My stbx has a history of cheating, if I knew now what I didn't know then, well, I wish I wouldn't have stayed. I've given him 20 years of my life....he threw it away for another woman yet again.

Well, I've got two great kids from it....so not a total bust:)

I stayed the first, second and third time because I was afraid. I didn't admit that to myself then, but I recognize it now.

Fear was a deciding factor to stay. Also, I loved him, still do in many ways. Not enough to take him back though....lol!

I would remember all the good things about him, all the things that brought a smile to my face. Mostly it was the fear of the unknown. He wasn't even remorseful when the last affair ended by me catching them together. She would not see him after that....I guess it got real for her at that point. But he mourned the loss of the relationship. I didn't admit that to myself then, but I have to now.

I've got to love me, more than I'm afraid. I've got to love my kids more than I'm afraid. They discovered this affair and came to me. I wanted to show them that this type of behavior is not OK in a marriage. It not acceptable. That it won't be tolerated. Mostly I wanted them to see that I know my own worth.

In your case, it happen 2 years ago. You believe that it's over now. They aren't seeing each other anymore. If you are going to stay with him anyway, maybe just leave it alone. Don't say anything. If a decision to stay has already been made then why even bring it back to the forefront of your lives? It will just cause you both a lot of pain, anger, frustration, etc.

I never trusted him with the same level of trust after the first affair. I don't even think its possible. If you feel he's not seeing her anymore. That he's committed to your relationship. Once enough time has passed you will learn to trust again. It just takes a lot of time.

Have you thought about some individual counseling? It may help you put this behind you and move on. It may also help you determine why you are staying.

I'm so sorry you are hurting this way. I know exactly what your feeling and it's horrible to live with.....you will move pass it though, you'll begin to trust again.

Choosing to stay is not easy but full disclosure is extremely important for rebuilding to be successful.

I spent years knowing in my gut but meeting with denial and lost all hope for an honest answer. There was no rebuild during those years, only existence.

If you can't confront him and get him to remorsefully admit the truth, then there are some serious issues that will likely not be fixed.

Rebuilding is possible, even in the most craziest situations (mine is a good example) but there can't be secrets and fear of confrontation.

If you still have access to his account block her and he won't even notice!

Even though it was a couple of years ago it'll be fresh for you.

It's going to take time to trust again. I am almost a year out and not there myself!

Please take care!!

Thanks for your comments. I guess I don't really believe that is over between them or I never would have went to check to see if he answered her back when she messaged him a few weeks ago. She has been a throne in my side ever since we got together. She always seems to show up when things are going good. Every now and then there she is. It's like they can't stay away from each other. They had a bad relationship. She cheated on him the whole time they were together and maybe he did the same to her. I just don't know anymore. He seems to lie about everything. I have caught him in lies many times. I know I will never get full disclosure from him. I don't trust him and its hard to have a relationship when there is no trust. I don't have access to his account. He just left it opened when he left one day. I thought of blocking her but if she wanted to get a hold of him she would find another way. She even called my house one day and I answered the phone. He was sitting on the couch next to me and I just handed him the phone and let him deal with it. I know it was 2 years ago but I can't seem to let it go because she just keeps showing up. As far as I know she has another boyfriend now that she is living with but that wouldn't stop her. When her and my husband first met she was married and living with somebody else. I don't know..part of me tells me I am a fool for knowing and staying with him but I do love him. I never thought I would ever say that about somebody who cheated on me but it sure is different when you are living it. Maybe counselling would help clear my head.

I agree with counseling and also check out Dr. Kalish's Lostlovers.com to see if some of her research applied. My wife's affair was a ex too. These old unfinished business relationships from the past can be real powerful affairs.

I'm sorry you went through this.

One thing to think about though... you said you can't bring it up because you know he'll be upset that you went through his messages...

Well, he sure wasn't concerned about pissing you off when he cheated on you...

Which is worse, going through someone's FB messages or cheating? If he's willing to divorce you over the FB messages... well... that's just ridiculous... you had a right to know, to have all of the information so you could make an informed decision about whether you wanted to be with someone who would do things like that.

