That is completely understandable. I know you feel a lot of pain, but you do know what to do--if a cheating partner is not willing to talk to the betrayed to be TOTALLY honest and open, then the relationship really does not stand a chance. It takes a lot of cooperation and work by both parties for healing to take place.

I'm sorry that he won't give you the truth that you ask for
The truth that he made

To me, if a cheater won't be completely truthful in way they are still cheating , if their privacy or desire to protect the cheating partner is more important than the marriage

Well then the marriage is not so important to them

It then falls to you as to wether you want a semi remorseful cheater that is partially committed to the marriage

As one who has cheated and is now trying to rebuild his marriage, I can tell you that the road back is very long. The question is not whether he is prepared to reveal everything right now, but how much he is willing to reveal as time goes on. Perhaps he is still emotionally cheating by withholding information or perhaps he wants to come back but the details would be just too painful. If you think he is sincerely interested in you and the marriage then you need to both see a counselor and get help with this specific issue.

at the same time, don't be afraid to put the "divorce option" out there. Done rightly, it can be a powerful motivator to nudge things alone. Of course you should involve a counselor as you embark on this journey.

I resonate with Refurb in his reply #2.

Reply #3 and 4, your response is typical of a CS, and only serves to protect CS's and their lies.

When you say, "The question is not whether he is prepared to reveal everything right now, but how much he is willing to reveal as time goes on."

Having read JessicaLeighton's prior posts on this board, you would realize that she has spent a lot of time waiting. When it comes to a CS, your time is up upon discover day, end of. The weeks following D day, is the time you get to own up to what you've done.

And when you say, "Perhaps he is still emotionally cheating by withholding information or perhaps he wants to come back but the details would be just too painful."

Just who are these details that you speak of too painful for? What you're saying sounds typical of a cheater, who wants to be let back into the relationship, but isn't willing to divulge what they did, take the shame, own the infidelity, and do the things necessary for the BS to heal, restore trust, and reconcile the relationship on the BS's terms, not the CS's.

When a CS is ready to understand this, they are ready to start reconciliation. If they are not, it's time to let them go.

I'm sorry Jessica. It took my husband 6 months to tell me that he was having an affair. Then it took him another 3 months to tell me it was someone I knew.

Hang in there.

Far be it from me to defend a cheater (Sedgwick), but... It took my wife a LONG time to come clean. (Sadly, it took her so long that I had largely moved on by the time she came out of the fog). Of course, IDEALLY the cheating spouse would break everything off cleanly and put 110% of effort into repairing the marriage. But I think that's unrealistic, more often than not.

My wife gave up absolutely EVERYTHING good in her life for her affair partner. And now she is genuinely horrified by what she did to me, our children, our entire extended family, and our friends. Indeed, talking about it now is extremely painful for her, because she then has to reconcile who she was with who she is now; she feels intensely guilty and that guilt is often overwhelming for her. But it took her better than a year to get to this point.

That said, I also agree with Sarah, refurb, and Betrayed. Ultimately, the cheating spouse HAS to become transparent, open, and honest.

Betrayed's use of the word "waiting" is cautionary and resonates with me. Should we "wait" for our cheating spouse to come clean? I don't think so. We must work on ourselves. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Make the most of our own time, grow, and create our own new path towards happiness. If the CS comes back around, then so be it.

Hugs and best of luck to you, Jessica.

It doesn't sound like he wants to come clean. I don't blame you a bit. If he wants to save the relationship, he should be doing whatever it takes!

I go to a support group when I can...there are a few ladies in there that signed their husbands up for lie detector tests when they were getting what they felt to be "trickle truth." Interestingly enough, you can imagine the range of reactions from their spouses - some were open, and agreed, and followed through, which was tremendously helpful. A couple, of course, outright refused (which, although it sucks, helps you decide how much transparency you're getting), and others, more commonly, were the ones that agreed to the lie detector test, and suddenly remembered omissions in the elevator ride to the office for the test.

A true narsisist will fool a lie detector.

Your husband needs to realize the importance and of being open and honest with you in order to rebuild trust---i.e., this is a requirement. I am with you, if he is being uncooperative, and lying to you, it is time to leave. Could it be that he thinks that you are not serious about leaving him? Something needs to change his way of thinking if so,

The relationship I have with my boyfriend would have been SO over had he not come clean about everything that happened very early on. In my case the OW sent incriminating e-mails to me a couple of months after DDay, copies of conversations between the two of them that were designed to destroy our relationship and also she told me some other things that were designed to be very damaging. And guess what? Those things were nothing that I did not already know about, so about all that happened was it backfired on the OW. It gave me proof that my boyfriend had told me the truth--everything, and it certainly uncovered her for the type of person she was. So in my case, him telling me everything very early saved the relationship.

Had she given me information that I did not already have after he had told me everything (as hard as that was for him), the relationship would have been over. I had insisted on complete transparency from the beginning or I was leaving the relationship. I meant it and he knew it. That is what you need to do, IMHO. Nobody wants to find out details later from an OW or OM. To me, had there been anything that he had held back, well, that would have been a dealbreaker.