Honestly, they haven't stopped coming and it's been over a yr. The worst part for me is when I ask a question now I get a new story which in turn makes me have more questions. I hope things get better for you soon. ((hugs))

My wife was convinced that telling me the gory details would only make things much worse - that she would further hurt me and thus put the final nail in the coffin of a divorce. A common misconception, but not true at all. It took me over a year to convince her that NOT knowing the details was driving me crazy. It was as if she got to keep special memories of her time with the guy. I could NOT accept that, by keeping secret her times with him, some other man knew something about my wife that I did not. Not acceptable to me!!

Unfortunately, now that she has opened up a bit about it, I get a lot of "I don't remember." And THAT is going to send me over the edge.

You are entitled to ask as many questions you want, until you get all the answers you need. And, more important, your spouse is NOT entitled to keep special memories just for himself of his time with another woman. Those HAVE to come out into the sunlight in order to be destroyed.

Knowing the details is not going to hurt you more than you have already been hurt. It just wont. You are at rock-bottom and it can't get worse. Only when you know the details will you be able to make a proper, informed decision about how best to move forward.

I still have questions. I probably always will because I know I will never know everything that happened and so it makes me wonder.

I have to say, finding out some details hurt more than I was already hurting but I guess that's the chance we take when we ask what we feel we need to. To know they shared so many special times and on and on made it feel like my heart was being pulverized at times. My need to know drove me to ask questions and I'm still asking questions even though its over. I dropped a bunch on him this past weekend and I walked away just SMH and knowing that as much as I still have some residual feelings and all of that? Its shot to shit. The more I learn, the more I know that I can't imagine ever trusting him again even if he jumped through every damn hoop I asked him to. It drives me crazy too b/c I do still go back and forth in my head. Comes with the territory until it doesn't.

So...ask what you need to and prepare yourself for how even more shitty it can feel when you do. If you don't ask, it'll drive you crazy anyway. And if he wants this to work? He has an obligation to be absolutely transparent about all of it to your satisfaction. His feelings about sharing or not sharing at this point shouldn't come into play really. Its all about him trying to clean that up and that includes being as open and detailed about all of it that you need him to be and deal with the fall out after he shares even more. Again, comes with the territory.

When I read about the folks who stay and then later live w/the million questions - I am glad I found the courage to walk away from a cheating mate. Walking away meant to me closure - the past no longer mattered. All I could see was the future and myself living in it in peace. I can't wrap my brain around folks who stay - sounds like torture to me. But I do know that many stay. I would say - either leave so you don't have to deal w/the questions - or stay accepting that no matter what their answers are - is not going to make the betrayal less painful. Maybe at some point you want to try to stop the questions - just because you are the only one suffering from having them? I doubt that the cheating mate, who already had a blast fooling around is stressing too much about the million questions you have. The suffering sounds one sided. I would think counseling would help with this also.

Good luck.

the questions for me never stopped until i determined that if we were going to make it work i could not keep trying to get her ti give me information she was not going to share. once we determined that we were going to work through it, there is acceptance on both sides her side that she hurt me our family and our future, and my side for holding such a horrid grudge over her head for doing what she did, and also for not paying attention to all the things that lead up to it.

You are entitled to full disclosure , the questions won't ever stop until you feel that full disclosure is what you are getting,
Full disclosure from a cheater is not common

It never ends. You can ask yourself why it happened over and over and never get a clear answer. Asking questions can lead to trouble and a lot of hostile comments or arguments. Some CS' try to drop the A in their minds to make themselves feel like they have done nothing wrong. Then like my wife, they give you excuse after excuse for why they did it. I asked mine the other day and never got a clear reason. I know you want to know more. Trust me there is a lot more I want to know. I know she had sex with him. I found proof. There's the difference between you and I. My question was more based on if she fell in love with him. I know she was based on the things she said to him. I just want her to admit to it. However, I really don't want to know. The pain of knowing keeps me from ultimately asking.

Ask yourself if you are ready to to be happy again. Because like me, my happiness trumps over the pain of living with unanswered questions any day.

Coming upon 3 years for me and though the constant daily thoughts have subsided some I think questions will always remain forever. Something will happen to trigger a thought and I will find myself questioning if I know the truth. I was one that NEEDED to know it all and I dug and dug and dug to get it. Fortunately (and unfortunately) I was able to find lots of her messages on the computer which gave many details. This worked to both uncover stuff she hadn't told and also verify some things she had told that were actually true but I did not believe. After awhile after I kept finding more stuff out she finally just gave in and decided to tell it all (or so it seems) but it quickly reached a point where I dont think that I would have ever believed I really knew it all. I mean really when you find out that someone has betrayed you that much its pretty hard to actually reach a point where you think you know the whole truth.

I believe as a BS you are entitled to know everything you ask and that is one of the biggest things a CS must do if they want to start to do right. However, I now would caution people on just how much do they really want to know. I think the who and when are very important. You need to know anyone involved and basic time frame. You need to know the basic details, but as much as someone may think they need to know it all I am now of the belief that knowing all the nasty details may not be beneficial. I varies form person to person like anything and this is a decision that you have to make as a BS if the CS makes the decision on what they think you should know and denies the details saying they are trying to protect you from from hurt, or even worse protect someone else, than that is going to just make is worse. It will seem like an excuse and hurt even more. This is just based on my personal experience and looking back on it.

Another thing about all the questions is I think you need to ask yourself if there is a point where the answer to certain questions that are left over no longer make a big difference. What I mean is will the answer to the questions make you change your decision on what you are going to do or try to do. If its a deal breaker question then it may never fade you will always need the answer. For example maybe you know of one affair but expect there were many more. If its not a deal breaker, for example you dont know if they slept with each other 10 times or 20, then it may reach a point where you just have to except your own decision as to what you are going to do and move along on that track. I think this has to be 100% the decision of the BS because again if its the CS saying it, it seems like a cope out and excuse to not tell the details. Ultimately what we all want is the truth but sometimes the likelihood of getting the whole truth (and actually believing you have the whole truth) is like getting blood from a turnip.