Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello again! Just having a bad day. I am really sad today. When he came out of his fog in March, he was a desperate man, saying he would do anything to come hone and he messed up the best thing in his life. Now, 3 months later, I feel like the desperate one. I still haven't let him come home, but I am a mess every other hour. I tell him I don't want to beat him up anymore, and then I do just that. I keep going over the same things, waiting for him to tell me something different, something that will make me feel better. He tells me I can't make him feel any worse than he already does, but that does nothing to make me feel better. I guess I feel that he risked everything to have this affair (with the worst human being on the planet!), but he never fought for me, for US! I don't even think he ever had the balls to tell her he was coming back to me and that really pisses me off!!! He just told her it wasn't working. I guess I am just looking for some grand gesture from him that shows me he is still desperate to get me back. I think I have made it too easy on him. No, I haven't let him move home, but I have been more receptive to him than I should be, considering that after DDay, he would not even answer my phone calls/ texts after work, when he was with her. And I had his children at home with me!! And he says he missed his best friend, that he had no one to talk to without me. What bullshit! All of a sudden, he shakes that fog (what a crock) and wants everything back! And I have let him in!! What is wrong with me?! And I have become obsessed, reading anything that will show me it is possible. I only wanna see the positive, afraid to look ahead without him with me.I know that I am in the driver's seat and everything is up to me now, but I am having a hard time navigating. What am I so afraid of? Losing him? He sure as hell wasn't worried about that back in October!! I am in therapy, and that does help some. But I can't seem to set my boundaries keep them. I tell him I need time to work on me, then start calling him because I get anxious. Staying busy does help, but that downtime will get me every time!! Any advice from anyone who is or has experienced this would be fantastic!!! Also, how do I get through this without it changing me completely. I understand there will be changes, but I would like to keep a lot of me. I have always been happy go lucky, always with a smile and a positive attitude. I don't want to be angry, bitter and cynical, due to someone else's actions! I can't let him change me!!
Thanks or letting me vent!
Thanks or letting me vent!
I know it seems like you will never come out of this, but I encourage you to see your primary care physician to possibly give you some anxiety meds to take the edge off. You will be surprised on how much it can help.
You are not alone. All of us have gone through this with various degrees of pain. Leverage the knowledge and warmth that can be shared back!
Hugs hugs to you!!!!
I would say not to let him back into your life until you know for sure that he has changed and really understands how his actions have hurt you and your family. You are also clearly upset, which is totally understandable. You were totally disrespected and let down. You would have to let time pass and get over that anger before you even try to make things work again. In the meantime, just try your best not to rely on him for your happiness. Don't let him have control over your happiness. I know this is hard to do because you have feelings and it still hurts. But just try to do things that make you happy or try some new hobbies. I'm not the best advice giver, so I hope this helps..lol
I hoped to try and fix things but it is eye opening to see the bag if woe that brings.
I hope that what should work out for you works out
Well, not since the night I caught him anyway. The night I caught him, he may as well have told me to get efffing lost. His actions spoke volumes! I think I had kind of come to a place of acceptance when he called me that night. And now I am back on this damn ride. I have always kinda been an instant gratification kinda gal (as is he), so this is killing me! Maybe patience is one of the lessons I will be learning through this process. I don't know what to do about the thoughts. They are brutal some days! Thoughts of him and her, as well as memories of him and I during that time. My head knows his affair was not about me, but my heart doesn't quite get it. Humiliation at the hands of the one that is supposed to live you more than anything is not fun! My therapist gave me a quote that I hung over my desk at work, and it helps move me forward when I remember it is there!!
'She couldn't go back and make all of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.'
All of us are the whole, we just have to find our beauty.
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html
You are exactly where I was few years back. I'll share what I learnt from it. I loved him, wanted to be with him, but didn't know why should I allow him have me again, in my case I hadn't even received sincere apology till then and his behavior was not coherent.
This is mainly our internal struggle with our own self. I'd never thought I could forgive infidelity (that was my image of myself) and here I was trying to find out reasons to forgive. I couldn't accept my own new behavior.
We've built our own image in our mind. But in situations like this, our true nature comes up and we are surprised by it, many times not accept our own wants and feels.
I found that coming to terms with what I really was helped me come to peace with myself. Once I accepted myself (longing for him while still angry etc), it allowed me space to understand why.
I found few things about myself. I used to be very happy, independent, active, enthusiastic and smiley girl. After being in relationship, I'd started depending on him for my happiness. They call it emotional dependence. I started doing things of my own again, even small things, spending some time with old friends, family, sister, brother.. (if easily possible). I actually found that I can be happy again on my own, without having to depend on anyone else - even if it was my partner for my own happiness. This independence gave me confidence to allow myself be with him again and give our relationship a chance.
Like you, I also am not sure why I should even want to try to rebuild something with someone who so stupidly threw everything away for, what again? oh, yeah, sex and immature, teenage luv with a terrible person who quickly became a possessive angry lunatic? I can't see anything now but anger mostly (covering the hurt for me I guess) - I can't see a future with him but I also can't see a future that I hadn't always imagined.
But I read this and I re-read it at times, because I do believe it might help me wait and have patience until I can clear out some of my own "fog" of anger and hurt to finally know what I want (not what he says he wants, or what I think I want out of familiarity, but what I really do want for me, for MY future) :
"Drown out the external noise. Wait for the universe to reveal enough evidence to draw a conclusion. Be Still and Know. Wait for that teeny little nugget of Truth to arise- you know that nugget. Its often the quietest but deepest voice inside us that insists we have to go even though staying is more comfortable or the one that requires us to stay when wed prefer, at the moment, to run for the hills. Listen to your truthiest truth. Your truthiest truth sounds more like Love and Courage than Fear. Dont ignore it. Dont be afraid. Trust."
That's from Glennon Doyle of momastery.com - writing about the end of her own separation from her husband for some undisclosed failing on his part.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow :)