I needed to know EVERYTHING and of course he was terrified to tell me because the recovery process was hard enough let alone answer all the questions I had. He was so terrified of losing me he told his therapist he was avoiding answering my questions for fear of the next thing being the final straw. His therapist told him this "You don't need to go overboard offering up every single incident but if your wife asks you a direct question then you owe her the truth." So that is where we started, with each question I asked he would answer and sometimes he would try to generalize, like I would ask "Well what did you say to each other while you were lying in bed together? What would you talk about on the phone with her?" and he would say "Just imagine how any relationship is in those first few months of dating, it was like that." So of course those answers were frustrating, but then one day the other woman/ex-friend of mine sent me an 18 page letter documenting every love letter from him, every position they did it in etc...That letter was my undoing, as they say careful what you wish for. Now of course she was a psycho so it didn't stop there and she then sent it to 12 of my closest friends, so now not only was I in the know but everyone I hung out with as well. Of course my friends told me they didn't read it but c'mon, who wouldn't read that?
One thing I did learn from all of it, is that often our imagination is worse than the truth, I had actually envisioned much more sexually then had went down and when I ordered the phone records I saw that it was mainly her contacting him all the time and not the other way around, this also brought me a smidge of comfort. Also knowing that what he was telling me after DDay did coincide with everything she was saying in the letter so I knew that he was being completely honest with me at that point.
So not sure I've helped you in my response but know that wanting to know every detail is the norm, we were in the dark for much too long, now that the lights are in, we want to know every nugget of truth!
You are in good company and I wish you all the best in the days and months ahead.

I wanted (want) to know everything. Not telling is just another way of keeping secrets. A husband and wife should not keep ANY secrets from each other, particularly bad ones. Until there is full disclosure, your spouse will still have private, special memories of the affair partner. That's not allowed! Sunlight removes the privacy and thus diminishes the special memories.

If you want to know everything, then you are entitled to know everything and your husband should answer every question that you have until you are satisfied - understanding that there may be some questions better left unasked.

Random things keep popping in my head.. like was he wearing his wedding ring.. what did he tell her about me to explain why he was 'venturing out.' Did he say I was crazy (I'm not), or did he tell her we had 'fallen out of love' like he carried on about to the counselor. It appeared to be mainly sex from what I saw of the chat, but I'm wondering if he ever bought her a meal, or did he just go over there and bang her... was there any small talk?? (they didn't have much time). The chat was very explicit, so I don't really have to wonder what they did. Was he grossed out by her appearance?? (She is obese and that has never been his attraction). Was she weirded out by the 'toys' he brought? Did he carry them in a bag, or what?? Were there children in her house? Just stuff like that. Inquiring minds want to know.

It is doubtful that your husband will come clean wth disclosure, cheaters are deceitful manipulators and sneaky cowards, they are like vampires in that they don't like daylight.
R u normal wanting to know it all?
Absolutely!

I dont think I will ever be told what was really going on. Yeah I know it was an A but there are so many questions that I wish I had answers to.
I know some things and I have my assumptions about the rest but thats a shitty way to go when you are trying to re-build a relationship.

Yes I wanted to know EVERYTHING. However, that could be good and bad. It's good to get your questions answered so you are not wondering what they did. But it is bad because now you know what they did and you have visions flashing over and over again in your mind of what they did.

I later regretted knowing, what I think, was everything. I feel there is now nothing really special between us and I no longer feel adequate sexually to him.

I would want to know as much as possible to determine the depth of the relationship and if I wanted to stay after that truth. I think that should be my right just like he felt it was his right to start and maintain an EA for almost a year.

I don't know much though. And I think the things I imagine are not any worse than what may or may not have happened or been said.
I already know they talked/texted on my birthday an our anniversary so not much more that can be of importance than the fact you didn't even respect me enough or care enough to at least let my special days stay special.

i feel the same thing. I just want him to admit it be honest. If you want to be with that person, Its ok with me but at least Man out about it. Instead he keeps lying and lying. Today, he said his going to work. He was wearing tshirts/ jeans/sandals, I've been married with him for 21 years. I know what he wears for work., The worst part is he just came back from San Francisco for a week, and the first thing he did was lied and be with her... Stab in a heart... I want to yell/ kick/hit something.. They've known each other for 3 yrs at work. God knows how long they been lying to me.. He will sneak out at 3 am to 8am to be with her. He would lie who's on the phone. He will meet up with her, using excuse I want to be alone..

Jaufero.. I am so sorry. I know a little of how you feel.. I was snooping on my husbands phone again, and was again stabbed in the heart when I saw in his 'favorites' that she was listed first right before me.. I mean damn if it all wasn't bad enough, that just made it hurt all over again. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I want our family, but I sure didn't make these choices, yet I'm being forced to live with them.

I wanted the truth. And I got it -- from the 2nd ex-spouse and the AP (she contacted me after their breakup.) My ex is a serial cheater. There is no conscience in him -- only the keen ability to know what each of his victims wants to hear, and then he manipulates from there to suit himself.

When my husband cheated on me the first time I did want to know every detail. I wanted to hear everything that went down, how they met, what they did, where they went..... everything. That was six years ago. Now he has up his game to prostitutes. I now could care less what they did and how he did it. I don't know if it is because I went through it once before or what.

The first time I didn't want to loose him really, I wanted to make it work and wanted to know everything.

Now I don't care. I don't care how things went down with him and these hookers. I just want out of the marriage completely.

Hope, what is it with these psycho other women? The OW in my case (another psycho) did not even know me, yet 2 months after DDay and the cessation of contact between my boyfriend and her, she googled my e-mail and sent me all the e-mail correspondence that had been between them (well at least what she thought would be most incriminating), along with a few emails with choice words in them towards me in order to try to destroy the relationship between my boyfriend and I. What I got from the e-mails was that I could read firsthand how she manipulated him as she attempted to steal him from me--the OW ran down our relationship and attempted to try to be to him what he had told her I was not. To his credit, he never said anything bad about me at all in those e-mails, and that also helped. Actually having all that knowledge had a healing result, as it made it more clear how everything happened and the trickery involved.