Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Coping With Infidelity: Understanding The Wayward Fog
Posted on July 10, 2012 by Lil
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/wp-...Path-Small.jpg Are you faced with infidelity in your marriage? Has your Wayward Spouse begun describing a marriage unfamiliar to you and a history of which you dont believe you were a part? Have you been told that the infidelity is your fault or that your spouse never loved you in the first place? Perhaps youve heard, I love you, but Im not in love with you.
These are typical symptoms of a biochemical rush commonly known as The Wayward Fog or The Affair Fog. How do you know if it is occurring in your marriageand what can you do about it?
Infidelity And The Wayward Fog
The Wayward Fog and The Affair Fog are terms often used by experts and victims of infidelity to describe the euphoria felt by someone involved in an affair. The Fog, while strangely named, is a real phenomenon. On websites supporting infidelity, it is sometimes referred to as the affair bubble.
The Fog Rolls In
The Wayward Fog is described as similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. S/he feels a new high, a feeling of being in love. Comparisons are made between the marriage and the affair and, inevitably, the marriage suffers.
They Justify The Infidelity
Next begins a repeated internal dialogue of rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. The Wayward Spouse needs to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up and minimise their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad and that it had been for a long time, that their spouse doesnt really love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soul-mate because he/she is the only one who understands them. They may tell themselves, and the Betrayed Spouse, that the Betrayed Spouse is better off without them. Frequently this rationalization leads to inventing reasons for having the affair in the first place, including that the affair is like therapy, something they do for themselves. They say it makes them a better, happier spouse If I am happier, then how could that be bad for my marriage/family/spouse?
Loss of Empathy
After a short time, they cease to think of anyone elses feelings not parents, not spouses, not children, not friends only their feelings and the feelings of their Affair Partner. To a foggy Wayward, the Other Person is without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. Soon the cheating spouse begins to believe the lies theyve been telling themselves. They, therefore, act accordingly, treating their spouse with anger and hostility, and their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. Despite all of this, the Wayward might not want out of the marriage. They enjoy the familial comfort of home, with the added excitement of the affair. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, no matter the total disregard for the Betrayed.
Thus beings a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog.
Typical Fog, also called The Wayward Script, includes:
* Re-writing marriage history
* Projecting blame for the Wayward Spouses guilt onto the Betrayed Spouse
* The typical I love you but
* The proclamation that the other person is the Wayward Spouses soul mate
* The demonizing of the Betrayed Spouse in order to rationalize the Wayward Spouses infidelity.
* Gaslighting
An Addictive Fantasy
Of course, The Fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. They are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to that of a teenager in love. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to remove them from this Fog. The dopamine that is released in the brain is the same chemical that is released when someone uses cocaine or opium. It clouds judgement and makes people do and say things they would never do or say otherwise. This does not excuse the Wayward Spouse for their behaviour, it just partially explains what is occurring within their thought process.
The Fog Is NOT An Excuse
I cannot stress enough The Fog does not provide an excuse for the actions of the Wayward Spouse. However, it certainly does explain where some of the behaviour comes from and how it can manifest. If you read any of the works of Dr. Helen Fisher, you will gain a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the human mating system and how dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin can affect a persons judgement and personality.
Confusion and Uncertainty
For the Betrayed, The Fog makes for a very confusing and trying time. Not only has the person you thought you could always count on stabbed you in the back, but they are now acting totally out of character. They have probably rewritten your relationship history and are professing their love to someone else. If you can have a rational, calm discussion with your Wayward Partner, sometimes you can point out the inaccuracies and inconsistencies in their story. More than likely, however, if they are deep in the Fog, this conversation will be unproductive. Listen to the Wayward Spouses complaints and ask yourself, Is there a kernel of truth in that? While the Fog presents a warped perspective, often these complaints contain genuine grievances that were problems prior to the affair, and need to be addressed.
