Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

8 months

leilani4
leilani4

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (2 years married). We started dating when I was 15 years old and when I turned 16 I got pregnant and had our amazing little son...a few years ago our son was diagnosed with Autism which was super life changing but he’s such a bright little kid and amazes me each day I consider myself blessed to have him no matter what diagnoses. One month ago my husband came home and told me he had an affair and if that wasn’t enough it was with a co worker and had lasted 8 months long. I was devastated I packed a bag for me and my son and left for my sisters house. I’ve been with my husband for so long and love and care about him so much I ended up coming home that same night because he was so distraught,  emotional and very depressed I feared he would make a stupid decision. I left my 8 year old with my sister for a sleepover with his cousins that night. I sat down with him while he talked to me and explained everything that had happened. I found out not only was he having an affair with a co worker but this co workers husband actually works for the same company! Im completely heart broken I’m also trying to figure out how to help my husband who’s an absolute mess. My husband is a market manager for a company and makes the majority of our income while I’m a part time preschool teacher assistant so I can be home with our son after school. My husband provides mainly for us and provides my son with his Speech therapy and Occupational therapy and everything that he needs to help him with his autism. So I’m trying to process everything going on and on top of that I’m trying to think of the bigger picture of it all. I ended up talking to the wife and husband everybody wanted to keep this out of work because that could cause issues for everyone which is not needed. The wife put in her two weeks and left the company but eventually my husbands boss found out and he was talked to about and pretty much is on thin ice for his job. During this last month I’ve put my feelings aside and have stayed home and tried to be a supportive wife and kept daily routine for my son which is so important for him and each day I am becoming so numb. I have no time to work thru my emotions because I gotta be there for my son and my husband. I only told my sisters about this affair I didn’t want it getting out and people thinking of my husband in a certain way or even me. I’m 25 years old and picked up the phone to call my mom so many times but can’t do it I’m scared of what she will do or say to my husband. I’m afraid if I don’t work they my emotions one day I’m gonna resent my husband. He has been trying hard and putting tons of effort into our relationship and his work but ultimately he is a very emotional guy and plays the victim quite a bit. I’m not sure if anyone’s gonna read this all or if it even makes sense I just know that I need to write this and talk about it before it all consumes me and I have a breakdown. Every damn day I keep picturing the choices he made for those 8 months and I don’t know how to forgive or even forget about it. I never knew one person could feel so many different emotions in such a short period of time. If anybody does read this post and advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated!

KEH
KEH
The devastation is all-consuming isn't it? I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. There are so many moving pieces when an affair is exposed. Kids, house, spouses well-being. The emotions you are feeling need to be let out. It's good that you're here now. I feel what you feel, at a complete loss. I found out about my husband's 6-month affair in late October. It was with his PTSD counselor. What a gut punch. Since then I've grown numb. The only thing that keeps me going are my three kids. Reaching out for any kind of support FOR YOURSELF is so important. You can't do it alone or keep it in. You'll implode. I don't have any profound advise to give since I'm still seething. But take care of yourself. You've taken care of everyone else. YOU MATTER.
You can pm me if you want to talk.
Take care.
Magola
Magola
Yes yes, take care of yourself! From everything I've seen, cheaters really try to flip the script whether they are blame shifting or seeking sympathy. It's really difficult that you're feeling in a position to take care of his mental health. My husband is no different. When I found out, I passed his mental health off to his friends and family. I was proactive but also protective of my own mental health. I also know it's really hard to step back and say, I need to take care of myself, not you at the moment. I'm with KEH, in that I'm only 2 months in, so that pain is still so raw. It seems like you're afraid of your financial situation, which I totally understand. If he's a good provider now, he would still provide for your child in a different scenario. It's soul crushing, it really is, and I hope you find some peace. I'm going to say it first because otherwise it will come shortly behind. My comment....get tested for STD's and seek counseling for yourself. Good luck to you.
forwardmotion
forwardmotion
I would say that you don't about your husband's feelings. He's pretty good at sorting them out himself it seems, however not particularly in a healthy way.

Don't be codependent in terms of worrying about the person who betrayed you. He may play the victim to play possum and reduce the guilt and fallout he has earned.

He should be spending his energy helping you heal and you should be owning up to his faults, not feeling sorry for himself.

Thank goodness that alimony and child support exists in this case as if he doesn't repent and keeps blaming circumstances or you HIS decisions.

He is a man with poor character and is weak. It's hard for someone like that to change given he can't even man up and admit his poor decisions.
Indisbelief
Indisbelief
I wish you the best of luck, you are very strong for coming her, I too recently stumbled upon these forums and they are helpful in every way no matter what the end outcome for you is. Take every response as a good response, someone's always out there listening and want so to try to help!!!
heartache5
heartache5
So sorry for what ur going through, this is so traumatic. I can understand ur initial worry about ur husband, Mine too was very messed up after D-day and our arguments, I too thought he was going to kill himself, However once my boyfriend was not a self hurting risk anymore it was my time. I yelled, cried, screamed, everything you still need to do by the sound of it. Your husband is scared of that reaction and keep trying to play victim with you nursing him, that's not ok. He was a big boy when he decided to cheat, he has to be a big boy now.
It is so so important to take care of YOU right now. don't worry about him anymore. If hes anything like my boyfriend than he is extremely ashamed and sick of himself, however not a victum at any point and if he's threatening self-hurt or has dep[ression, he needs to see a dr asap, Don't take care of him any longer, you sent the wrong message. Also This is juts not going to work in the long run, you are building up all ur pain and anger inside you, pain will be transferred if not processed, transferred onto the people you love.
You sound like a wonderfull responsible person and mom. take care of you and your son. don't worry about his job, he didn't worry about that when he cheated, he didn't worry about the effects on you or his son, he didn't for a moment worry about loosing his job and not being able to provide the care for your son while he cheated. I don't say hes a horrible man, he made very poor choices which were only in his own best interest, not in urs and not in your sons interest. This is standard cheater behaviour.
Its good hes working hard to fix things, however right now he needs to support you through ur stages of recovery if you stay together. not the other way around. You cant skip any of the stages its a process we all have to go through.
Take care of you, for your sons sake, he needs his mom being strong and stable, not broken down and depressed because she pushed her selfworth and feelings away.
Also don't be scared of ur moms reaction. she loves you, she will support you, maybe she's mad at first at him, but who cares, you are too. if you decide to continue with him she will support you. don't worry. Its so important to confide in 1 or 2 close people just to talk talk talk.
Get individual counseling for both of you. take time to do something for you, girlsmnight, spaday, shopping with ur sister, anything to make you feel better and start spending time once your son is in bed to talk about what happened and UR feelings, not only his.
Good luck, hugs, we are here to bring some support, we're all in the same boat
calirn13
calirn13
You are the victim. He needs to figure out how not to sleep with other people. You need to get into counseling. You can’t fix your husband. You need to talk to someone. I had a son that was sick when he was 2 yrs old. I didn’t realize how consuming it was. Basically all my energy was poured into my son. I had nothing left for anyone else. You would think that they would understand... no CS are selfish. They don’t care about anyone but themselves.
refurb
refurb
the sooner you divorce - the better for your son,
your husband cares more about his penis than he does about his sons welfare,
he's proven that

if you stay, your husbands extreme selfishness will manifest itself in other ways, it will suck the life out of you, your son will sense it...NOT good for your son