Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello,
A little back ground on me. I was married for 7 years to someone who cheated on me a lot. say 30+ times all different people. so after years of therapy and counseling I decided I didn't want anymore of it so I left. fast forward about a year afterwards I met someone at my job and we fell hard in love. I mean hard like the kinda love that makes you feel like you got hit by a semi truck. Little Issue, she has a long term boyfriend that she lives with. So that's when I became what I hated most, the other man. We snuck around for a couple months, then she decided she no longer wanted to be with him but with me. She left him and about 5-6 months later we moved in together. Everything was great the first year in, I believed she had just found a better man and that's why she cheated on him. It wasn't just sex it was love. and that brings me to what happened two weeks ago. I started to notice different behaviors and suspicious phone and internet activity. I noticed she was chatting with someone while laying in bed with me at 2am. Because of my past experience I'm like a damn private investigator and knew how to find out what I wanted to find out. I discovered she was using Facebook to have long interpersonal conversations with a guy she had met. She met him while she was studying at her friends house for school. However; I also learned that they were not studying they were in fact drinking. I discovered this while reading the messages. There was no overt sexual discussions but did appear to be two people learning about each others hopes, dreams, fears and desires. With no mention of me of course. I brought this to her attention and she claimed it was innocent however she did accept that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I told her that because of my past I'm very sensitive to this and it has violated my trust in her. She also stated she didn't trust me because I was able to violate her privacy instead of coming to her about the issue. We decided to work on trusting each other more. Just the other day I was working on my motorcycle because she decided that she needed to go to work on her day off to pick up some hours. We talked and she stated that she needed to work as much as she can due to looming tuition payments. she stated after she got to work she may leave at 3p but she wanted to stay till 7p. When I finished fixing my motorcycle I decided to go to the store for a test ride. While there I purchased a bag of gummie bears for her, it's her favorite. I decided to drop them off at her work so she could snack on them. I walked in and attempted to find her but no one could locate her. I was them informed that she had left by her own choice (1:30pm) even tho they wanted her to stay later. As I'm walking out I start to have a panic attack. All kind of old feelings and insecurities came rushing back. I attempted to contact her but it kept going to voice mail. approx 7 try's later she picks up. I inquire where she is at and she states shes at her friends apartment complex (the one she was partying at) to get info about a possible apartment since our lease is coming due. I flipped my shit but kept my cool. I told her that if she says she's somewhere she needs to be there or let me know of the change. I told her we need time apart and that she needs to spend the week at her parents till we can decide if this relationship is worth saving. That is where I am at right now. I know how it looks, I know i'm not the exception to the rule. I know past issue = future issues. I've done it and have multiple shirts showing my stay. I love her so much to where it hurts and I'm so afraid. cannot sleep for more then a few hours before the nightmares start. Food doesn't taste the same I've dropped 15lbs already. When I can eat it's not much since I feel like there is a blender inside me. Everyone I know who knows us and the situation except one person. says the same she did it with you she'll do it to you. They all says I'm better off but it doesn't feel better. It helped to write this out, please be gentle with the responses the wound is still open.
A little back ground on me. I was married for 7 years to someone who cheated on me a lot. say 30+ times all different people. so after years of therapy and counseling I decided I didn't want anymore of it so I left. fast forward about a year afterwards I met someone at my job and we fell hard in love. I mean hard like the kinda love that makes you feel like you got hit by a semi truck. Little Issue, she has a long term boyfriend that she lives with. So that's when I became what I hated most, the other man. We snuck around for a couple months, then she decided she no longer wanted to be with him but with me. She left him and about 5-6 months later we moved in together. Everything was great the first year in, I believed she had just found a better man and that's why she cheated on him. It wasn't just sex it was love. and that brings me to what happened two weeks ago. I started to notice different behaviors and suspicious phone and internet activity. I noticed she was chatting with someone while laying in bed with me at 2am. Because of my past experience I'm like a damn private investigator and knew how to find out what I wanted to find out. I discovered she was using Facebook to have long interpersonal conversations with a guy she had met. She met him while she was studying at her friends house for school. However; I also learned that they were not studying they were in fact drinking. I discovered this while reading the messages. There was no overt sexual discussions but did appear to be two people learning about each others hopes, dreams, fears and desires. With no mention of me of course. I brought this to her attention and she claimed it was innocent however she did accept that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I told her that because of my past I'm very sensitive to this and it has violated my trust in her. She also stated she didn't trust me because I was able to violate her privacy instead of coming to her about the issue. We decided to work on trusting each other more. Just the other day I was working on my motorcycle because she decided that she needed to go to work on her day off to pick up some hours. We talked and she stated that she needed to work as much as she can due to looming tuition payments. she stated after she got to work she may leave at 3p but she wanted to stay till 7p. When I finished fixing my motorcycle I decided to go to the store for a test ride. While there I purchased a bag of gummie bears for her, it's her favorite. I decided to drop them off at her work so she could snack on them. I walked in and attempted to find her but no one could locate her. I was them informed that she had left by her own choice (1:30pm) even tho they wanted her to stay later. As I'm walking out I start to have a panic attack. All kind of old feelings and insecurities came rushing back. I attempted to contact her but it kept going to voice mail. approx 7 try's later she picks up. I inquire where she is at and she states shes at her friends apartment complex (the one she was partying at) to get info about a possible apartment since our lease is coming due. I flipped my shit but kept my cool. I told her that if she says she's somewhere she needs to be there or let me know of the change. I told her we need time apart and that she needs to spend the week at her parents till we can decide if this relationship is worth saving. That is where I am at right now. I know how it looks, I know i'm not the exception to the rule. I know past issue = future issues. I've done it and have multiple shirts showing my stay. I love her so much to where it hurts and I'm so afraid. cannot sleep for more then a few hours before the nightmares start. Food doesn't taste the same I've dropped 15lbs already. When I can eat it's not much since I feel like there is a blender inside me. Everyone I know who knows us and the situation except one person. says the same she did it with you she'll do it to you. They all says I'm better off but it doesn't feel better. It helped to write this out, please be gentle with the responses the wound is still open.
