Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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VJS1 05/03/2018

I was having a sexting affair with the teacher of my son's daycare and we used to sext and exchange pictures for almost a year. I got caught 2 months ago and my marriage is on rocks. I feel hurt seeing my wife suffer and it breaks my heart she keeps asking me to help her get over what i did.

To give you an history, I passed out of college and started my career in a small city with no friends or family to hangout back in 2004. I used to spend my time playing online games and during one such instance one lady introduced me to sex chat, I enjoyed it and after that there was no looking back. I indulged in it during my spare time whenever i could. It continued even after getting married in 2007 and stopped in 2012 when my wife found out about it. We went thru a lot of hell but I was able to be there for her and help her thru it. We had our son in 2014 and started sending him to a home daycare a year later in 2015.

Everything was going great with my family and the daycare and I had a good professional relationship with the daycare teacher and never attracted to her in any way or form. In May 2017 i forwarded a comedy clip from a movie to the daycare teacher and we started talking about it and we hit it off and we started talking and one day i ended up flirting with her and she responded back positively and from that day on there was no looking back. She was having maritial issues and so i was her fall back she would never say no. All i had to do was ask and the next moment I would have her pictures. We would even talk over the phone, but 95% of the time it was sexting over the phone.

I used to delete the chat and photos but one photo got on cloud backup and ended up on my ipad and my wife saw it. Ever since she found our lives have been altered forever. We have been arguing ever since and spent lot of sleepless nights. I was being an insensitive jerk until i started really reading about what really happens to a betrayed spouse and it opened by eyes. I have started counselling too. I have been trying to support my wife but she sometimes has these emotional breakdowns asking me to help her and I just feel helpless. She asks me why i did it I tell her I don't know. She does not want to talk to me anymore. She said she cannot trust me anymore as I cheated on her twice. All i can do is agree with her. She says she wants to give me a chance for sake of our son but really not sure how to really ever forgive me and if she can ever trust me again.

I keep telling her I am not going to do this but there is no way I can really give her the confidence that I will not do it again. I cannot blame her it is my fault cause she loved me too much and she cannot digest the fact i cheated on her again. My heart aches to see her suffer for no mistakes of her. What can i do to help her, I still love my wife and i cannot see her suffer anymore. I even told her I don't deserve her in my life for what i did but she wants to give me a try for sake of our son. I have seen my family suffer and I am never getting back to this crap again.

She went to a therapist and she came back home much more depressed yesterday as she had to recount what happened which opened up the healing wounds. Any help or suggestions to help my wife get out of this trauma would be helpful.

StormPetrel 05/03/2018

Give your wife complete and total access to your phone, computer, passwords, etc.

Get your kid out of that day care and into another - pronto.

Write a note to your mistress that says three things: It was a mistake to get involved with her. You love your wife. Do not
contact you ever again. Then give it to your wife to either give
to the mistress or mail it, her choice.

Then get yourself into therapy. Stand on your head to make things right with your wife. Ask her what she needs from you.
If she doesn't know, you can start by sending her flowers at work. Every day tell her you are sorry, you love her, and you are working hard on your marriage. Keep doing this until she tells you to stop.

Figure out what your problem is and why you would want to hurt the woman you love and why you would risk losing your family for some cheap thrills with a slut.

Gwendellj 05/03/2018

I totally agree with stormpetrel everything said was right on point... I too would ask my husband the same things and would tell him he was the one who was gonna have to help me through with what he did but I think we are trying to just find an understanding and a reason why we should forgive you and hope that you truly see what you have done to us just my opinion tho we want to feel that security again and reassurance... my husband would make sure he was giving me the time and attention I needed he would come home and see how sad I was for days and he to felt helpless and I was seeing a counlser and I would come home and be the same way sometimes but the counseling was really good for me after I few sessions so don't let her give up on the counseling hopefully it will help her.... after finding out about an affair it is emotional roller coaster for the BS

VJS1 05/03/2018

Thank you Stormpetel and Gwendell for the advice I did give her passwords to everything

yellowman 05/03/2018

It’s going to take time if u really love her u will give her complete transparency.. tell her the truth I did what I did because it was exciting and made u feel special. I’m the husband whose wife had an emotional affair for 7 months and claimed there was no sex. We have been trying to work on our marriage it’s been difficult. I don’t look at her the same anymore. I believe there was sex. I found cards that were extremely intimate addressed as to my friend lover,my everything. I asked her if u weren’t lovers why are the cards addressed as such. She says I don’t know. My point being she does know but won’t say it. It makes a difference when u just tell the truth regardless of the hurt she hurts anyway. The trust will be hard u crushed her and for what? My wife had me fooled I never thought she would step out and now after 22 years together 18 married I have to deal with these fucking emotions. I’m consumed and it’s been about 9 months since I found out. It’s the lies I’m so consumed with this the lies it’s the lies every time I ask her about something she can’t handle it. I found a hotel charge when after I found out asked her about it she said it was for her girlfriend whose Credit is bad I said but that was the night u said u drank to much with her and was staying at her apt. The. There were roses last Mother’s Day on our dining room table I ask where did they come from and she says u know I buy myself flowers. Finally she admitted they were from her the person she was having the affair with. My point is the lies r what hurt most realize I already hurt her what’s the difference

betrayedtodeath 05/04/2018

Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J. MacDonald. Do every single thing the author suggests. Get into individual counseling for yourself immediately.

