thank you for sharing!

first, LOVE chump lady! she has some very good insights, i could (and have) read her website for hours. because, like it or not, there are many times that reconciliation should not even be attempted, some situations are NOT salvageable, many (if not most) wayward spouses do not deserve you hanging in there after THEY betray you.. she has a counter point for every "pro reconciliation" point there is out there, and i for one find it extremely helpful to read both viewpoints, pro and con, to better understand my particular situation, if for no other reason than to see when it is, and when it isn't, worth trying any longer. very helpful in decision making to weigh both perspectives equally.

secondly, GREAT article! there is always a risk someone new might hurt us down the road. but, staying with someone who has already cheated doesnt prevent us from being cheated on again. unfortunately, it is often the case that the original wayward spouse either continues cheating and just gets better at hiding it, or that they will cheat again down the road, after we've invested even more into them. not everyone cheats. but your WS did/does. cheating is about the cheater, about who they are inside, NOT about you. so giving someone else a chance, someone who has not cheated, makes a lot of sense for many. and being "alone" is empowering for many, i for one would rather be "alone" for now than to live in the hell of sharing my life everyday with someone who's already betrayed me in my worst imaginable way. i feel free, i don't have to play detective, i don't have to police the actions of someone who was SUPPOSED to love and respect me. healing and moving on can help you to realize red flags you may have ignored with the CS, realizing patterns you don't want to repeat w someone new, learning your own value and knowing, before getting into another relationship, what you will not settle for in the future. i love her food poisoning analogy!

everyone's situation is different, that's true. so while some do have successful reconciliations, many do not. and that is a fact that every betrayed spouse deserves to know. and as she points out, for many trying to reconcile, they are really just living in limbo.

GREAT article, thanks again for sharing!
(((hugs)))

Reconcile with a cheater for the right reasons, I believe there are some. Fear is not a reason to reconcile. If the other party , the cheater, is use ing that fear then they are one sick monster to definitely get away from

There are situations it is worth rebuilding and those where it is best to cut your losses.

I would say that if a CS isn't doing what they should, the BS, after a reasonable amount of time, is better of in general going it alone. Whether one hooks up with a new mate is a different question and shouldn't really factor in to a decision to divorce or not.

I think there is also a difference between expectations and admitting to reality. Yes, one should expect their spouse to hold to their end of the marriage vows, but the reality is over 50% of marriages experience it and no one is immune to temptations. Returning to blind trust isn't usually an option for a BS with their CS or any future mate. Violation of boundaries and gut feelings are not as likely to be ignored.

But true you can't always predict if a potential spouse will cheat or not, and that fear is not a good bases for staying or refusing to marry again.

Well, I can say this. Once in my life, long, long ago, I confronted exactly this situation. I came to realize that to stay with my lying, sneaky spouse, was a sure fire way to live a miserable life. And, that I had no chance whatsoever of living a happy life. But, to leave, whether to remain alone, or seek other companionship, was to have "some" chance. I divorced him. And, I've never made a better decision in my life. Fast forward thirty-eight years. He's still a cheater. He's still a liar. He has accomplished "many" relationship destructions. He is alone. He is miserable. And, he still continues to live the same way.

I had a far better life than that. Though, I am confronting some of the same, but a far less traumatizing level. And, likely, my current husband is creating those same feelings for me. Which, most likely means, I'll be making a good decision again soon.

Thanks for sharing the article!

Really, I think society has crammed it down our throats that cheating is just acceptable in today's norms or something. ''well, this happens and all.' Like, it's meant to lower everyone's standards on what marriage should be and can be.

Sure, it's true that the next one could cheat on me. Anything is possible. Will I accept it then? Not a chance. Will I look the other way? Nope.

As the others have said, reconcile and rebuild out of love and commitment to your marriage, but don't stay out of fear of what is out there....

...cuz if you can make it thru this, you can handle anything.

L~

happymama2j and lstecker- I was happy to share the article! Absolutely love the chumplady. She is one of the few voices of infidelity that doesn't buy into the typical "Reconciliation Industrial Complex" speak. This common notion that we should be scared to trust anyone else, should we decide to leave the cheater is really just nonsense and is a comparison between fruit and suspension bridges-it's that different.

The funny thing is if you apply that same logic to anything else you can see how absurd it is which she points out in the article with her restaurant example.

I am in a relationship again and I trust the man I'm with and I will until he gives me a reason not to.I don't police his actions and he doesn't police mine. It feels nice to be able to trust someone like that again and I really believe it's the only way you can get to true intimacy. Could he do the same thing? Sure. Even though I've worked on my "picker" in IC it doesn't guarantee anything. I'm not guaranteed my next breath though and that doesn't stop me from living.