Batten down the hatches, prepare yourself. Be kind to yourself - but don't be a an idiot. It can take time to detach from one you love - so take the time - start the process now. Work towards walking away.
that is not a mean statement, it does describe two people doing mean things
accept that, own that, forgive yourself for that and work on doing the right thing even when you don't want to
When you write, "She also stated she didn't trust me because I was able to violate her privacy instead of coming to her about the issue", is classic cheater blame-shifting, and mind-manipulating behaviour.
That statement makes no sense, how could you have come to her if you didn't snoop to find out what was going on, especially with your past experience. You had every right to P.I. her activity, yet she attempts to make you feel like you were doing something wrong; textbook cheater behaviour.
And when you say, "...she claimed it was innocent, however she did accept that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to me", is telltale of her character, she knew it was disrespectful and inappropriate, yet she still went ahead with it, how wicked.
Time heals all, and your deep love will quickly turn when you fully recognize how manipulative she has been, to her past longterm boyfriend, and now to you. I don't think you'll be able to trust her again, and in your weakened emotional state, she will attempt to manipulate you and make you believe things so that she can have her cake and eat it too.
People of her character don't learn from their lessons the way you or I would, the lesson they learn is to be more careful next time so they don't get caught as easily.
You are young and vibrant, and deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, and wants to be only with you. Your triggers will completely dissipate once she's out of your life, food will taste good again, sleep will come easier, and after a period of time to heal, all will be well again, and you'll be right as rain.
I wish you well.
I would have been worried that she never mentioned you in the emails to the other guy. Hopes and dreams and you didn't feature?
Save yourself further heartache, because you know what she's capable of. Cheating for a few months.
You two moved in together without knowing each other that well too in my opinion.
The problem here is you can't claim to have great morals anymore. Don't lower your standards and take a step back. Is she really that great of a catch?
The past few days have been a real hell for me. I was on my motorcycle trying to clear my head, I couldn't stop crying and didn't see the uneven pavement ahead. I came very close to hitting the guard rail at 80mph. I thought about a lot of things on the side of that interstate that night. I got home and couldn't stop sobbing. she hadn't talked to me since I asked her to leave. The fear of not knowing the outcome was unbearable. I called her and begged her to come over and talk. She did, and after a very long conversation about our past relationships, how we came into our relationship and what we both want for ourselves and each other in the future. We decide to break it off, For the both of us. She's finishing school and working on going to therapy for her issues. I just got notified I was selected to a team at my company that pays very well but requires me to leave the country for months at a time. While I'm away I'm going to work on me and not have any relationships for awhile. I don't need to bring my distrust and unhealthy behaviors to any future relationships. We will remain friends since she is my best friend and I'm hers. Things have already started to get better. I slept more today, ate a full meal without feeling like I was getting sick. The pains in my stomach has mostly subsided. It was mutual understanding of our problems and what the other person expects from each other. Maybe one day we will be able to try this again. But for now we need to be separate. I still love her dearly, always will. I know she feels the same.
She has been in a new relationship for about a month now. Jumped right in, she has all new friends and discarded common friends with me. Looked up narcissism, She fits the bill almost to the letter.
I'm doing good. currently seeing a few women but not wanting a relationship anytime soon. I myself am not ready for a girlfriend because of what happened. Still miss her tho I have my moments. realized the relationship wasn't real, she was using me for supply her ego and self-esteem. As soon as I refused to play the game, I was cut from the team. Which is fine.
I met up with her to return items, she made a comment on how good I looked (lost a lot of weight and been working out) made a statement that there maybe some physical relationship in the future. I dodged a huge bullet with her, she's thinking of trying to cheat on her new man with her old one. she is not a good person, I feel bad for her. I pity her.