Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
A little over a year ago I discovered FB messages between my wife and a guy from her high school. Long story short, he was making an obvious play for her. At first she wasn't necessarily encouraging him but she wasn't discouraging him either. For example, "[Him] Friends say I'm really good with my hands. [Her] LOL!" "[Him] Every time I look at your photos I get so hot. [Her] Bad boy!" Yes, he had mastered the art of sophomoric conversation. But it worked. Their interactions progressed to include intimate banter and sexting of all the sorts you would expect from a full-fledged EA. She kept their exchanges and even the guy's existence a secret.
One day she took a fight to visit her family and left her FB open on one of the family PCs. I saw. I read. No apologies. Needless to say I was enraged.
Typical alpha, I wanted to just walk out on her and disappear from her life. And I did, abroad, but only for three weeks. During that time I got some distance from the emotion of the discovery and I gathered my thoughts. Not surprisingly my kids were foremost in my mind and I knew had to be there for them no matter what else happened. So I returned home and she and I have since tried to work it out.
But things are different now, and not in a good way. She's desperately trying to be my everything and anything. My anger has subsided but today I just don't see her the same way. Her minor physical and social flaws appear much more glaring than they were before. I don't trust her with my heart like I used to. And frankly I just don't understand the psychology of a midlife mother who ostensibly has it all -- stay-at-home momhood, my substantial income, a beautiful house, a regular and varied sex life, and an effective parental partnership -- and yet abandons it for the online scraps of a cop living check-to-check two time zones away.
All this has me thinking teleologically. (Yes, I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence. I saw my chance and I took it.) Seriously though, I want to know if the time will come that I once again care about her as a wife and lover (or not). And if I can care about her again, how do I get there from here? I also want to better understand why a woman like her, living a happy and privileged life, would do such a thing (she says she has no idea why).
I can totally understand ur questions as I do Stanley ask myself the same ones. 1 thing to really realize is that it has nothing to do with you it's not ur fault. It was her choice to cheat instead of talking about any issues she had. She probably was intrigued by the attention of another man not because he was better or more successful than you in any way just because if the selfishness and the attention it gave her.
I'm still vety often too asking the question "how could you do this" to my boyfriend. There is just no answer. If she says she doesn't know why she probably just doesn't know why cause cheaters don't think about consequences of their action. They kack empathy and they are only focussed on their selfish needs.
It sounds like she's doing everything right to repair things which is a good sign but don't bear urself up for wondering if u can love her again. I wonder that too vety often. We are just slapped in the face by the reality that the person we loved and we thought shared the same values morals and empathy level as us was truly a selfish immoral person without any empathy. For me that's a huge thing and I don't know either if I can ever love him again. Time will tell. 1 year is early. Usually trust and forgiveness takes 2-5 years apparently so hang in there. But don't beat urself up if your love for her is gone you have at least tried and you have nothing to feel bad about if you leave. Wish you the best.
What are you doing to rebuild, and is it working? Is it worth it?
I would suggest she needs to look at herself and establish why she did it. Attention, curiosity? the initial answer is often "I don't know" For you to rebuild trust she needs to give you something. There must be a driver. If she can't work it out seek professional help. It helped me more than I ever thought.
She also needs to remove herself from FB immediately and any other platform he could use to contact her. I made my wife close FB, change her email and change her mobile number. She had to field lots of uncomfortable questions from friends and family why she was doing it. T.S
Kudos to her for doing it. It was the first step and the fact she offered no resistance was a positive.
"Her minor physical and social flaws appear much more glaring than they were before" I felt exactly the same way. I still do. Very sad indeed. Maybe it's because when you love someone you accept or overlook their faults. When that love is tested you question everything.
As to why she did it I have NFI. My wife was in the similar position you described. She had quite a few excuses. " I thought you didn't love me", "you were more interested in your career" Did, she seek help from a professional, parent, friend or talk to me? Nope.
My summary. Selfishness and weakness. That's why they do it.
I wish you luck my friend.