VJS1 05/04/2018

Yellowman, I feel sorry for you i can put you in my wife's shoes and imagine what you are goind thru and went thru. Thank you for the advice.

Betrayed to death thank you for the advice, the book you are referring to opened my eyes 5 weeks ago. It made me realize what my wife was really going thru. I have since told her the truth however painful it may have been.
I am trying to implement everything from it.

mercury728 05/04/2018

VJS1 - I discovered my wife had 3 affairs over a 5 year period back in 2014-2015. Two of the affairs were with 2 of my "better" friends. I decided to stick it out and give her another chance after I saw the changes she made in an effort to save our marriage, I agree with what the others have said, but to reaffirm:
Be 100% transparent. Honesty and transparency are not the same. You need both. Be patient. It is believed that it takes at least 2 years from the discovery of the "last lie" to become trusted again. You have to decide if you are invested for the long haul and if she wants to try to salvage the relationship. Understand she will be "triggered" frequently, and that this is natural. Triggers can be anything; a place, song, clothing, food.... anything that can be associated with the trauma your wife has encountered. If you notice her mood suddenly swings, it may be because she has been triggered and those emotions have rushed up again inside her. Be sensitive to this, and ask her is she needs to talk about these occurrences. Use and stick to the 100% NO CONTACT rule. Make sure you break off everything completely with the affair partner. if the partner contacts you, immediately tell your wife about it. And one of the most painful parts is you must answer any questions she has about what you have done. If you don't, she will draw conclusions about what she's wondering about, and those are never good. Some couples are torn over how to handle questions, but most are in the group that feel not knowing the facts is torture. Once everything is completely out in the open, the veil of secrecy is gone and it looses it's power over you. Also - you need to feel & show true remorse. Remorse is not the same as regret. If she senses genuine remorse on your part, she will be more likely to give you a chance to show you've changed. Lastly - you 2 should check out beyondaffairs.com We found this site which is ran by a husband/wife team. It has lots of resources such as articles, podcasts, videos, etc. Carrying it one step further, I also suggest your wife check out the "BEYOND AFFAIRS NETWORK" (aka BAN) The site has a list of support groups for betrayed spouses around the country. My wife and I went to marriage counseling and individual counseling, yet I found my BAN support group to be the most beneficial for me. It is the first "support group" I have ever been a part of, and now I'd recommend it to anyone. YELLOWMAN, you should give it a try too. Just know that there is a way back from this, should you BOTH want it. Good luck, hope this helps.

gravinggirl 05/04/2018

Former CS perspective here. In addition to the previous suggestions about how to help your wife heal, do some soul searching to really understand what this sexual outlet has meant to you. It is unlikely you will give it up forever unless you get sorted out and find other things that fulfill you without hurting people. A good therapist is worth the cost.

prettyanddumb12 05/06/2018

Also a former cheater and I agree with the above. It likely comes down to a) you are intentionally trying to sabotage your marriage because your self esteem sucks and you don't feel you deserve your loving wife, or b) you're an entitled narcisist who believes at the core you can have anything you want, no matter the cost to others.

I fell somewhere between the two.

The root cause of what drives you to do such things is very important. You may be a bit of a sex addict, and you aren't alone.

Get some good therapy and do some soul searching. Be patient with your wife. This can be overcome.

refurb 05/06/2018

i think that you are full of shit
you choose to put your son's stability in jeopardy
you choose to pretend you weren't doing such and you got caught
now you want advice

life is about controlling ones impulses
no mystery

VJS1 05/07/2018

Thank you Mercury 728, Gravinggirl and Prettyanddumb12 for your insight.

Refurb thank you for the criticism, I deserve it for every moment i see my wife suffer. I totally understand life is about controlling ones impulses I keep telling my wife i completely failed as a human being.

refurb 05/07/2018

Good
now realize that from today forward you can choose to be more than the sum of your past
that is very hard
but achievable
I hope the best for you
I hope the best things work out for your wife and son

forwardmotion 05/07/2018

Definitely get some counseling. Selfishness to that level causes you to not even think about others when you are pursuing your own pleasure.

With this self centered worldview you don't even consider the pain your are causing others and how you are ruining our own life as well.

It takes a lot of time and practice to learn how to put others first and to think about how your actions affect others before making decisions.

Right now the stability of your child's life and your wife's emotional health and your character comes very far behind your personal ego and pleasure.

It sounds like you have some remorse and are realizing this now. Hopefully with counseling and a lot of work you may become a better man/husband/father.

VJS1 05/09/2018

Thank you Refurb and Forwardmotion, I am already in therapy and trying to fix myself.

stayingpositive 05/11/2018

Your post is appreciated. You may be one of the very rare cases where a cheating spouse can make things right and fix a broken marriage. Dedicate every day to making her feel safe in the relationship and you can win her trust back. If you genuinely want to change, I believe you can do this.

I was living on hope that my husband felt the way you do, but unfortunately it was just talk and manipulation. My final tip- read books from Tony Robbins- he gives some great tips on transforming yourself and how to create mental discipline in your life. If you are a man of faith- see God every Sunday for strength.

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