This pain is so real and deep. All your words ring so true in describing the empty hole left behind by a affair. The only people who can understand are others that have been through this hell. I read you post and it feels as those I wrote it. I am so sorry for your pain.
I can say things will get better but it will never be the same. Its like a new door was opened to a completely different world...Not the world we wanted or anything so hurtful that we could've imagined before. Everything has changed.
You have to find strength deep down to get through. You might even feel as though you are going crazy at times. Your emotions might feel crippling. (Hugs) Things will get better.. I wish I could help more. Try to be the strongest person you can. Keep a journal to get your feeling out and or post here. That always helped me.

Thank you for your reply I'm sorry for your pain to I'm sorry for anybody that knows with this pain feels like I'm always saying that it feels like a death death to life that I once knew a friend that was lost and replaced by somebody I don't know because my love would've never hurt me this deeply in 1 million years but then I realize that it was him and I just have to except it and try and move on I hate those words because that's what he always says but he hasn't know how hard that idea is the idea of just moving on how do you MoveOn from having your entire identity to your innermost core shattered and then glued together the pieces that were once perfect and you're told to move on make this shattered mended piece of you that now exists in someway workable again you can work and you can love and you can live any but any little tiny thought of what happened to you the level of betrayal on a daily basis over the course of two freaking years always saying she's gone or it's over or I love you I'm still here and oh yeah my favorite is you got your way:(just me she want to cry sorry I was rambling on how do you get past person that you love so deeply sing to you just MoveOn how did you do that? I just want the pain to stop I really am trying to pick up my pieces and try and make this work for nothing else other than my girls happiness I can't let them view their dad in the same way that I see him right now I feel as though it doesn't destroy their perception of him no I know it well because I never thought that you could anything he could do could ever make me change how I perceive him and I was wrong so I don't want them to do him in this light ever I want them to keep admiring him respecting him and feeling respected by him and if they know this they could easily lose those things so anything that you can say to help us very much appreciated before the site I feel like I keep a diary I suffer in silence to keep his secret to keep people from loading him I know that he loves me I do but he'll never be my same Pete again that Chi died he just did for me is been replaced by a stranger and I keep trying to love the stranger the same way that I loved him I don't like this person I love him because he's the father of my children, but my people have never hurt me this deeply so that's not the real him or maybe it was the real him he was just hiding and I'm rambling on again but I really do appreciate any kind words or advice or anything because trust me I've been living with this pain for a very long time I'm trying so hard to not impact my children's lives.thanks again Terry back from you soon

There is a recent memoir about this, Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. You might appreciate it.

I completely commend you on your efforts to protect the way your daughters look at their father. You are stronger than me. I wanted everyone to know so to shame my husband. That wasn't the best thing to do but at the time my world was rocked and I didn't know how to handle anything at that point.
The pain will never completely go away but you will find ways to deal and ways it will make you stronger. Have you went to counseling? That could help you through the healing process. Just as you said, Its like a death. A death to your happily ever after. I became very angry because he stole that from me after he promised me it.
Please take care of yourself. Try to focus on you for once. I know you worry about the children but take some time for you. No matter what he did. We are still beautiful and caring woman. We didn't do anything to cause this. It was their choice. So don't ever take blame.

I'm sorry to read of your situation.

You think you're protecting your daughters, who idolize their father, by keeping it from them, but it couldn't be further from the truth.

You aren't protecting them at all, you're deceiving them. They're teenagers, they're not pre-schoolers, so what you're doing is disrespecting their right to know. How do you think they will feel when they discover the truth, years down the road? They'll hold you responsible, and because you've kept it secret, they'll wonder if you had any part in it, and will hold it against you.

They need to know who their father really is, and I've heard this so many times from betrayed spouses, "but I'm protecting my children." But you're not really, you're protecting yourself from judgement by your children, and you're attempting to protect your cheating husband from judgement by your children, that's the reality. You can postpone it all you want, but someday they will find out, and it will come back to bite you in the ass.

What you have to face is that your love HAS hurt you this deeply, and it is him, not some stranger. This is your reality, and it hurts like hell. So many of us here have gone through what you're experiencing. You need to face the reality of it, and you need to confirm that what you're feeling is real, and the only thing that is going to make it change, is change itself.

There is no need to protect what you once had, because it's gone, you need to realize that; it's not coming back. You can forge a new life with him, and rebuild successfully, as long as he does all the things required by a cheating spouse to achieve forgiveness and facilitate a successful reconciliation. Yes, a reconciliation is possible, but you have to be honest and upfront with your needs. This is not a time to play the martyr, it won't bring about the results you envision, as you will never be able to trust or forgive him.

It pains me to read how despicable some cheaters are after they're caught, and how entitled, selfish, and arrogant they become. If he says you have to forget it and move on, then there is no restitution. He is not remorseful and chances are he will recommit down the road, and you will have enabled all of this. You will live in purgatory and the triggers will never give you peace, they will haunt you with mind-movies, and constant grief. If he is saying, "you got your way," I'd pin a note on him that says, "my wife got her way", pack his bags and send him on his way.

I wish you well.