My wife went for appearances sake , she never came clean

I believe there are success stories

Depends. I'd need more info.

What kind of info do you need?

Could be either one really. Only time and actions will tell.

L~

L has it right, time and actions will tell the story. they may start with all good intentions only to find it is not worth it, maybe they attened just for appearances and then understand the hurt and pain.

Yes, either.

Some really mean it and some do it just to pacify you so you don't leave. Like the others said you will know when you start going. My husband admitted that at first he would have done anything to keep me so that is why he went. After the first 2-3 times (once we got past my anger) he said he really didn't think it would help and it seem to make things worse but he started to see the benefits of going and even went to individual counseling.

If he starts saying it was stupid, a waste of time, avoiding appointments and coming up with excuses of why he can't make it, etc then he is probably doing it to get you off his back and so you can't say, "well you didn't even want to go to counseling". But counseling is not a cure all. If he doesn't want to be there and do things to make the marriage work, yeah it is a waste of time. Either way you have you answer. And some even do what needs to be done but counseling is not going to stop a cheater who still wants to cheat. He will just tell is other woman that he is doing counseling especially if she doesn't want to leave her mate either. They will do anything to keep their little secret and hold on to what they have outside the marriage. Cheaters on the, same page, work together VERY well.

Oh and don't expect him to come clean. Mine didn't come clean either (well, at least I say he didn't and since the trust his broken...how do you prove otherwise? he can't).

He owned up to everything, he didn't blame me for anything but he still wouldn't say much about the affair other than he did it but it was not deep as I thought it was.

I am a newbie and don't have much to offer AT ALL to these threads, since my husband (in just late April) admitted to me -out of the blue -that he had had an affair. I'm at a loss and all too often adrift with my own anger and healing to even imagine I could possibly be "of help" to anyone. But I feel I can address this question.

While in the beginning stages of his affair, we did start couples counseling a big fight and lots of tension about an unplanned pregnancy (mine) "inspired" him to make an appointment. It was the first time in our (then) 8 year relationship that I had mentioned divorce. It scared the shit out of him - apparently. He says that he never wanted his affair to end our relationship - but thought that if we went to counseling he could be justified in his affair. He has told me that he believed that the therapist would hear from us and tell us that our relationship was completely over - that we had the "MAJOR" problems he felt were the reason that he had started fucking his ego stroking whore. Instead, he learned stupid ass that our problems were very common and that they were easily resolved with better and improved communication, which we both started working toward. He learned that a lot of our marital issues were of his making (lack of empathy, emotional immaturity, childhood trust issues etc) - and that he was as responsible for our relationship as I was. After just 2 sessions with our therapist, he tried to withdraw & end his relationship from his (turned out to be) bunny-boiler AP. She then began blackmailing him. "You don't get to just leave me - I'll get you fired, brought up on charges, tell your wife, etc". And he (weak, cowardly stupid ass) kept trying to keep crazy at bay (so that he wouldn't be outed) while trying to extricate himself... After 18 months - the last 13 of which were non-sexual save 1 encounter - and our post-counseling relationship, he felt I deserved to know what he had done.

I will forever be in debt to our couples therapist (before we moved out of state, we saw her weekly from Nov. 2012 thru June 2013) - whichever way our future turns - because she provided me relationship tools that I didn't have prior and gave him the tools and insight into his own behavior that he NEVER would have come to on his own. Even in my darkest post D-Day days when I find myself wishing that he had never told me? (crazy, right) I KNOW (and he knows) I deserved the truth. Don't we all deserve actual truth so that we can make our own informed decisions about our lives? She gave that to me, even if it took him 10 months after our sessions with her ended to "get it."

He never told our therapist about his affair - in fact, during our sessions I found evidence and he lied HIS ASS OFF to her and me in a session to escape coming clean. But (eventually) the tools she gave me and the insight she gave him made him see me for who I actually was again (his words) and he was able to see our relationship for what it could have been - had he not started (stupidly, arrogantly, immaturely) fucking a crazy lunatic. And so he admitted what he had done out of the blue - even when he was "in the clear."

His admittance is THE ONLY thing that gives me any sort of respect for him - respect being the only thing that you could possibly start rebuilding on - and his admittance would NEVER have come about without counseling. Is any of that enough for me to actually try to forgive him and move on? I don't know yet. But, I will say that whatever the reason or his motivation? GO TO THERAPY WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

If it fails, if his heart isn't into it, at least you tried. Maybe he'll hear something that gets him thinking about something in a different way than he was able to before. We all need to grow. Therapists can do that.

good luck :)