Essentially he doesn't look at other people as human being with value.

People have value in terms of only what they provide for him. He uses people like he uses objects. Chairs are for sitting and forks are for eating.

You are designated to provide him wifely duties, bear children, and take care of them.

Big boobs value is in providing him sexual pleasure when required.

He no longer has that woman so you take upon the additional role as pleasure provider.

It is the narcissistic personality of cheaters that allows them to do what they do. You can do a lot of evil things if you dehumanize people.

Some of the greatest atrocities have be committed with the same mindset.

If you wonder why cheaters are able to do what they do when it will destroy other...simply it doesn't come into consideration because your existence is to improve theirs, not the other way around.

Self sacrifice to help other's thrive is love. Cheating is sacrificing other chance to thrive to gain for yourself.

My sense is that you are overthinking this. Your husband loves you and he didn't want to objectify you into being his sex toy. Some men simply find it difficult mentally to have "porno sex" with someone they care about emotionally. This is fairly common.

I think that's a typical "excuse" for cheating on your spouse with a bimbo.

It's not you....it's me.

@forwardmotion: Could be. But sexual researches have reported the phenomena among couples where cheating is not an issue. Even relatively benign acts can, subjectively, be seen as animalistic or degrading. (e.g., oral, swallowing, anal, mummification in latex, etc.) This creates internal conflict because they physically enjoy the sex, but mentally feel guilty about using their loving, "pure" spouse to fulfill that prurient interest. Other men simply feel too vulnerable to their spouse.

In any case, the important thing is that StupidWife's husband is back in the saddle again, and they are connecting in new and wonderful ways. They should celebrate that, and not let BigBoobs invade their minds or bedroom anymore than she already has.

I would agree that we all have desires that would produce levels of shame because of social/religious context. It shows an underlying problem of conflict between your desires and your identify as a person or couple.

However, from her description the husband doesn't seem to full grasp an understanding of his shortcomings.

Perhaps he needs to be reminded that the desires aren't the issue but his lying, lack of openness, and decision to look outside the marriage to satisfy his selfish desires.

Thank you, all for your responses and the interesting dialogue. While it occurred to me that he was/is able to "compartmentalize" the sex acts, I think you are not far from the mark Mr. C. When I read your post, I recalled some comments during MC like: she was a "toy" and he felt so out of control in his "life" (which still pisses me off for reasons different than this query) he found someone who would completely submit/give in/not reject him and his peculiar "needs". He voices that I "wasn't into" him and she was--she worshiped him, just like the other women did before me. She was available and I wasn't--for totally legitimate reasons (4 young kids, his sick mom, both working, older house needing repairs, my parents, blah, blah all tedious life things that he was more than happy to hand over and run free, to her). Reflecting on that time, that was when I lost respect for him, he left me to attend to "our life" while he dallied and played. Then her husband called me and warned me about their inappropriate phone calls and texting (I presume she lied to her husband about the sex, too). I tried to rally and soldiered on, but the damage was done. Looks like my "denial" phase was years long during which my subconscious was working on how to deal with their affair. So, when we had the confrontation 11 months ago, I presumed it was because I was his "second" choice now that she wasn't available anymore. Talk about self-loathing and doubt, eh? Working on my self-respect, too.

On the positive side, the sex is way, way better for me; he's finally admitted that he was a totally selfish lover and now he wants to change that--so there's progress. But the nagging doubt does linger (he did lie about their sexual affair, what part I played and such so why wouldn't he lie about his true desires [not to be divorced, lose money, not see his kids, etc.]..see how the snake eats its tail....). Gah!

Forward's last comment is also on point--I am reminded that the lying, concealment and affair are the reasons that I question him. Legitimately so. I've been working on rebuilding respect for him despite his running away from our life; I think my work on these aspects of our life are coupled together with his actions. The more I express respect (not tearing him down, encouraging our connection) the more confidence he feels to express his not-mainstream "needs" and his remorse/commitment to fixing what he broke. Ah. Back to the yoga mat I go...

Thank you, as always.

@StupidWife: Your concerns are all valid, reasonable, and to be expected. It will take time for him to earn your trust again. My experience was, I knew I would never be able to get back the same relationship my wife and I had before her affair. Like a broken plate, smashed to pieces, there was no way to put that back together. So, instead, I determined to build a new and different relationship with her. Conceptually, I guess I hit a metaphorical "Reset" button. We don't discuss her affair anymore, because it happened during our prior relationship. It doesn't bear upon our new relationship. (Full disclosure: We were separated for 2-1/2 years, and we are now 5+ years after D-Day. So, as I say, it takes time.) Will my wife cheat again? I dunno. Probably not. But I refuse to waste any time worrying about it.

Best of luck to you!