Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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StupidWife 03/31/2018

Last night, epic sex. We’ve really connected on a physical level—so much better than the prior 5 years (during his affair and the subsequent time of lies). I’m seeing him in a new light—the way he was when he was with her. Free to experiment sexually, trying new things, acts, role playing—-the whole bit. His sexual reputoire was much more vast than he led me to believe and maybe didn’t want me to know(?).

His response to my questions about why he didn’t “x” with me was/is “you’re my wife”. What he did to/with the women before us and with Big Boobs was for his pleasure—with me it is “different” because he saw a future with me. Then we were married with kids so he saw me in that role, only. So when he cheated he claims it was (1) opportunistic hunting and (2) to use her as a sex toy.

The feeling that I can’t shake is disappointment. In myself bc I let myself believe that “love” was enough. In him because he went to her to explore his sexuality. I never got a chance to be apart of that exploration . He just assumed, wrongly, I couldn’t/wouldn’t do what he wanted. So, when he’s added stuff to our naked time, I can’t help but wonder if he’s “been here, done that” with her. Basically, that I’m a poor substitute for Big Boobs and her total surrender to whatever he wanted.

So, my fellow reconcilers, how do you address this?

robs123 04/02/2018

I honestly do not know how to respond.... if you have emotional connection to each other that’s great.. if the communication between the 2 of you is there other than hello and bye then that’s great. You can’t dwell on the past if you want to move forward but you can learn from it .....yes it hurts seeing into the past but look to the now and what the 2 of you have. if it’s just sex and that’s all there is then I don’t know what that will bring to raising a family.....emotional support is it there?...undivided attention to the children is it there from both of you? Is your relationship between the 2 of you better? I ask this for you to think about really think about hard. Communication to each other is key if there is a failure to communicate then there is potential for a major failure in relationship. Be true to yourself don’t change yourself to please him change to please you ... you need to heal first. I hope this advice helps

Cole50 04/05/2018

I know of what you speak of. In the beginning, I wondered if things she did was what she'd done with her AP.

I think the best way to attack it is to "take it back." If you look at it as establishing new patterns of thinking for both of you, you can end up taking what he may have thought was the special purview of his affair, and making it your own. It may seem a bit weird at first wondering whether they did this or that (actually, a couple of things we did I know she planned to do with him right before I found out), but after a little time, it can be something you take away from the AP and make it between you and him.

That happened with us concerning the gym. That was where she met her second AP. When I decided to start going to the gym, it was an odd feeling. But after a time, it became our time to spend together. Seven years later, we still go to the gym, though now it is a different one. :)

StupidWife 04/05/2018

@Cole50: YES! That is exactly where I thought I should be going...not to the gym (well, I actually do go there) but to take it back. I see that I was doing that subconsciously when I encouraged him to meet me in a few places I knew they'd been. I can't get into her actual house so I "suggested" we play all over ours and I went to the park and hotel where they met up for sex. and saw it for my own eyes--then I told him all about it..... I told him I was rewriting the past putting myself into the scene in place of BB--I wondered if it was weird or not advisable but it worked. Relieved to hear that it makes sense to normal people, too.

@robs123: Thank you for your encouragement. I really do feel better now that I've actively taken care of myself, set boundaries for us both, and stopped being someone I'm not (a doormat who takes his anger because she's afraid of doing it all alone; been there, done that and I'm not going back). This query came on me while I was on my yoga mat and I noticed that I was holding onto the insecurity and wondering (1) the normalcy of such and (2) how to deal with it. I've kept the affair under tight wraps but the MC and troubles are known to my family, our kids (appropriate to age, of course) and friends. Still protecting him from his bad decisions? Yes. Working on that too.

Thank you to you all. My best to you, too, on this journey.

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