The Freedom of Understanding
Gaining a better understanding of what your Wayward Partner is thinking is beneficial to the Betrayed in that s/he can understand that the infidelity is NOT about them. Now is the time for the Betrayed to begin to take care of him/herself to further his/her own growth and healing.
Affairs are fantasy and even the blindest Wayward Spouse eventually realizes and acknowledges that fantasy isnt reality. But this reality most always happens after the affair has ended.
The lies a person will tell themselves can take many forms. They are not always about leaving the marriage or demonizing the Betrayed Spousebut they are always bad for the marriage.
If you have to rationalize it its wrong.
The right choice is evident and does not require explanation.
Sources:
marriageadvocates.com
talkaboutmarriage.com
survivinginfidelity.com
emotionalaffair.org
affairsurvival.com
Posted on July 10, 2012 by Lil
http://www.marriageadvocates.com/wp-...Path-Small.jpg Are you faced with infidelity in your marriage? Has your Wayward Spouse begun describing a marriage unfamiliar to you and a history of which you dont believe you were a part? Have you been told that the infidelity is your fault or that your spouse never loved you in the first place? Perhaps youve heard, I love you, but Im not in love with you.
These are typical symptoms of a biochemical rush commonly known as The Wayward Fog or The Affair Fog. How do you know if it is occurring in your marriageand what can you do about it?
Infidelity And The Wayward Fog
The Wayward Fog and The Affair Fog are terms often used by experts and victims of infidelity to describe the euphoria felt by someone involved in an affair. The Fog, while strangely named, is a real phenomenon. On websites supporting infidelity, it is sometimes referred to as the affair bubble.
The Fog Rolls In
The Wayward Fog is described as similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. S/he feels a new high, a feeling of being in love. Comparisons are made between the marriage and the affair and, inevitably, the marriage suffers.
They Justify The Infidelity
Next begins a repeated internal dialogue of rationalizations, over and over again in their minds. The Wayward Spouse needs to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up and minimise their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad and that it had been for a long time, that their spouse doesnt really love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soul-mate because he/she is the only one who understands them. They may tell themselves, and the Betrayed Spouse, that the Betrayed Spouse is better off without them. Frequently this rationalization leads to inventing reasons for having the affair in the first place, including that the affair is like therapy, something they do for themselves. They say it makes them a better, happier spouse If I am happier, then how could that be bad for my marriage/family/spouse?
Loss of Empathy
After a short time, they cease to think of anyone elses feelings not parents, not spouses, not children, not friends only their feelings and the feelings of their Affair Partner. To a foggy Wayward, the Other Person is without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. Soon the cheating spouse begins to believe the lies theyve been telling themselves. They, therefore, act accordingly, treating their spouse with anger and hostility, and their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. Despite all of this, the Wayward might not want out of the marriage. They enjoy the familial comfort of home, with the added excitement of the affair. It is as if they become addicted to the affair, needing the constant high it brings, no matter the total disregard for the Betrayed.
Thus beings a cycle of wash, rinse, and repeat and soon they are deeply entrenched in the fog.
Typical Fog, also called The Wayward Script, includes:
* Re-writing marriage history
* Projecting blame for the Wayward Spouses guilt onto the Betrayed Spouse
* The typical I love you but
* The proclamation that the other person is the Wayward Spouses soul mate
* The demonizing of the Betrayed Spouse in order to rationalize the Wayward Spouses infidelity.
* Gaslighting
An Addictive Fantasy
Of course, The Fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. They are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to that of a teenager in love. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to remove them from this Fog. The dopamine that is released in the brain is the same chemical that is released when someone uses cocaine or opium. It clouds judgement and makes people do and say things they would never do or say otherwise. This does not excuse the Wayward Spouse for their behaviour, it just partially explains what is occurring within their thought process.
