I kept her in counseling. She has lived with me fulltime for about 3 years now and is doing much better.
Sending support your way.
L~
I agree with all the others here, a counselor with a very skewed, and narrow perspective.
They must not realize what effect they have on the patient, or hurting party. Very sad, and also very unprofessional!!
Have you decided to voice your dissatisfaction to someone there, if not the source directly? I sure would!!!
Sorry, but what is this CODA group? Please forgive my ignorance? Are you planning to continue going? I'm guessing it is a support group of some type with others who have endured this?
I know one girl who was there the first time I went was talking about her husband - apparently he was being emotionally abusive and controlling and calling her names like bitch and whore and she made some comment like I don't think I would have done this if I loved him, I have morals.
At that point she was getting a divorce. The second time I went like 3-4 weeks later, she was completely different, was back with her husband, seemed to actually be taking responsibility for her own actions and said she wasn't going to talk to guys anymore.
The second time I went was okay. The third time I went was when the counselor made that comment.
I wanted to say - when I went to DivorceCare, the woman leading it had her almost 20 year marriage end because of her ex-husband's infidelity and she had 5 daughters. She said some of her kids lashed out at her even though they knew their father had an affair. She was telling someone else in the group that kids have a tendency to lash out where they feel safest. So, for those of you who were blamed by your kids, it may be because they feel a lot safer with you and it's easier to vent to you where they feel safe than with the other parent.
Can I count the times she said, 'I could never say that to dad. He would never speak to me again.'
She trusted my unconditional love for her. For some reason, she didn't trust his.
One bit of great advice I got from her counselor was to be her 'planet.' Be her constant. Be her 'always.' Keep pulling her in with my love and support. No, I didn't take her sassy mouth and her disrespect - but I kept those lines always open. Even when she didn't want to hear from me. That happened quite a bit...for a while.
Now she has been with me full time for about 3 years. Not even an over night with her Dad.
so, if anyone else is going thru this? That's my advice.
Great post, Healing...
L~