Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So let me start by giving a small back story. I met my boyfriend back in middleschool. I was 11 and he was 12. We've been in eachother's lives since. We started dating right after I turned 17 and I'm about to be 23 now. We've always have had our share of arguments, but usually over trivial things. Back when we were dating in highschool, he did cheat on me twice. When I say cheat, I mean he was sending nudes and texting other girls. BUT I was in highschool and just overlooked it.
I guess history does repeat itself, but it only gets worse. Back in December, I hadn't heard from him in 5 DAYS! Mind you, WE LIVE TOGETHER. I called constantly and texted constantly thinking the worst. Thinking he was lying in a ditch somewhere. Come to find out, he had actually been out partying those 5 days and started cheating on me. I found out because he got a text on his phone from a girl and I had opened it. He was making sure she had taken the plan B pill. So obviously I confronted him about it and he, of course, flipped it around on me. He got mad that I went through his phone and he was yelling at me, calling me names. You know, trying to make himself feel better. He had told me that he was only with me for the last year because he didn't know how to break up with me. He didn't want to "hurt my feelings." WTF? Yeah like that makes sense.
I had kicked him out, but not for long. Barely long enough for his stuff to crinkle in the boxes. I took him back less than 3 weeks later. He had told me that he didn't mean what he said to me. He said that he was truely sorry for what he had done and we were going to work on our relationship.
We started the new year off right. He hasn't cheated on me since. I mean, as far as I know. But the reason why I am on here is to ask for advice. Sorry, it was a longer intro than I had thought lol.
I've talked to him about our future, about kids and marrage. He always quickly changes the subject and I just feel lost right now. I don't know if he doesn't want to talk about it because he feels like he is still young. But for me, I don't want to get married right now. Maybe a few years down the road, but I feel if he can't even tell me after 6 years of being together and of 6 years of me kissing the floor he walks on, then what am I in this relationship for?
He is my best friend. There isn't anything I can't go to him about. If we broke up, not only would I be loosing my boyfriend, but one of my bestfriends as well. I cannot imagine my life without him, but lets face it, if we break up, I'm cutting ties. I just need advice on what to do. I don't want to blink and be 27 and still in the same spot I have been. I couldn't imagine being with a man for 10 years and still not being married. That's not what I want.
Maybe a guy can chime in here too. Tell me, does he even want to be with me from what it sounds like? Am I in the same spot I was in back in December? Do you think that because he was so young when we started dating, that he feels like he's missing out on the dating scene? I really want to figure this out soon.
Thank you in advance for any advice that happens to flow my way.
I obviously do not know your boyfriend but the way it sounds to me is yes, he does have commitment issues and maybe it is because you two started dating at such a young age. I know this is going to be somewhat hard to hear but don't be so quick to forgive. Obviously he has done it to you multiple times in the past and there is a pattern. You are young yourself and that is no way to start a marriage. Let's say that you did get married to him and you had children together and then you found out he was cheating on you again. You sound like a sensible young lady so I would ask that you take a step back and read what you wrote again and ask yourself what advice would you give to a woman who is in your same situation.
Now it's easy for me to say that being on this side however I'm on here for a reason too.
Buttercup thank you for that. I have been very distant from my friends and especially my family. I've been super lucky to have a few good friends and an awesome family who, even though I've bailed out on them multiple times, still invite me out every week to go do stuff to try to get me to have some fun. I feel bad for choosing him over them, but I do hope to make it up to them someday.
This is the mistake countless young women make in their quest for marriage and family. You assume that because you have been together for X years and especially since you already live together, the next step is marriage. But marriage isn't in the picture. The relationship just stagnates into status quo until one party realizes "this isn't what I wanted" and leaves.
The reason for this is that no conscience decision to get married has been made. At no time has to mutual decision to become man and wife been made.
I have a feeling that your decision to live together was made not because they two of you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together, but rather it was a decision based on convenience or economic reasons. Convenience because "well, I already spend all my time here anyways, why don't I just move it" or ecomonic because "well, it doesn't make sense to pay rent when I'm never at my place, why don't I just move it". And once you are living together, isn't getting married the next step?
Except it doesn't happen. There is no pivotal moment when on bended knee and with a ring, someone asks the question "Will you marry me and spend the rest of your life with me?" Sure, there have been vague (or perhaps very specific) conversations regarding marriage, but it is always pushed away until "later".
And later becomes later and later. And then 10, 12, 15 years later one wakes up and realizes they are not closer to their goal of marriage.
For the marriage minded, dating and courtship should be on a 2-3 year plan. Date for 6 months to a year to see if you really like/"love" each other, then another year or two to determine if a successful marriage is feasible. If there is no "ring and a date" after that, cut your loses and move on.
He sounds like a majority of the guys I hate to say am friends with. As a matter of fact he sounds like my wife. As far as the relationship goes. When I confront my wife she gets all defensive and raises her voice and bewiddles me saying. "Ok, dad can I go do something, what time do you want me home." That tactic is childish. If I were you, you have no kids, kick him out find a counselor to talk to, or find a close friend that won't judge you, or share what's going on with other people. It's truly your decision but coming to know how most guys are he'll keep doing what he's doing and will still be able to sleep at night. Id break it off and find someone new. Most guys are ass holes, minus the ones on here who do everything to make their wives happy and still get screwed over. Take yourself out of it separate yourself from the negative and you'll find someone that will treat you with respect.
Good luck
It sounds like you have set your sights on life at 27, and see yourself surrounded by a loyal husband and joyful family, but I don't think he's the one who can provide this for you. He isn't commitment phobic, this term doesn't apply here, he's already committed to you, he simply not isn't interested in having a family with you, and that's all you have to know. Read the writing on the wall, it's not hieroglyphics.
Nothing you can do, will ever change that in him. Trying to fit a square peg into a round hole is futile. Those who believe that their love, their very special form of love, will have a significant and positive affect on their partner, so much so, that it will cure and change them of all evils, will find themselves in constant love turmoil.
When someone doesn't make your top five on the list, move on. Don't be that person who sacrifices true joy just to have someone in their life. The boundaries and rules you create now, will set you up for the future.
Wish you well.