I've heard people here talk about the divorce and remarry. What I've assessed is a bit different. It seems more that, in divorce, both people usualy have stuff they could have and should have changed in their relationship prior to the cheating. Really even those that don't divorce.

Both partners move on and mature. They have time to reflect on themselves as well as the marriage. They date, and live life as a single parent at times. During this period both people have to come to a realization that what they had with eachother is worth revisiting.

It is no longer about the remorseful spouse begging and pleading for a chance to prove themselves worthy. While remorse and and true belief that they have grown from their mistakes is very important, I dont think the whole dropping to their knees in regret is the method that will lead to a successful reuniting after years have gone by.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with an ex cs wooing their ex bs. Win them over and court them as though they are the new girl/boy on the block.

Onyx my question to you, if your stbex began to realize that she had made a huge mistake and made the changes, grew, matured and showed remorse, would you be weakened by this? I would imagine that, although you are very hurt by her betrayal and lack of remorse, you still love her. Love doent disappear especially when that person is the mother/father of our children. It's easy to stuff down and cover with anger.

So do you feel that there would ever be a point where you could see being with her again.

Thank you for your reply - personally no - Yes she hurt me and a lot of that was her attempt to try and keep me down like her father did to her mother - as Option Plan B. Father left her mother for 3 years and did happiness via sin with mistress/crazy women - then came back. History repeates itself. All I ever want is to feel safe in my realtionships. That is actually not a lie.

But my STBX had so many "issues" in general that I overlooked because the most "important" thing to me was safety, security, trust.

To know I could spend the rest of my life with this person and feel safe and know they won't cheat on me - EVER.

I personally can deal with a lot - This is not a good example but - I can deal with helping someone with alchol abuse - drug abuse, if they are sick - whatever I would help them and nurse them and be by their side forever - but I draw the line at cheating/infidelity. Once that line is crossed the trust can never be brought back to the realtionship - for those trying I applaude you but in my specific case - it can never happen and I would never allow myself to be treated like that by anyone on this planet - EVER.

I could overlook her short comings - not that we are all perfect but add that to her lies, beytral, deceit, cheating - there's just too much there now that could never ever be repaired. She physcially makes me sick when I see her now. Shes a phony in my book.

Hypothetically (in a perfect world), I would only get back for the children sake but ultimately I know it wouldn't work out in the end (for all the reasons stated above).

There is too much damage there - the bridges were burned and I have a GF I can trust and feel safe around and she is smart - caring, giving, articluate, educated - some one who was also cheated on so we both know we aren't going down that path. I feel very very safe with her and when we have the boys (5 days on 5 days off) we make the most of being with them. We take them everywhere and have a lot of fun with them.

Thank you for the question - it would take a miracle beyond my compression for my STBX to ever get to a point to even be anywhere near just speaking on normal friendship terms.

We're you ever inlove with your ex or was marriage a means to an end? You mention in another post about wanting children within wedlock. And it seemed that you found a serious relationship fairly quickly after separating from your wife.

You also mention many good qualities about your gf but I've never read anything about being inlove with her either. I guess my concern after reading your posts is, are you choosing relationships for the wrong reasons? First for the sake of a family and now for the sake of safety and companionship. Not that any of those reasons are bad but without the real love, it seems like eventually there would be a void.

You mention applauding those of us who are trying to work it out. As one of those people I can say a few things. To start, my kids were a driving force fo me to give it the chance. The fact that I loved him and he was extremely remorseful and willing to do anything to make things right was what made the rebuilding possible. Nearly 3 years later and he still is.

Life holds no guarantees and I can't ever be sure my H won't ever cheat again. I believe it is highly unlikely but everybody is capable. I trust him more now because of what has happened then I did before.

Sorry if I'm being too pushy with my questions. You don't have to answer.
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