Part of me doesn't really believe that this is a purely emotional affair..... perhaps I'm wrong, but if there is talk of marriage, loving each other and they have 'dated'etc, I'd suspect there was more to this than meets the eye. It sounds like she is minimising what has been going on...You may have only discovered what is the tip of the iceberg. If you need to know and be sure about what is going on before you make your move, a keylogger installed on her computer or phone can help verify any suspicions.

If somebody needs more privacy after being caught, not less... well, then they probably have no intention of ending the other relationship. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. The fact that she is more secretive after being caught shows you that she doesn't respect you. It's hard to put your mind at ease when somebody cheats and then becomes more secretive.

It could be forgivable, but your wif'e's 'fog' definitely needs to be abruptly lifted. Your marriage may even dissolve before that happens.

If I was you, yes, I would leave and tell her to be with OM. The reality may hit her then and she may or may not come back.
Either way, there needs to be non contact if she is serious about the marriage. If she is still lying, is secretive and/or is minimising things, it makes it hard to fix your marriage. You can't fix it on your own!!!!

Only you know you can forgive. In my case I was the cheater and after I was caught the first time the first thing I did was to "pretend" to be the perfect husband in order to not become suspicious. Every situation is different however in this particular case the MO is the same. I am sorry to tell you this.

My wife put me between a rock and a hard place the second time with divorce papers and full custody of our kids. It worked and I had to rebuild our marriage.

What would your wife do if you do the same? I really don't know.

She was able to cope and heal from all the damage I caused. Can your wife do the same? Can you trust her again? It is up to you and whatever decision you take it will be the correct one because you are the victim not her. Godspeed.

May I ask who knows about this besides the 2 of you? Does the rest of the family know, or are you shouldering all this on your own? If you are keeping it quiet, you need to stop it and let her parents, your parents, siblings, everyone know what is going on in your marriage. I knwo it is humiliating but she is lying to everyone. She needs to face that. It may wake her up.

Can you forgive? Yes. But even if you do, eventually, it doesn't mean there are not consequences. And for your forgiveness to help her, she first has to become repentant, stop what she is doing, etc. Instead, it appears she is planning her own divorce on her own terms. I'd watch carefully any bank accounts and protect yourself. See a lawyer if you haven't yet, though it sounds like you have. But it sounds like she is stringing you alone until she decides to lower the boom.

If she's not, and this is just her alternate fantasy world, it is about time you bring that world to its knees and face reality. She'll either be shaken out of her foggy thinking and deal with reality, or she'll reveal her true feelings and go with the OM. But perhaps decision time is at hand for her.

I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is how sorry I am for your situation because I can completely understand what you are dealing with. I am fairly new here because I needed support and advice without having to notify my family and friends about the intimate (and embarrasing) details of the issues. They are honest and give great advice. I wish the best!

What makes this particularly difficult for me to think that she will stop is that she allowed herself to develop a deep emotional connection to the other man and she would stop at nothing. It is not just a sex-thing. It seems to me that her fantasies are being satisfied by the romanticism of sneaking around, being secretive and worship from that man. It pains me to see that someone would throw away a marriage with children for such egotistical life style. It is especially painful for me, because my mother was a cheater all her life.
You mentioned she is a stay home mom - of course it is easier to have it all - be home, be supported, have a built-in babysitter (you) AND have all the free time in the world to have an affair.
If she worked two jobs for 16 years and went to college while raising a family and working like I have, she would have no damn energy for an affair!
You sound like a very reasonable man, I don't see you yelling and flipping out... I'm like that too I suppose, but sometimes I wonder if they would have thought twice before doing something this shitty if they knew that you or I have excellent target practice skills, for example lol No fear.. This is the third reason.
I am really sorry for what you are going through. Is there hope? I think there is alway hope, because people make mistakes and some learn, the issue at what cost will it come to you to find out if it will happen.

thanks for all the advice,
Redlegs, other than the 2 of us so far i only let one of my closest friend know (didn't tell my cheating wife). I intend to let the cheating guy's wife know first, then one step at a time.

I don't trust her anymore, but the kids....so hard to decide

If you ca find the courage to bring it out in the open, chances are very good that the cheating will end. Ultimately it is her decision as to whether or not she decides to stop this or move on.

Hoping for what is best for you and your children.

Whatever you do, please don't let the other cheater's wife be the next one to know. Do other things first. I wonder what would happen if you let HIM know before you talk to anybody else, including your wife. Does anybody have any experience or advice about this?

Quaronzo, thanks for responding, but may i ask why not let the cheater's wife know next?

Normalguy,

Great job on going to the lawyer.

Now, let me ask this. Does your wife know you went to the lawyer?

Why does the other man's wife not know yet?

Do you fear your wife's anger or reaction? From here, no offense intended (remember, I was in your shoes and know how this all feels), it feels like you are on egg shells kind of with your wife and still very protective of her feelings.

You are losing time.

Yes, she is forgivable, but not in her current state of mind. Her current state of mind if very dismissive of you and your kids, but it is because she is very confused and stuck. To have some empathy for her, she is stuck between two people she loves. So she is straddling the fence.

In order to so this, she has to tell herself all kinds of lies, so you should not trust her, as she cannot even trust herself.

You need to knock her off the fence. Start to tell people, in a kind way -- not with vengeance. They have bought rings. They are sexually active. They are planning their lives happily ever after in their fantasy land.

Make it real. Let the other guys wife know ASAP. Let her parents know that you have appreciated being their son-in-law and you will always care for them, and plan to be the best ex-son in law you can. Tell friends.