Without downplaying your situation I would gladly trade what my wife did to me with a EA but I respect it must hurt you deeply.
You have to back away from the idea that circumstances cause adultery.
There are people who have great lives and spouses that will cheat and some that will be faithful. It goes for those in bad situations.
In the end it comes down to strength of character and opportunity.
It is like saying greed is caused by not having enough money. In all honesty the more some greedy people have the more they want.
It's the same issue underneath. Pride and selfishness. Both are fuel by the need to fill a bottomless hole of poor self-worth with external praise/status. Be it having a large bank account to brag about, fancy things, or admiration from people of the same or opposite sex. These things will not bring thankfulness or contentment, but make the need even greater.
My wife is making strides and really doesn't resemble the kind of person she was before last year. The shame of all that has been exposed dissolved much of he pride as she sees who she really was. Knowing that she doesn't deserve the grace and the life she had and continues to have
allows her to be thankful and feel content.
You have trouble loving her because the person she was, simply isn't that loveable. The hard part is to trust that the person she is becoming and to love that person.
Trust and respect are hard to earn and easy to lose. Just be patient because her earning your trust/respect has more value for both of you than you just giving it for free.
Wgat am I doing to rebuilt? Currently nog enough. I can see his effort but I'm emotionally stuck in my head at the moment I cannot move forward. Very often I ask myself will the live come back or am I wasting my time. So I really can't give you any hopefully words as I'm much shorter since D-day than you. I get a lot of hope from reading about success stories and realizing how long the proces may take to forgive and move on and that how I'm currently feeling is normal just like ur thoughts are normal. It just helps me to know I'm just going through the same proces as many before us and for some if them it ended up stronger relationship in the end so that hope is what I hang on to for now. But my CS knows tgat it tajes a long time and that even 2 years doen the road I may still realize the feelings are just gone. Give it time. As long as ur slowly becoming each other's best friend again ur on the right track
Implement as many date nights as you 2 can. And there are some couples therapy exercises to get closer to each other. More meaningful conversations than hopefully the love eventually grows deeper apparently for some couples. I can only hope I'm 1 of those couples. Hopefully you too. Good luck.
The fact is, you scared the shit out of her by taking off for 3 weeks. She got a real good idea of what it would be like trying to raise those kids without your nice house and well paying job. I'm not insinuating you withheld money or anything like that. I'm saying she finally understood what her coming struggle would look like. She sat right back down at your table and is now doing everything she can to make it right.
I suppose my only real question would be, are you willing to continue in a marriage with someone who:
1. Isn't the person you thought she was.
2. Cheated on you emotionally for just no reason at all.
3. Didn't want you first and foremost among all others, even after you apparently worshiped her and gave her everything a woman could want, including the most important thing of all - your respect and love.
4. Was willing to publicly humiliate you and her kids for a few warm fuzzes from a complete stranger or simply not smart enough to give a second of consideration to that possibility. In the later case, you are unequally yoked.
5. You will never know is with you for you amazing personality, humor and skills in the bedroom or just because the other option didn't turn out to be viable (he didn't really want her or she wasn't willing to take the pay cut).
Once you figure that out, you'll know what to do.
Bottom line, I loved her, I loved my family, and I wanted it to work, but the only way to do that is to start over, act as if you’re just beginning and you have all the trust in the world to give her. Most of all, you have to set aside the anger! It sounds idiotic and I know, if I could do it I would, it’s a difficult prospect and you’ll be tempted as I was, to demand passwords to all accounts etc. Just make it clear, you are putting your faith in her, trusting her, but she has to understand the pain she’s caused you, tell her, she needs to make amends and work toward repairing and rebuilding your trust. It will take time, go to therapy, group, single, or couple..I’d recommend couple.
It is foolish to place your trust in someone who betrayed you so deeply. This trust and respect needs to be earned back slowly. Otherwise it is cheap forgiveness and hollow faith.
If you had two kids and your babysitter murdered one of your kids How likely would you entrust your other kid to this babysitter. To tell someone to just blindly trust their cheating spouse is a sure fire way to end up in the same situation again.