Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

ARE PHONE RECORDS A MUST HAVE?

HeatherinSA
HeatherinSA
I really need to know what others who stayed have learned that helped it all work. After about 1 month, my husband is eager for me not to jump or act differently every time his phone goes off. So am I. I feel like this is my last area of concern. He accountable to me for all his time now and OK with that. But, bc I went a little crazy and broke into his phone 3 wks ago, changed stuff on his FB, and even called his phone company to get info- (I have found nothing)- he does not want to have to explain away every last contact on his phone record when there is nothing there. However, I firmly believe I will have relief finally that he is telling me the truth, which I actually think he is. Verification. I'm going to bring it up in counseling again. Maybe he will finally agree.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If he wants to make it work he is going to have to be completely transparent. You shouldn't trust him right now. Don't let him tell you he should just trust him. He needs to prove to you that you can trust him and part of that means he is going to have to give up privacy. He should be making it as easy as possible for you right now.

Sorry if that's too direct, but I hope it helps. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yes, you need to know you can know it all. That doesn't mean you have to look at it, but you need to know with 100% certainty that the info is yours if need be.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok i get wanting to know every thing been there but you cannot change if someone is going to cheat..... going on his fb getting phone records that is not helping you. that's enabling you to control the situation and he will feel trapped and leave u instead of fixing it. he is a person he has to make his own choices. if u have to spy on him you know you need to leave.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I agree to disagree with arj123. At this point you need complete transparency as stated in reply #1. He needs to earn that trust back anyway that makes YOU feel comfortable. We all react and act differenctly so if this is what you need for now then he needs to understand and oblige. At some point, you will need to stop and begin to trust again but first he needs to give you the reasons to trust him again...through actions and patience. I can almost guarantee most of us have done the same, I know I have...and my H had no problem with it at all! I never broke into anything (but I'm sure I would have if I needed to)...he would hand me the phone if I asked for it. It's been one year since dday and to this day he would hand me the phone if I wanted it!
Hang in there...it takes time. One day at a time!
lance139169
lance139169
I have something of a alternate point of view.

I'm concerned about you making yourself crazy chasing ghosts. Remember back to when your husband was cheating and the red flags that he set off. If you see any of those again, persue it full speed. If not you can reduce your anxiety by trying to not fixate on his every mood.
nassurvivingrace
nassurvivingrace
A little over a year now and I still on occasion want to look at his phone just to be sure nothing is happening. yes this still makes my H mad.
deleted_user
deleted_user
One of the ways my wife has shown me that she wants to make our relationship work was by sharing all passwords for all her devices and accounts. She also now leaves her devices around the house... This alone was enough for me and I don't feel the need to dig further. However, if she was resistant to any of that I would keep digging and not believing that she wants to repair our marriage.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the act of transparency is more important to me than the information I might find.... Hope that makes sense!
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you intend to police his every move, then it seems like phone records would be a good idea for you.
hurtmomofour
hurtmomofour
if he really truly wants to help you heal, he needs total transparency. i find i check my h's phone and such less and less. he has not complained because he knows he blew our trust. just knowing i have access to it all makes me feel safer.
and its true you cant make him not cheat. however, you can discover things alot quicker doing a little investigating,and that could save you some time and maybe even an std or two.
sending support hun!
HeatherinSA
HeatherinSA
Thanks to all of u! He agreed to show me phone records now. But, then shut down in counseling. Unfortunately, he says its too much work.for an outcome that is uncertain. So we decided to divorce this afternoon. Our poor girls....
deleted_user
deleted_user
I think that transparencey is essential. But trust is also essential. Both parties need to show the other the respect they deserve. In the beginning, the BS should be given all the freedom they need. As time moves forward, the BS must be able have trust in the CS that they are doing the right thing. Without trust, the marriage is already weakened. At some point, the marriage has to rely on trusting your partner. However, I am new to this experience so I am learning that the time lines are very long and it depends on the original relationship as to when the two partners can mutually be open and trusting at the same, time.

That is position I am in today. My W does not not want to give into anything (I am cuurently 11 days past dd). So I am starting to wander why I should allow her to stay in my life. Working through the strength of the others I have found on this board. Thank you all for your support!