I'm sorry you're here and going through this right now! I will post more tomorrow but I wanted you to know right away that you're not alone. The pain and trauma are real. Only HE can change and only if/when he decides he wants to. You are not to blame yet it is you who suffers the consequences. It is likely he has cheated on you physically as well, so brace yourself mentally for that possibility. I hope I'm wrong but there is a definite pattern to the behavior of cheaters. Take good care of yourself right now and if possible arrange for individual counseling do you have support during this awful time!

Thank you for your kind words. I'm going to go through counseling. All I have right now if my faith. it is carrying me through. you think you know someone and think you're enough then bam wake up to reality. porn destroys relationships. destroys trust and I feel like this is destroying me. ugh. I'm trying to read up on this but there is support for the addict a lot not the spouse

Beware the mainstream sex addiction therapy and some counselors who look to "blame" the spouse by assigning co-dependency to you. As in "what did you do/not do to contribute to the demise of your marriage. After one of our D-days husband went to a 12 step program (where he had sex with another so called sex addict) and I read everything possible on how to fix myself and fix this mess. I did 99% of the work while he continued on cheating. I had a bad therapist who believed in the co-dependency thing and I accepted it hook line and sinker. Now I know better. There is nothing wrong with me (or you for that matter). They cheat with porn and/or physically with others because they want to. Their needs and wants are more important to them than their spouses. Many are entitled selfish and lacking in moral character. To change they have to want to. If they want to, they need to change their thinking in order to change their behavior.. I personally do not believe in sex addiction-there is no physical withdrawal when you remove the drug. It is a character problem combined with faulty thinking lack of empathy and selfishness/entitlement. Carnes has written a lot about sex addiction and healing etc but unfortunately he's into the co-dependent mindset for the spouse. Don't go there. And forget 12 step programs for sex addicts unless they are run by a therapist vs run by peers. Google the 13th step...that's all my husband learned about sex addiction from 2 yrs of supposedly going to meetings 7-8 years ago. Individual counseling for him is the only way to go IF he's willing and IF you want to stick it out. You may not want to and that's ok. No judgement here either way. Some folks are successful but the statistics are not in our favor.

I know how you are feeling my stbx of 24 years had several affairs that he claims all were just attention and nothing more he is also addicted to porn which if it were just playboy ok I could deal with that but I am talking about video porn of women playing the role of rape or being forced. That made and still makes me very uncomfortable. He would claim all men do it, and at least he is not acting on it. As I told him he did not act on it because he is not comfortable with himself. Porn is a sickness that can cause problems, I even tried to watch it with him so that if I changed our sex life together he would stop looking at porn and cheating but it just changed who I am and made him worse. You have to do what is best for you and try not to fix something that cant be fixed. His issues is not your problem it is his and he needs help.

A close friend of mine was dating a man who was addicted to porn, thankfully, she had the self-esteem & knew herself well-enough not to accept his excuses. Although she eventually left the relationship, when I asked why she stayed, she indicated that he was abused sexually as a child and he himself did not understand why he engaged in a behavior that he would not condone in her. Even though many stand in judgement of those who react in ways we do not understand or that we may find disgusting; I'd encourage anyone facing this type of situation to dig a little deeper into the history of the person engaging in unhealthy porn & find out if he/she was molested, raped, or experienced a sexual trauma when they did not have any control (e.g. as a child). I do not believe anyone would engage in this behavior "just because" they are just so self-indulgent and selfish; it is a sign of a much deeper issue * one that I believe can be addressed if both parties are willing to face the issue head-on and without reservation & no matter what, please take care of you because until you do this, you won't have the capacity or wherewithal to take care of anyone else, regardless of their issue, challenge, or problem! I appreciate the opportunity to share, thank you!

I am sorry to hear about your struggles and agree that you both would benefit from professional counseling. Although I don't have any experience with porn addiction, I know that each individual must make the choice to do the work and change the behaviors that impact the relationship. You can support him without being his wife. If you aren't feeling loved and valued.... you should take care of yourself first. I wish you well and hope that you find peace and strength during this difficult time.

I thank you all for your kind words and advice. I do need to care for myself right now. I'm trying to be supportive but it's hard when you still feel angry and hurt. I have been praying a lot for guidance and strength. he insists that things will change and I could only see that by actions right now and not words. I know i will have to forgive him for my own well being but that doesn't mean I trust him or will forget. I went on the site fightthenewdrug and it helped put into perspective how porn kills love trust and relationships. I sent it to him to read. he needs to take the actions now to rebuild things. I'm exhausted from this.it is weird to have us being so distant to each other but at least we can have small normal conversation starting. my fear is i dont know how I can get over this to be intimate with him. I'm definitely not ready to be close and think it will take time. I was fearful at first he would look more into porn but now I feel that's his fault and I can not force myself to do anything I'm not ready to. im sorry if I sound like I'm ranting but my emotions are still all over the place

it ain't about what you lack or won't do,
it's about what he lacks inside and does to himself, for himself, pretty selfish and he'll always be so

This is my first post: I was a cheating spouse myself. I went to massage parlors. My wife caught me, and through a very painful and difficult time, we managed to stay together. Here is my point: I discovered I was sexually molested at age 7 by my 2nd grade teacher (a woman) and another man. My life was spent lying about who I was and putting up walls to make me secure in the fact that the pain of molestation was never going to hurt me again. Long story short: I was one of those guys you see as pathetic and selfish. No doubt I was, there is no excuse for that. But the thing is, no one grows up wanting to be selfish, or aspire to cheat and be a d-bag. There are reasons, at least I believe, that he or she does what they do. When you find that reason, it will free him or her like a weight being taken off their shoulders. My wife and I now are closer than we have ever been, and I love her and cannot fathom what I did to her, or even dream of doing that again. People CAN change. It IS possible. And no, I did not go through any 12 step, and we had our share of co-dependency Psychiatrists. For this to work, I had to want to change, and I wanted to change. Just wanting isn't enough- it takes patience and drive on your part as well. I'm not saying everyone is just like me who was abused as a young boy, but I do truly feel- knowing both sides of the fence - that for someone to cheat, there is a deep, hidden and well protected part of them that was traumatized in some way that molds them into what they become. It is NOT about anything you did to him/her- those will be the excuses the cheater uses to justify their actions- because they know inside what they are doing is not right. My wife and I started a blog to try to show how we went about healing in hope that it MIGHT help someone else, because there are so few success stories out there it can be very depressing. We are not selling anything, nor trying to disprove anything. It's just a record. Here it is in case you'd like to go through it. I hope it can help someone.
http://www.formersexaddict.com/

My husband has also fought with a porn addiction. As far as I know he has been clean almost a whole year. He has probably viewed porn 95% of our marriage. He claims to now know how much it hurts me and makes me feel but sometimes I think he doesn't really get it. He also expects me to just be able to get over it and when I mention something I feel like my feelings don't even count.
Unfortunetly your husband will only get away from it if he really wants to. I'm hoping my husband is done because I don't know how much more I could take if he got back into it.

I agree people can change. But it takes ALOT of work and commitment on both of your parts. You need tools and clear defined goals which both of you mutually agree on and checks in place to evaluate your progress towards those goals.
Clearly this IC wasn't working.....if you both sincerely want it....try another.

If your husband, "expects you to get over it" or isn't doing the work.......it will not get better.