Cmonge:
Neither of you is emotionally ready to get divorced. Give it some more time. When/if you're ready you will know and it will be much less painful. If he continues to see /contact her you will gather the strength you need to get the divorce. But trust me, you're not ready for it now. Don't force it.

A divorce is nothing to rush into. Lovinsimple is right, you can't force it if your are not ready for it.
Our marriage had been awful for several years.,Had really deteriorated to a point where we could not stand each other, and were at each other's throats almost all the time. Then even after separating we only got divorced a whole year later. By which time it was almost merely a formality, because we were so ready for it.
You only want to resort to divorce when you have exhausted every other possible solutions.

It means a lot to read this today... as I am having the same problem... my husband and I will have moments of rebuilding, and he agrees but he seems to feel that being here is enough, its like going to school and getting perfect attendance but failing because you never listen in class or do the homework.

We spent six months apart, and are in our first month back living together since all of this happened over 18 months ago. He too is trying not to contact the AP, and he won't contact her from his side, but when she does contact him, she won't stop calling and then he gives in and then we start this cycle over of confusion over his feelings

He is also unemployed, and is having a hard time adjusting to being out of the military and not having luck in his job search which seems to affect his negativity and seems to also hinder any progress we may make

We will decide to divorce, that it is the best option.. but it seems to be just words.. he will be all over the place one day with his emotions and say something else the next..

I thought the affair was hard, and it was... but this, is almost harder.. the fear of rejection, not knowing where you stand with your own husband, wondering if you are wasting your time, it all gets overwhelming... and that isn't even starting to scratch the surface of it all. He hates questions, I hate guessing where I stand.

I still plan on consulting a divorce lawyer again.. as a lot has changed from before. Before I wanted revenge, to drag it out, to let him hurt-- now if we do divorce, I just want us to do it as amicably as possible and go our separate ways. He doesn't want to lose me, but at the same time he still seems unsure of how he loves me. He seems to want that crazy for you,infatuation stage of a relationship and gets confused when those feelings go away and reality sets in and you still love someone but not in the same way...

I hope this makes sense lol

hang in there you are not alone

What's the hurry? Live your life for YOU. Your spouse might or might not see you for the wonderful person you are. But be true to yourself.

That is horrible that he still is in contact with the slut. My husband was, too. Until I got tough with him. These cheaters are weak. Sometimes I feel like I need to be strong for us both and resent it, but then I realize that my strength is something that attracted by cheating S.O.B. to me in the first place.

So you be strong. And be good to YOU. Don't rush into anything.

Thanks daledge... in the large scheme of things there isn't really any hurry... I do just need to go back to putting myself first like I did those six months he was gone and he can fall in where he wants to..

being strong can be hard sometimes, but its a lot easier than it used to be ;)

What if your spouse was hooked on crack and only used when the dealer came knocking on your door looking to make a sale? These APs are nothing more than living, breathing drugs. And junkies don't sort out feelings well when we're high. Honestly, it would be easier if you
were dealing with a substance, as cocaine doesn't care if it gets used or not; it has no ego to muddy the waters.

How would you deal with an addicted spouse? Or the dealer? Could you take charge and intervene?

Thanks all. I guess you are right. There s no timeline or calendar saying how long I have to make this huge decision! It has to be 100 percent right. I am glad to know that many of you waited until you were much more sure. I just don't know if I'll ever be 100 percent sure. In some ways I almost want new evidence to make my decision clearer. God knows I should have enough by now, but everyone's situatuion is different.

Myblvd, My H also says that he resists the calls texts from the AP and finally breaks down, but sometimes I wonder if the opposite is true. What to believe...... I wish you much luck. Keep talking to us so we can all support each other.

Sounds like you still really love each other..

Maybe its time for you to contact the AP and find out what her story is. Normally I wouldn't advise it, but it sounds like he might telling you both different stories.

Some OW are psychos and some are being misled.

I've talked to the Ow. I think she's a physcho. Others who know her claim that too. My H and I rarely fought but he says she and him argued all the time. She told me he admitted to her that he loved me more than any woman. I think that makes her enjoy the challenge of winning that love. I think they both miss the thrill of the secretive sexts. That's mostly what their relationship consisted of. Only 4 instances of physical contact in 18 months. And with me not having a regular sexual relationship with my H. I'm sure it's driving him to miss her exciting texts even more. As another post said, it's a vicious cycle!!!!

Yes. Confront the dealer.