Sorry brother, it was a huge trigger for me as well but for different reasons.

All I can say is it is supposed to be a celebration of your marriage.

Now are you happy to be married and want to celebrate? Or is it just another day? Just treat the day how you feel. And explain to her why, if you don't want to celebrate.

Well I see no benefit in faking words. A counselor may advise otherwise, saying you have to start somewhere. You have to try. But in my opinion, the free-spirited, innocent, thoughtful, loving gesture normally put forth in a card dies when the affair was discovered. There's no real belief in those words anymore. Ever. In its place, you MIGHT be able to express "despite everything, blah, blah, I still love you". But even with that, there's a negative tone to it.

Sorry man, I am of little help. The damage seems to be never-ending.

Here's my two cents and btw I am one who wanted to subtract out the 3.5 years my H was cheating from the tally.

It's one day and it will pass. It will be easier to get through if you give her a card and there are plenty that do not express undying love.
There are funny ones out there, too.

I hate how we the BSs have to take the high road so much of the time.
This is one case where I think you should. It's just a card.

Of course you don't have much to celebrate. I do not think a gift is in order. But give this some thought: a song that has meaning for you or a book with a message.

Don't re-injure yourself by making this a bigger deal. I'd make plans for the day after so you have something to look forward to !!

Just be true to yourself and your feelings. I've had quite a few anniversaries that I didn't celebrate. You can't force yourself to celebrate and there is no point in faking it. Let her know that you can only celebrate what you're proud of and want. If you don't know what you want yet you really can't celebrate it. If you two decide to reconcile you'll have to work on forgiving her and look towards the future. That way you can celebrate. All the best to you. Cheers.

Sadly, someone would "make bank" by writing cards for those of us in the BS shoes. (There was a thread started in the rebuilding, just a few weeks ago.
I have found EVERY occasion difficult and at 2 ish years am just now at the point where i can wade through dozens of cards and find at least one suitable. In the beginning what worked best for me, was finding/making one without a nessage, writing my own sentiment but focusing on the positive of the years together and not the anniversary. Itself... Trying to look at the whole portrait instead of pixel by pixel. For you, should you decide to give her a card, perhaps a line or two centered around the successes you have/had i.e. A team in sync in raising your 2 little ones...Not knowing what lies ahead but loving the part of the past that gave you them.

It IS. A tough one indeed. I know all of our hearts go out to you.

I would reframe it as a celebration of the beginning of your family. That helped me get through the first few anniversaries after dday.

These days are so full of mixed emotion. I know that during our "reconciliation period," I was never able to buy a card that was true to how I felt. Trying to pick out an anniversary card was painful, as I didn't believe he was a good husband. None of the cards said what I felt. Same on Father's Day.

I say follow your gut. While she may be able to put this behind her, your pain and confusion should not be absently dismissed. You have to deal with these feelings, or you will never work through them, whether you choose to reconcile or not, the feelings will still be there.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

My thanks to all of you. I went with a mix of all your suggestions.

I told her that I just couldn't "celebrate" the day. I wasn't mad, or bitter about the day - but it has become just another day on the calendar to me. She was a little hurt, but also quite understanding. But she had arranged for a sitter for our kids, so we did go out to dinner and had a nice evening of it.

I think until you decide which side of the fence that you want to stand on, celebrations or marking events is pointless,

I choose "stand" and not fall for a reason. If you decide to reconcile then you go all in, if you decide to divorce them you go all out.

You've got a lot to think about.

My experience,

Wifey gave me the "I'm not happy" a couple weeks later I discovered that really meant. " I'm having a full blown affair"

After both turds, I wanted to reconcile
(Prior to knowing about the affair I always that no way would I ever stay with a dog bitch that strays )

I loved her , figured better or worse. Meant that I'd wipe her derrire and push the wheel chair after a stroke, then figured God may have a different definition, I'm older and see that people can get themselves sideways, wiling to accept whatever was mine in her unhappiness,

She hung it all on me and choose to stay sideways
So I don't have any experience with reconcile success or failure


Reconciliation certInly seems to be difficult

Another big reason for wanting to reconcile is kids.
Mine were early teens, the family , their family , is bigger than either parents happiness (unhappy is a sickly child, abuse, addiction, not surface bullshit)
Want to have kids together, then Figure out how to stay together


I can say that divorce absolutely sucks for kids that came from a stable home, mine never saw it coming (neither did I )
They are getting through with some low points .


My belief .... If you have kids you and wifey can't leave any stone unturned to see if you can make it towards reconciliation

My belief... Regardless if what you decide, consider truth, whatever truth you make from today forward, make truth you don't have to hid from your kids as kids nor as adults

do not do what you are not ready to do.
what you could do if a card is that important to her, is write her a short simple letter, and say you are not sure how you feel about the anniversary, but you wanted to acknowledge the fact that she has made some positive strides.