Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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Am I being unreasonable?

inlimbo68
inlimbo68
My husband and I are now nearly 2 years from Dday. I struggled to come to terms with what he did but have, I think, finally forgiven him for the affair, if not the aftermath. He has not really addressed the damage it has caused to me and our marriage. He has failed completely to understand the deep hurt his betrayal has caused and the time needed to 'get over it'. I have shown him a few of Cole's most relevant and inciteful articles (thank you Cole!) but he just glances at them without really taking much in, he refuses to discuss the issues and fobs me off with 'I haven't got time right now' Of course there is never any follow through....

He is a very busy man with work and always has been but it is worse now than ever before. I would have thought though that saving our marriage (he has said all along that he wants to) would class as one of his priorities.... I have told him, perhaps too bluntly, that he has to set aside some time for us to be together both as a couple and as a family. That he needs to make an effort to make me feel wanted and needed. He tells me that if I make more of an effort then he will. Well, I have implemented many of the changes he asked me for at the time of his affair and stuck to them, I have surprised him with a couple of thoughtful gifts which took time and planning to organise. I researched and organised a special holiday last year for our 25 wedding anniversary all whilst he has done nothing similar for me.

When I am feeling ok, and he gives me the chance, I am loving and romantic but when I fall into another mini-depression (they tend to last a day or so) I tend to, very emotionally, tell him how I feel and he reacts by being defensive and stubborn laying the blame all back on me.

Any comments/ advice? Am I being unreasonable to ask for more from him?
Lenoire
Lenoire
You are not being unreasonable, not in the least.

What does it mean when you say "He is a very busy man with work..."
Does he work a 9-5 job? Why is he so busy with work?
distancemj
distancemj
I do not think you are unreasonable either. I understand being busy with work. I admit i am a work aholic, i work for a global company so my hours are all over the board. i have not worked less than 60 hours a weeek in 15 years. But because she is hardly ever around i need to work a good chunk of the off business hours from home, doing calls with teams in india and s ingapore and the UK while running the house hold. Does your husband have the ability to do some of his work from home?
lisalisa72
lisalisa72
H and I started doing errands together on Saturdays and that's pretty much the extent of our alone time. We have lots of great conversations and some not-so-great, but its nice to have those 5 or 6 hours together. Maybe you could do something similar or even just have a glass of wine on the patio at the end of the day?

My one suggestion is to give him more specific requests like "let's take the kids to X on Saturday afternoon" or "I picked up your favorite beer, let's go hang out in the back yard for awhile." He probably has no idea what to do with "set aside some time for us to be together both as a couple and as a family" and "make an effort to make me feel wanted and needed." Especially that last one - he probably figures that working hard to financially support the family is showing his love and caring. And from his perspective, it is.

You might have to take the lead on this for awhile until he understands specifically what you need from him.
Learningskills
Learningskills
Is your gut telling you what his actual behavior means at this time?
inlimbo68
inlimbo68
As for the work I mean he leaves for work around 8am and returns at anytime between 7:30- 8:30pm, eats his meal, then works from home until 1am weekdays and also works roughly another 20hrs at home each weekend. There are also frequent evening meals with visiting companies and trips abroad for up to a week at a time.

And yes his affair was with a work colleague whom he still works with.

@lisa thank you for the suggestion to be specific, I have had some success with this approach in the past but I often get the impression that he feels time away from work is wasted time and that makes me relunctant to ask.
As for providing for the family he does not get paid by the hour and half of our 4 children are now financially independent. I have frequently told him that the money is not important to me.
inlimbo68
inlimbo68
My gut feeling is that he gains his self-respect from validation at work from his colleagues. I had an insight into this in spring 2013 when the department he led was dissolved and there was a period of a couple of weeks when his future role was in doubt (not his employment or salary). He became very morose/unsettled but it was during this time that I at last gained empathy from him for how I felt however that was short-lived and ended when he threw himself into his new role which in fact ties him even closer with the OW.

I do not believe he is still having an affair.
Cole50
Cole50
He shouldn't be waiting for you to make changes. The ball is in his court, not yours. He either plays ball or defaults the "game."

That's why your actions haven't had the desired results. Indeed, him saying that indicates using a slight-of-hand to put the onus on you so he can avoid dealing with it. He is using work as an excuse to avoid the issues, and him trying to put the ball into your court is a form of blame shifting.

As long as he refuses to invest in rebuilding and the marriage, you are fighting an uphill battle.

I just published a blog post on dealing with an uncooperative spouse you may want to read.

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/08/healing-steps-for-hurt-spouse.html
inlimbo68
inlimbo68
I just did Cole, thank you! He has done some of the things to cooperate but not all. He is now transparent but it took a while to get there. I am as confident as I can be that he is no longer having an affair. That in itself is a big step for me!
deleted_user
deleted_user
From what you've written, it sounds like you're doing all the work whilst he hangs out at his job, where the OW resides, feeding you just enough crumbs to keep you in limbo.

Of course it's your choice to continue to try and save the marriage. I am not saying you shouldn't do this, but maybe it's worth assessing the state of your own life since the affair. Is the good starting to outweigh the bad, or is it just a constant struggle, punctuated by periods of depression?
Lstecker
Lstecker
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I mean, my biggest fear after my EX's affair was of us getting back into the routine that got us off track, into our different lives. That's when the affair happened, right? When we were off track? So, when I saw us going back into that, I did freak out. It made me feel unsettled all the time - cuz I felt like we were ripe to have it all go down again.

(...and then it did...we divorced)

I don't know if I have any huge words of advice here for her, but I can say that I do understand how you feel. I do agree that you need to be specific, as lisa said. Above all, don't ever let him forget that you want to spend time with him.

L~
Lenoire
Lenoire
The fact that he works such long hours is a big problem for me. Work is more important to him than living. He has not put aside anytime for you, his wife, his family and what should be his main focus.

He needs to stop and smell the roses, take a deep breath, open his eyes and live in the present.

Anyone who works that much is avoiding life, and what are you getting out of it? He goes to work, he comes home to eats, then works till the wee hours at home.

There's something very wrong with this picture and I wouldn't doubt if he was still up to something. I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

I wish you strength.
fibrosucks
fibrosucks
My H's affair happened when he was at home laid off from work. He is a heavy equipment operator and usually works away all week. I found out by accident when my daughter happened to have to use one of his old phones. It happened a year ago and when we took a cross country trip they were texting each other. He says it ended then but I feel it ended cuz when we got home his mom had had a bad stroke and he got called back to work so naturally who was seeing that the MIL was taken care of? I was used in a huge sort of way. Had I known this on our trip his ass would have come back the best way he knew how cuz it would not have been with me and the kids! He knows the ball is in his court and it's up to him to figure out how to make ammends which is hard when he has no choice but to work away. I do know that before any real intimacy occurs there will be an STD test done and we will renew our wedding vowels in front of our kids. He will get me a new ring and this time he gets one too! After 20 years of marriage he still doesn't remember our anniversary so maybe this time he will cuz this ring won't be cheap. If he honestly and truly wants this to work he will do this. He is a tightwad so we shall see just what this marriage means :) he tried blaming me (guilt the wife) and that backfired on him and he knows I mean business so we will see where it goes. I am prepared either way.