Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
To be brief - husband has cheated on me twice (same person) - the last time was more than a year ago and i thought maybe we were in the clear. Then last week, had noticed him being secretive when he had his phone out - would immediately drop the screen to his side if he saw me walk in the room - would take the phone in the bathroom with him for what seemed like a long time, etc. I could never get the phone away from him to see if there was anything worrying on it. Well today, he left the phone in the bathroom and I was able to finally access it. First thing I see in his messages is a photo of a naked woman in the shower telling him how she wants him - him texting back how much he wants her, etc (I have cleaned up the actual language used).
As a side note, this is a different woman than the last one.
I turned off the phone, left the bathroom and have acted like nothing unusual is going on for the day so far. But tonight I guess I get to reveal what I know and sit there through all the lies and explanations and bs he will likely feed me. The other two times I caught him, I was the one who had to tell him I found him out - he has never admitted to any wrongdoing on his own.
The first two times this happened, I was so broken hearted - I thought I had married my best friend and was devastated that he would hurt me. He seemed devastated at the time then too. But I don't even know who this person is anymore. I have never said a word about his cheating to anyone - family, friends, etc - because I was embarrassed and didn't want people thinking less of us as we worked it out the first two times. But now I am just so sad, so tired, so over this. I don't even know what I want him to say tonight - I don't know what I want to say tonight - I just I can't keep going through this over and over. My self esteem, ability to trust, and overall happiness is just so destroyed. Knowing what we went through to try to save our marriage the last time, I just don't understand how he could do this again. Part of me feels I need to try to salvage this marriage and part of me feels it is time to just salvage myself.
As a side note, this is a different woman than the last one.
I turned off the phone, left the bathroom and have acted like nothing unusual is going on for the day so far. But tonight I guess I get to reveal what I know and sit there through all the lies and explanations and bs he will likely feed me. The other two times I caught him, I was the one who had to tell him I found him out - he has never admitted to any wrongdoing on his own.
The first two times this happened, I was so broken hearted - I thought I had married my best friend and was devastated that he would hurt me. He seemed devastated at the time then too. But I don't even know who this person is anymore. I have never said a word about his cheating to anyone - family, friends, etc - because I was embarrassed and didn't want people thinking less of us as we worked it out the first two times. But now I am just so sad, so tired, so over this. I don't even know what I want him to say tonight - I don't know what I want to say tonight - I just I can't keep going through this over and over. My self esteem, ability to trust, and overall happiness is just so destroyed. Knowing what we went through to try to save our marriage the last time, I just don't understand how he could do this again. Part of me feels I need to try to salvage this marriage and part of me feels it is time to just salvage myself.
My humble opinion is that he has been given, through your grace, enough chances and you should seriously consider moving on. The only caveat is that if he makes a complete 180 and abides by all of your rules, your terms and accepts all of his blame then if it is what you want, consider it.
My best.
J
But you certainly have every right to cut your losses if that's where you feel it needs to go. At least you can say you tried to make it work, and he couldn't change his behaviors to take advantage of those opportunities. Keep in mind it is him throwing this all away, not you, even if you have to be the one to pull the trigger on the marriage. He pulled it first, apparently multiple times. But it is not an easy decision to make many times.
This time he swears this is a person he only ever meet online - that they never had any physical contact or spent anytime together in person. From what I can find - that *may* be true. He has not had any trips out of town or evenings when I was away from the house like he did last time to provide an opportunity for him to meet up with someone. However, being cheated on once, it is very hard to trust what he says - obviously. And of course, who knows where things might have gone if I hadn't found out when I did. I don't know what to think.
It's clear that he did not understand the repercussions of his past indiscretions. It doesn't really matter that he didn't have physical contact this time around, he still went about mixing up the necessary ingredients. And you can't know if he's lying as many cheating spouses do to falsely regain the betrayed spouse's trust.
It's now up to him to reconcile his ways and do what is necessary to rebuild your relationship. If he seemed devastated when it happened the first time, it was probably because he'd been found out and not because of what he'd done. Only you can know what you can and cannot live with.
I wish you strength and solace.
It seems like he doesn't take your forgiveness seriously and doesn't have the respect for you to learn from his mistakes. I read somewhere that when we forgive over and over, we give the person the ability to feel comfortable being able to destroy and manipulate. As people, we all have different lines in the sand. It's up to us to figure out where our line is and to stick with it. I feel the more I forgave him, the less I took away from my own dignity. After 6 years of marriage, I feel so low because I was never his number 1 priority. Every other girl was. Go with your gut. Even if it takes a separation to figure it out, do it. I always wanted him to leave but he always refused and I didn't have anywhere to go with my 2 girls.
just because nothing physical happened, or it was "all online" does not make it any less of a betrayal. the act of getting online or on your phone to talk about sex with someone is a conscious action and it is indeed a betrayal. that is just him trying to downplay what he did, and that's not fair to you. it's not right that he'd put himself in that position, nor is it right for him to try to minimize just how hurtful that is to you.
you say that part of you feels it is time to salvage yourself. given what you've been through, as well as how he's downplaying what he's done now, i can easily see how you'd feel that way. it is certainly not an easy decision either way. just know, that you cannot "salvage this marriage" on your own. he has done considerable damage, he needs to truly own that. he needs to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back if he wants to rebuild. that means complete transparency, along with no secret phones, no secret emails or online accounts of any kind, being willing to show you any and every electronic devise and account at any time without deleting anything, and so forth. counseling would also be really important, not just together but individual as well.
and if you know you do not want to go through that, or if you feel he won't really change what you need him to, there is nothing wrong with saying you don't want to try again. goodness knows his actions have done enough damage already. if he won't respect you, you have to respect yourself. Big hugs and lots of support to you in this time
(((HUGS)))