Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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ineedadvise 05/26/2016

Married 27 years. DDay was a little over a year ago. Long story short, I never felt from day one that my H was telling me everything, fearing I guess that the more I knew the worse it would be for him, Instead because of my major trust issue, I still spy. Through this I discovered a few lies along the way. We managed to I guess to get through them. Recently I found a picture he left in his recycle bin of him and HER 2 daughters in 2007. He's known her since 2000. He told me the SEX did not start until 2009?? Then I find naked pictures of her in some hidden folders. I still don't know how I found them//, but I did. They were from 2003. So now I have to ask him about it and I have a hard time because it's awkward to talk about, for me anyway. I might need therapy, which I can't afford right now. I finally get that conversation started and he becomes defiant, and wants to know why I'm digging, why I just can't let go, and Iv'e told him over and over again that lies and deceit are not going to work. I wouldn't be digging if I didn't feel I had to to get answers. Still hasn't admitted that the SEX started way before he said. He told me she sent them to HELP him get off. I can't believe I'm even here right now honestly. So whatever you can advise, I'd appreciate.

StormPetrel 05/26/2016

Take a deep breath. He is a liar and a cheat. He is not going to tell you the truth. I feel your pain because my H still hasn't told me the full story either. He never will. Their instinct is to protect themselves, not us. Defiant? Odd. Not the right attitude for someone who wants to reconcile, is it? Makes you wonder.

Why does he still have this shit on his computer? See if you can make copies for yourself then go to him and tell him you want to see him delete this crap - in front of you.

He could still be cheating. You are not going to know unless you are spying. I still spy. My H's T told my H that it was my H's behavior that taught me to keep spying. I needed to since I cannot believe what he says.

You don't need therapy, it's your H who does.

Have him get that shit off his computer. It is disrespectful to you.
Keep an eye on him. If he is still cheating, you have to decide what you want to do. There's very little we can do to make them stop.

Amuse yourself thinking about how you want to use those pictures onlilne! Send them to her husband, her boss, her mother? Never admit you did it either. You can lie, too.

calirn13 05/26/2016

Secrecy keeps the affair alive even if it's officially over-- as long as the pictures and "gifts" are around its not over...

refurb 05/26/2016

#1 and 2 are spot on
An aspect of cheating is about control
If they don't tell you all , they are in control

Cheating is about "controlling" truth by how they choose to let snippets out to tell a story

My ex wife was all about image
Her image

tusie2 05/27/2016

StormPetrel is right, they are protecting themselves. They won't completely admit they are doing anything wrong to save face. If they can cheat they will lie as well to cover their tracks.

My H likes to tell me that he doesn't give me his passwords because I have a suspicious nature. I use to take comments like that to heart and feel like maybe something was wrong with me . Something wrong with me...LOL, yeah right! Now that I've been on this site and reading Chump Lady I don't buy that crap any longer, neither should you. They are narcissists and they know can manipulate their loving, kind and honest spouses.

No, don't take his crap, it's hard, but you need to continue to be strong and stick up for yourself. You keep digging, sister!!!! If there's nothing to hide, you wouldn't be finding pictures and crap.

Yeah I bet her husband would love a copy :)

Hugs!

gravinggirl 05/27/2016

I am pretty sure my therapist would advise you two to sit down together and go through the computer and clear it out. She is anti-snooping but pro-boundaries and communication. She said if one partner suspects something and wants to see a phone/device, it is best to approach the other partner and look at it right in front of them, even though it is uncomfortable.

Lenoire 05/28/2016

Graving I'm not interested in knowing what the therapist of a cheating spouse advises. A cheater breaks all the cardinal rules, and instantly loses their right to privacy. Why? Because the privacy that their loyal and trusting spouse bestowed upon them, is the very vehicle cheaters use to deceive, lie, and commit infidelity.

Cheaters are liars by nature, if you hadn't noticed, who take every precaution to hide their dirty little secrets, until a resourceful betrayed spouse takes it upon themselves to dig further to discover the devastating truths.

Let your therapist know, she's got it all wrong. Privacy and boundaries go out the window when you're a cheating spouse.

anywonder 05/28/2016

dear ineedadvice, i would confiscate/keep/protect/duplicate what evidence you have. you may need it in the future to honor yoursself & have some proof to the situation should legal issues pursue. Dont do like i did & throw the pc tower away because it became an eye of disgust to me.

anywonder 05/28/2016

a therapist may do what exactly what graving girl said, & because they as 'higher counselor specialists' dont want to really know the details either. they are not personally involved. Hind site would be that if you take that route, your much needed info. will be lost forever then 'word against word'. protect it/hide & tuck it away for yourself again, until you decide what to do. its best not to help continue to 'cover up' the situation. Where there is cheating, there is also time & $$ taken away from the family nest. you would only be passively accepting/condoning they're behaviors despite your own rights!
I wish you well. It can be a bit of a roller coaster ride> but you must focus on yourself from outside what you have discovered.
keep up us to date & wish you the best!!!
Sincerely

ineedadvise 05/31/2016

Thank you all so much. The frustrating thing here is, the affair is over. I still check his phone, emails,etc. He has not traveled for work since I found out, coincidence, probably not, but she lives in Florida. Now I have also been a stickler for where there is a will there is a way, and he has actually proven me right on that,but I just think it would be kinda hard for him to keep it going at this point. He is remorseful and ashamed, but I just want his reactions to go away and I want the pain of all I know and he may have forgotten, just to go away. Storm, I have been breathing alot lately, thanks!!

movingon2016 06/16/2016

Inneed...I've been cheated on by the X numerous times. The first time he denied even though she kept calling our house and telling things to our roommate. He denied until I tricked a friend into telling me the truth.

The second time, i had phone logs and hotel receipts and he denied everything until i called the girl and got her on the phone. Third time was the same.

Seriously, they deny everything because you don't have absolute proof. To this day he still says he did not cheat. The first girl was before our marriage and the others he only spent the night with them talking. I am picturing him painting her nails and combing her hair while they discuss all the latest gossip. Oh...don't forget the pillow fights and giggling either.

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