The Fog Is NOT An Excuse
I cannot stress enough The Fog does not provide an excuse for the actions of the Wayward Spouse. However, it certainly does explain where some of the behaviour comes from and how it can manifest. If you read any of the works of Dr. Helen Fisher, you will gain a clearer understanding of the dynamics of the human mating system and how dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin can affect a persons judgement and personality.
Confusion and Uncertainty
For the Betrayed, The Fog makes for a very confusing and trying time. Not only has the person you thought you could always count on stabbed you in the back, but they are now acting totally out of character. They have probably rewritten your relationship history and are professing their love to someone else. If you can have a rational, calm discussion with your Wayward Partner, sometimes you can point out the inaccuracies and inconsistencies in their story. More than likely, however, if they are deep in the Fog, this conversation will be unproductive. Listen to the Wayward Spouses complaints and ask yourself, Is there a kernel of truth in that? While the Fog presents a warped perspective, often these complaints contain genuine grievances that were problems prior to the affair, and need to be addressed.
The Freedom of Understanding
Gaining a better understanding of what your Wayward Partner is thinking is beneficial to the Betrayed in that s/he can understand that the infidelity is NOT about them. Now is the time for the Betrayed to begin to take care of him/herself to further his/her own growth and healing.
Affairs are fantasy and even the blindest Wayward Spouse eventually realizes and acknowledges that fantasy isnt reality. But this reality most always happens after the affair has ended.
The lies a person will tell themselves can take many forms. They are not always about leaving the marriage or demonizing the Betrayed Spousebut they are always bad for the marriage.
If you have to rationalize it its wrong.
The right choice is evident and does not require explanation.
Sources:
marriageadvocates.com
talkaboutmarriage.com
survivinginfidelity.com
emotionalaffair.org
affairsurvival.com
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
My H was like a stranger when I confronted him and the in the days following - I almost had to deprogram him by slowly exposing the OW for who she really was and correcting his view of our relationship at the same time.
For instance - he said I was too involved with our child and didn't have time for him. She gave him attention. Well yeah - they were at work and not at home with her 3 (now 4) young children. How much attention would he have gotten in a house with that many kids and ex-husbands coming and going?
She deceived him by presenting a side of herself that wasn't accurate - she was a great mom who cooked dinner every night and still had time to give her man attention. I slowly poked holes in all that and showed him it wasn't true - she left her kids in daycare almost 12 hours a day so she could stay at work longer and hang out with the guys. They ate fast food every night for dinner - she rarely cooked. And she had 3 ex husbands/boyfriends who all seemed like nice guys and she cheated on all of them with the next in line. Doesn't sound like she was really taking care of them.
That is the dumbest person walking.
Lisa, you're right, too. The fog is something else. My H was so arrogant when I confronted him with the cell phone records that I thought I was talking to somebody else. It was like, "I have female friends, so what?" It wasn't until I said, "Why didn't you tell me that we were in an open marriage, so that I could get my stress relieved, too?" that he snapped out of the fog. Then, it was, "We're NOT! No! What are you talking about? You want to have an open marriage? I don't!" I was livid, and I knew that while he could dish it, he could never take it.
"From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.[1] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
I think The Fog can wreak permanent havoc. It did for ex and subsequently for me.
I wish I know then all that I know now. Might have ben able to save us both.
We did have ONE conversation wherein I tried to argue against some of his brand new "facts" created to help him exit our nearly two decade long marriage. There was a stunning moment when I made a very valid and verifiable point, a view he suddenly shared and .... he grasped that visibly, and I saw his eyes open wide for a moment..... and then slam shut again as he opted to disregard reality and retreat into the affair bubble. A moment caught in aspic ....indelible in my memory. Horrific to see him recede ever farther into denial and fantasy..... He has not made any return from his delusions in all this time, and his life is in ruins.
His cherished paid gf departed 1 year into the five year ordeal that was our dissolution and his criminal prosecution.
Mental illness, no impulse control and addiction play a huge part in many of these tales of heartbreak and deception, and much commences with onset of The Fog.