Plus, he needs to heal this if he wants to keep you as a wife. It'll be so hard for you to do it alone, without him helping you and being transparent and understanding what you need from him in order to rebuild trust.

I know 100% all of this is easier said than done... just providing some food for thought and some emotional reinforcement.

If he is upset over you going through his messages you need to quickly come back at that and stand up for yourself. Say you had this gnawing feeling forever and believed that he was lying, he left his facebook open and you just had to look and guess what you were RIGHT and he was lying so at this point you believe you were justified and you will not except any argument to the contrary. Further tell him that if he has any thought of staying with you his life is from this day forward and "open book" (as many, including me, feel a good relationship should be). My wife always knew my passwords and accounts for anything and there was no "accidentally" leaving anything open if it was open it was just because I didn't bother close it and didn't care. Of course I thought that was the same with her but never paid attention or tried to verify. While I do believe that monitoring each other in a normal relationship means, well that it isn't normal, but that is all gone out the window now post affair. If he is upset at you for looking call BS and tell him he is the person who did something wrong not you.

As for how you cope and how you handle it I could go on and on but I get too lengthy on here anyway and there are tons of posts on here about how some of us are doing it (or not doing it). Good luck.

Thanks everybody...I appreciate your comments. Well I am not so convinved it is over between them now. Last night his cell phone rang and he didn't answer it. I asked who it was and he said he didn't recognize the number and told me some random number. I asked if they left a message and he said no and put his phone on the dresser. I went to make coffee and when I came back he had his phone in his hand and put it away when he seen me. I was sure he was listening to a message but I said nothing. This morning when he was in the shower I checked his phone. The number he told me wasnt even the number that called. It was a number with her area code. so I decided to check his messages. He had one saved message so I listened to it and sure enough it was her voice. She just said a few words but I recognized her voice right away. When I asked him about it when he got out of the shower it was just more lies and excuses. So who really knows what he is doing when I am not around. She lives in another city now so I know they aren't physically together at this point but they aren't far enough away that they couldn't meet up while I'm at work and I wouldn't even know. I don't think I could ever trust him again. At this point I don't believe anything he says, even when he says he loves me..I have my doubts about that too. How can he possibly love me when he can't let her go? So another day sitting at my computer at work, crying...:(

I'm so sorry you're going through this... it's agony, isn't it? And everyone on the outside can look at your situation and just say "well leave the bum!" but once you're in the middle of it, it's so much more complicated and you feel like there are no right answers. It's so difficult when it's our heart on the line. People don't understand that we've loved this person and weren't ready for it to end... maybe if they just broke up with us (which would be the honorable thing to do, even if it's hard), it'd be easier because the line would be drawn. But if you weren't ready to draw it yourself, it's really hard to make that decision because you're still trying to hold on to the dream you had of that marriage and that person in your life. And in a way, maybe we're hoping that because they didn't break up with us, because they hesitated over that, that there's still some hope in them too? That this is just a nothing-fling and you're the one they really want.

But then you have to decide if that's good enough for you.

My husband did similar things - different situation, but I caught him doing questionable things on his phone and his computer. I confronted him and he would not confess. So I took steps to get the smoking gun. I installed All In One Keylogger on his computer. If he had an iPhone or an Android phone, I would install spy software on that too, but he doesn't, he has a crappy ancient Samsung. But that might be an option for you.

The keylogger revealed everything and I was able to confront him with the full knowledge of everything that was going on. If you are still scared of confronting him with the smoking gun you already have - the messages from 2011 - maybe you wouldn't if it were more recent, and you're justified in your suspicions.

If you hope to heal from this and keep your marriage, he has to help you heal.

It's a tough decision to make because you might be afraid he'll dump you and pick her. So you don't have to do it right away. Take your time. But think about this... he might still try to pick her anyways. Wouldn't you rather things end on your terms instead of his? If the ball is in your court, at least you can make your own plans. Think about your own life, work your way up to it. You'll find the strength to do what you need to do in your own situation.

Very well said anastasia, and yes from the outside looking in it is so easy to say LEAVE, two years ago I would have said that to anyone in such a situation, once you experience it, it is just not that easy.