Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I'm wondering what made people step outside of their marriage? Was it really because you were unhappy at home? Was someone else just "better" in your eyes than your spouse? Was there a lack of something you needed in your marriage?
Atleast that is what I found out.
Selfish immoral low self esteem and void of character.
That's what I think...
Longer answer:
When I was in the fog, I built walls, blocked a lot, compartmentalized. I felt like 2 people. I was trying to live 2 lives and not let them touch as much as possible. Yes, there were battles...wars, between the "two me's." I actually called them good me - bad me.
I felt my marriage was good and intended to keep it that way. I thought I could live both lives and appreciate each for its own value to me.
Yes there was a lack in my marriage but its not something I ever thought much about. I/we were used to it, although the lack may have been a contributing factor I do not give it much weight as to why the A happened. I was not unhappy in my marriage before, during, or after the A.
KRKIng - What you said stabs a bit but a lot of what my H says stabs as well and I don't mind because it is true. Sometimes the truth hurts.
I will say, I became a different person during the fog. A very different person. There was a huge trigger that "flipped the switch" as H and I say and the fog went on for 7 mos. The real PA was the last 6 weeks of that time.
I was not the "fog" person before.... and I am not that person now but I now know what I am capable of doing and it is frightening to both of us. I am taking many proactive steps to safeguard myself from anything like that ever happening again!
Thank you for you answer, it really helps me alot. You see, my CS was living two lives as were you. It was easy for him, he started working out of town this year and was home only on the weekends. Actually, when he took the new position is when the affair started.
Due to his job, he has always been gone lots of time during the summer months. I was used to it and very comfortable with the situation. We always had constant contact. We were always the first one each of us spoke to in the morning and the last one at night. I never worried at all about fidelity or love and devotion to me.
The affair lasted 4 months. For about the last two months leading up to the time I found out his behavior changed. The early morning and lat night calls stopped. He claimed he didn't want to wake me at night and that in the mornings he was out for a morning run or bike ride. When he was home, he never went to bed when I did and spent alot of time taking work text, emails and phone calls.
It all came to a head on Halloween. I received a letter from the wife of a co-worker telling me what she knew. I called him immediately and he claimed it was not true and someone was "out to get him". I knew he was lying and dumped the cell phone records. There it was in black and white. Hundreds of phone calls and text to the same number. The early moring and late night calls were now to her. Finally he confessed. My world was falling apart.
The next day was the hardest day of my life. He said that he was in love with her. After that he wouldn't take my calls and was unwilling to communicate. I immediately went on offense. Set up a new bank account, found a lawyer and begin the process of life without him. I called his mother, sister and daughter to let them know what a shit he was. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt and was in a blind rage. I called the OW and left her a message telling her she could have him.
For whatever reason, he finally called me. He said he still loved me and wanted to make things right. He didn't and stil doesn't have all the answers for me and i still don't trust him as far as I can throw him but I love him and want to rebuild.
The turning point for me was when he reached out to my best friend. His comment to her was he didn't know how I could stil love him and ever trust him again but he was willing to do whatever it takes.
He broke things off with her immediately and even e-mailed a letter to her from me. Her response, "thanks alot, have a nice life". Not a response someone who is in love with you would give. She was newly divorced, claims her husband cheated on her (I think she was the cheater because no one who has been through this would ever do that ) and on the prowl. She also has a 16 year old daughter. No self respecting woman would expose her daughter to this.
The past few weeks have been the hardest of my life. He is still working out of town during the week, but instead of staying straight through, he had made the three hour drive home in the middle to help me with the process. Today is his last day of work for the year and he will be home until January.
By then, the OW should be gone. Apparently she put in for a transfer during the affair and didn't bother to tell him. He said that it just proves to him more that things weren't as they seemed and it was all a lie.
This has been so hard for me. I was an absoulety devoted wife. I work hard and earn a good income, more than him actually. My whole goal was for him to feel at home even though he wasn't. He is living in a travel trailer which I spent weeks remodeling and outfitting so he would have all the comforts of home. I would do his laundry on the weekend and shop for and cook his meals to take with him. Don't get me wrong, I am not without my faults but I know that overall I am a pretty good catch which makes all this harder to understand.
Moving forward we have a lot of work to do to rebuild on our strong foundation but I believe our marriage is worth it and i am not going to let his "fog" and bad decisions put an end to us.
The first time it was in marriage, second time in LTR.
There were several reasons :
- I was raised by a parent who was basically a whore and she told me all the time growing up that infidelity is ok.
- in my mind there was separation of sex and love because of some bad experience I had growing up
- I was extremely confused about who I was and what right and wrong was in a relationship
- I was selfish in terms of if I felt badly about something and my partner was not able to respond and comfort me, I would do whatever it took to medicate , including getting attention in form of sex.
I got cheated on twice as an adult, very recently, when my morals where already in check and old behaviors were addressed and changed.
I believe people do dishonorable things in a relationship because of loose morals, confusion about right and wrong and selfish reasons which consume them so much, that they disregard any thought about what it would do to their partner..
Being I satisfied in a relationship is not abnormal, it goes through stages , normal people work it out... There is no reason to cheat.
If you are not happy - end it , then go screw other people.
You ve done nothing wrong tabs there is no responsibility on you'.
I m really sorry for your pain.
What I believe is that we are not monogamous by nature. Men are programmed to have sex with as many women as possible to spread their genes. One man can father many, many children within a short period of time. Women are programmed to have multiple partners for two main reasons; to have a back up man in the event of something happening to their primary male and in some tribal settings it was beneficial so that all the men in the tribe shared the responsibility of rearing the children.
Aristotle said Whatever lies in our power to do lies in our power not to do. I dont really believe that is always true. We are all capable of infidelity and sometimes if the situation and circumstances are just right we may be incapable of resisting the urge. Thats probably why some religions place restrictions on alcohol and on non-familial male-female relationships.