It was good to protect secrecy of the affair early on, because you hoped it would be just a bad memory by now. It is not. Its continuing to get deeper and deeper. Thus, it is time to shine some light on it.

When you tell the OM's wife, 1 of 2 things will happen:

1- most probable outcome based on the infidelity stats, are that he will re-commit to his marriage and throw your wife under the bus. This will cause her a lot of pain, but will be the first major thing to occur that will break her out of the affair fog. Once this happens, you have some hope that she wills start to soul search and fix what she broke. If she does, you will see that she can turn back into a person a person that can be forgiven and trusted again.

2- He will leave his wife or get kicked out, he will give your wife a ring, and they will move the relationship from a secret affair and to real life. This sounds like a negative. Shit man, the negative has already happened, though. This is a positive, as fantasy land disappears over night, and reality sets in. This scenario can drive her back to you even quicker than getting thrown under the bus in number 1 above.

Last thing. There is hope for a future with your wife, but you will have to give up the hope of going back to a time when this never happened! It has happened and it is a shitty reality.

You are going forward with our without her.

Take the next steps and see is you can take come control back and help speed up the process!

Peace!

Thanks goingtobeok, you always give sound advice...

I did not tell the cheating guy and the cheating guy's wife yet is because I have my own little retail store, and work 10 to 12hours day, 6 days a week. Should the worst case scenario to happen, I am fearing if I expose the infidelity and we file for divorce, I will lose custody of my beautiful kids. At this point, I only worry about losing my kids. I have hired extra help to free myself up, but is not coming until mid-january.

She is trying to please me, like showing me pictures she took of the kids but at the same time she is still connecting with the cheating guy. They told each other they'll wait 15 years for each other (presumably wait til the kids are older, then they'll get married). She declared twice on emails "I love you" and "that's not going to change" to him. Just last week, she gave me her password for her hotmail (when in fact, she's using gmail for infidelity), I asked her did she has any other emails and she said NO. After over a year, she is still trying to hide this and lie to me.... I don't know how can I get pass this??

Goingtobeok, are u still with your cheated spouse, if so, how did you handle getting pass the painful memories?

Just to clarify, there is a difference between dealing with the painful memories and dealing with current lying and cheating continuing. The later is creating more painful memories, feeding the continuing pain, and making it hard to "get over" the painful memories.

Essentially, most of us will go through five stages of grieving over a loss. The pain of discovering your spouse is cheating and lying to you is a loss. Here's an article I wrote on the process you may find helpful:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869850

But going through that grieving will only happen when it is in the past, not a continuing reality in the present. For me, it helped to know that my wife had stopped, was doing all she could to rectify the situation, and I began to feel the future may not be so bleak as I had feared, then it was easier to go through the grieving over what I'd lost until I came to the point of acceptance. But you'll not get there as long as it is ongoing.

And of course, if you do divorce, you'll have to deal with the grief of that loss as well. A lot of pain to deal with, yes. And there are no short cuts. I feel for you. This is every BS's nightmare, that it doesn't stop. And personally, unless she does a complete turn around on this, I don't see much hope for your marriage. Not unless something like what goingtobeok was talking about can shake her out of her fantasy. And for you, even that may be too late.

Yes, I am still with my wife. I am over 2 years post initial D-day and coming up on a year since the affair really ended. Time and their genuine acts towards rebuilding are what help the painful memories, that and building more and more new good memories.

The great times out number the average times, and the shitty times have become rarer and rarer. However, we are not out of the woods yet.

You know what was my most powerful act? It was withdrawing from her and doing my own 180 behavior. Saying, he is out of our relationship, or I am out of yours and then going to see an attorney was the tipping point.

Why would you lose custody of your kids? Would you not get joint custody?

Is joint custody and an ex wife better than full custody and a woman who lies to your face and who you share sexually with a neighbor?

Is she still sexually active with you? Or are you cut off?

I get the fear and trepidation. I had it. I was patient, too patient. However, what turned the corner for me, was my taking my power -- which was to turn away from the relationship and away from the cake eating, and towards myself.

Do you have son's or daughter's? Do this mental exercise. Jump in a time machine. Your son or daughter is calling you and telling you their wife or husband is declaring their love for a man down the road, a common person that come around their house. You see the writing on the wall, with their pledging to be together in 15 years, etc. What do you tell your son or daughter to do?

Also, this we will be together in 15 years because we are destined to is bullshit. Its happy feel good lets pretend we are special bull shit to keep the affair juices flowing. It is a helium balloon full of fantasy bullshit. Pop the balloon and watch how fast that helium spews out.

Call the OM's wife -- bring the content of some of those texts to her, and tell her my wife and your husband are planning to leave us both and spend their golden years together. I am sorry, but here is the proof. I am talking with an attorney, and while I hope for the best, I am planning for the worse. If you have other questions, or needs any more information, let me know. I wish you the best, and I hope you understand the deep anger I have for your husband, as I am sure you will have for my wife.

Then pop some popcorn and watch the turns your life will take.

I wouldn't trust her. It sounds to me,more than an emotional affair. Anytime there are rings involved along with two adults, sex is involved. Sorry for this. I really hate to see someone being abused and given false hope. The only other thing I can think of is that he became obsessed with her and is delusional enough to buy rings. I hope that's what it is.
She doesn't sound like she is being forthright. She should be disclosing everything,no matter what you ask for. You do own the right to check up on her anytime you want to.
Print all documents and check on bank accounts,ect.
I will never understand what is wrong with people who have descent partners and just screw them over.