I'm sorry you are here and going through all of this. First, none of this is your fault. If you are hoping for reconciliation, here are a few things: she must be truly remorseful, transparent in all things, and undergo her own individual counseling. As you now know, cheaters only admit to what they're caught with and get better over time at hiding and taking things underground. You cannot fix her or the marriage. She has to WANT to. You can't make people feel things they don't (remorse, regret, authentic love for their partner). You should seek your own individual counseling to help you sort through the betrayal and having lived a lie for so many years. Only after you are both in counseling for a while is marriage counseling helpful. Do not do any form of marriage counseling that subscribes to the codependent model (so Bob, tell me what did you do to contribute to the demise of your marriage?). It is not helpful and in fact is seriously damaging to the betrayed spouse. You did nothing to make her cheat and lie. That is all on her. Healthy married people who "drift apart" or "you aren't meeting my needs" have this discussion BEFORE looking outside the marriage. Yeah this sucks, a huge part of your adult life spent believing what was never true. Reconciliation is most often a unicorn but it can happen with a desire on the cheaters part to actually change, a ton of work, and 100% honesty in all things. If she is unable or unwilling to do the hard work and you stay, you will go through this over and over again. Forgiveness can happen but you will never forget. Trust is very hard to rebuild. We've been suckers for so long, now is the time to focus on what YOU want. You actually get to decide what you want your future to look like, now that you have the truth. It does take years to get past this regardless if you stay or go. The damage done to you is unfathomable to the non-betrayed. I wish you peace and healing.

Thanks for the kind note. The counseling I had set up actually had us each with our own individual counselors. But the counselors were such that, when the time was right, each of them could transition us both into marital counseling. There was the complication that, at the time, I didn't know what to tell my counselor in terms of what was going to happen or what to prepare for (divorce? reconciliation?). Despite that, it really was a good arrangement - something I did a TON of research and phone calls trying to bring to reality (for all the good it did).

This past Fall, I did indeed go to individual counseling. It was there where I was encouraged to essentially use new techniques to get the truth out of her. Can I be sure it really is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? There may be a few mostly irrelevant details missing. But the things she told me, including some things that I had no idea about, fit some missing pieces like a glove.

She is supposedly a good, Christian woman who counsels youth to be honest, trustworthy, respectful and truthful. How, in the face of that, you have nothing to do with doing and being the same when you have done what she did remains beyond me. But she has never had trouble sleeping at night, unlike me.

Just this past week, I finally dumped a bunch of my feelings on her, mostly concerning how she thought not saying anything (maybe ever) about what she did would somehow help matters. It clearly hasn't. She claims it was because she was too ashamed, but (and maybe this is just me), I always thought shame led to both contrition and doing WHATEVER you had to in terms of making it right. In any case, I have told her (as I have several times since this happened) that the one thing she cannot do when she has chosen to rent our marriage asunder is NOTHING. And nothing is her consistent pattern until she is forced to do otherwise.

As for counseling moving forward, I am well aware of the alternatives out there and what they do. I am Christian, and the first group I lined up back in late 2012 really were among the foremost Christian counselors out there - anywhere. They are nationally renowned (both hers and mine). When I resigned and moved, I moved to where these counselors were so we could get into both individual and group counseling. We lived there for two years - nothing happened.

Now I live in a whole other part of the country, but I know such people are still out there. And I will re-connect with the person I talked to last Fall - very helpful.

Perhaps the most curious development of all was that I had the opportunity to help someone who had maritally cheated during these intervening years. In that case, the "offending spouse" ended up being the one to quit his job, find a whole new field of work, drop almost all his old friends, and make a total re-committal to his marriage. It was impressive to see as he built a marriage those two had never had - and apparently it continues to just get better. But at the same time, it was depressing to see someone else do so much, while my own spouse kept doing nothing.

Yes, what you said was all spot-on. And I might add that the damage done was unfathomable to me that it could ever happen, and then feel as bad as it does.

Thanks again. If there are any updates, I will post them and let you know. PEACE!

There Is a certain type of personality (disorder) who don't believe the rules apply to them and are entirely capable of things like straight faced counseling youth on honesty, proclaiming themselves to be religious, cheating on their spouse, and then going home to sleep like a baby. They rarely want or agree to therapy, as in their mind there is nothing to fix. There's a great quote about this type of personality (disorder) I think is attributed to author George Simon: It's not that they don't see, it's that they disagree" (that there is anything wrong with their behavior).

I had an affair a couple of years ago, and shame made it almost impossible to discuss details with my husband. I came clean about the scope on D-day because I had to. An affair was rather out of character for me, and I would rather not have rehashed regrettable physical encounters if I could have avoided it, so I relate in part to what you are saying about your wife.

Sometimes it isn't that the cheater doesn't feel guilty or remorseful. Sometimes it's that they feel so ashamed that it's absolutely paralyzing, especially if they come from a really shaming background that gets stirred up by the present situation. That's not at all an excuse to lie. I am in no way saying it is fine that she had an affair and concealed the sexual part of her affair for years. It's just an explanation of the possible headspace.

I'm sorry you have been set back all the way to the beginning. It's certainly not your fault.

Graving Girl, I think you hit it on the nose. Of all her siblings, she was the only one who, through life, had made mostly responsible choices. This tryst was, to say the least, QUITE out of character for her. Unlike you though, there really wasn't a shaming background for her to get dredged up. In fact, part of the problem was that, since she had been abandoned by both parents at age 14 (another story), while she made mostly good choices in the years that followed, she never had ANYONE to call her to account when she did go awry.

Which means that, when she was first confronted about this, it was like hitting a huge hornet's nest with a ball bat - several times. I don't know what made or when her feelings eventually changed to shame. But it didn't happen soon enough to keep her from doing several things that made an awful situation even worse.

And I must apologize to you in that I have far less sympathy for the kind of paralysis you refer to then I should have - especially to her. I understand it, and as I said, you have probably "hit the nail on the head". And I am really glad that, for whatever reason you may have "had to" divulge the details, you didn't prolong and prolong and prolong it. As you can see, it benefits no one.

Hope your relationship is much better now. And thanks SO MUCH for sharing - I can tell it still brings pain to have to share what you just did.

It seems like you are giving her too much power in this. If she has never been willing to talk and seek counseling, it means she's not willing to put in the hard work.

I had a similar situation that extra details were revealed years into our rebuilding. It was like aslow but really hard kick in the gut.

My cs was willing and did go to counseling after that revelation. It didn't help a whole lot because years of rebuilding had been taken away in a way.

Try setting up an appointment with a marriage counselor. Give her the date and time. If she chooses not to show, go anyway. Maybe being there alone will help you find insight.