I wrote a response to someone in a group - my observations on why at least some women may cheat - mine STBX in particular. These are my thoughts and findings.

I thought it actually might be helpful to others - please comment if you can add to it if you wish.

Thanks
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You and I are actually married to the same beast of a person almost to a T.

Here's how it/they work.

First things to know. She has no idea how to handle her depression and all of this is the depression talking.

Depression hits people in many ways mainly for men we start to worry more, do we remember to turn this off, did we remember to do that, we become way more careful we become almost paranoid in a way double checking everything.

For women they start to look at only the negative things in their lives (they havent done this with their career, they havent achieved that) not one thing is positive and they dont take responsibility for anything so they then start to look for who is responsible for their unhappiness and the first man around them they will dump it all on YOU.

All their self hating is now dumped onto you. She actually cant help it. Just as with a man that you tell him you locked the door and took a picture of the door being locked and the house and all is safe and secure their brains just shot negative thoughts over and over again even in the face of reality. That everything is ok.

Its actually not her fault either its her brain.


Also, what is happening is that you are probably a very good parent to your girls you are probably much better of a parent that she is which is the one thing that she is actually suppose to fall back on if all goes wrong because she is the mother.

Shes a mother and she has failed at that as well and probably failed at that compared to.. YOU so now full blame is targeting YOU for everything. Welcome to crazytown.

She doesnt have the best motherly instincts and everyday she probably wakes up to her failures and then looks around for someone to blame and that someone is YOU. Again know who you are fighting and its her brain not her soul. Her negitive brain. The women you married is trapped deep down in there somewhere. If you ever want to see a movie of what this actually looks like see the move Robin Williams What dreams may come That is actually what you are going through in real life.

She will get better but that takes about 2 years for her to outgrow her depression in the meantime she will destroy EVERYTHING like a bull in a china shop.

What can you do? She is broken (we both married a broken person) so she is going to go out and do stupid some people do drugs some people just go nutty and have to be checked into a mental hospital and some people have an affair to get their highs and lows and to self medicate. To get projected back to them that they are super ok and awesome when in actuality they are far from it and they know that but right now they want to run from themselves and their internal problems and you.

Some people face there situation for what it is and get help get on medication. She is not taking responsibility for what she is going through and trying to blame you for her issues.

Remove yourself from her cross hairs and give her what she wants your so terrible she wants to blame you for her reflection (this is actually how you should talk to her)
Become a Jedi Knight
like a freakin jedi knight. Have a meaning inside a meaning inside a meaning so she has to think about what the heck you actually said and cant react to it right away and start yelling at you.
Talk about how the whole world now can see her for who she really is an audience to herself and that you feel sad for her.

When she starts to yell or text just say I feel sad for you and that you hope she finds happiness within herself you hope her definition of happiness aligns with what normal people find happy.

Her head will spin trying to figure out then what is my definition of happiness? What you say should be deep.

When you get bored you can come up with little short sayings and write them down cause you dont want to get into it with her say some jedi things then walk away from her. Get the last word in and move. Get the last text it then move dont react to a thing she writes or says have what you want to say and stick and move. If she text you dont respond right away think it through take your time and keep it simple and dont have anyway she can respond back to you.

Again -
You are fighting negative brain her brain Not her soul --- her soul is somewhere down there in the depths of hell right now.

Keep me up to date.