No, it's not a sign you shouldn't be doing this.

It just means it's a skill you haven't learned yet, that's all.
If you think you need to do it, you do!

I am no techie, sorry I can't help!

Repairing your relationship after an affair needs to involve rebuilding trust. I'd say that installing a spying app on his phone wouldn't be in line with that desire to rebuild the trust.

I respectfully disagree navy ... a BS needs confirmation that the CS is being transparent and really doing what they promise. If you need spyware right now, then by all means install it. Your CS gave up some privacy rights when they decided to rebuild after f-ing up this majorly.

i think she should install it ... too help build trust, its better than knowing if your being lied too all the time
its called a peace of mind... and which is i am still looking for ...but i am not hi-tech either maybe you can google it or you tube it to see how to install it

Keeps us posted on your findings ect:

Someone here knows all this stuff, I just can remember who it was but I'm sure they will come on to help you soon. (I might spy on this post too lol).

Your hubby must have an iPhone because they are the phones that typically need to be "jail broken".

Here is a link on how to do it:

http://www.iphonehacks.com/jailbreak

Of course if he password protects his phone (e.g. it locks every time he doesn't use it for a minute or less) then you will have a few issues there unless you know his password.

Good luck

Thanks for the links and advice. He does have an Iphone and a password, but he has given me the password-so no problem there. I agree with everyone. If I am truly on the path to rebuilding trust then spying is not the way to go and I have gone back and forth with the decision of whether to install it or not. But since we are in the earlier stages of that process, I need to know that he is actually doing what he says, so for now, I feel like I need/want to do this! I will keep you posted.

if you husband wants to be with you, he has to accept that he has to earn his way back, the terms of regaining trust are yours.
he has to earn "privacy"
...to be blunt he shared his privates with someone else and then again with you, therefore he dad no concern for his privacy or yours,

part of your terms should inlcude respect for the health of your sexual body parts, if he doesn't accept that then he is a scumbag

Before someone is cheated on they think that living a life in which you feel you have to "spy" on someone is unimaginable and they would never do so. But once it has happened all trust is out the window initially and I personally feel there is no such thing as unjustified "spying" on a CS. That is one thing that was made clear early on in our rebuilding process that life was now a complete open book, transparency was key (I believed even before this that a good relationship should be very transparent I just never asked for it or thought I needed it). It is one thing to say things are transparent though and another for a BS to actually believe it, after all almost all BS have been feed a line of bull for a certain amount of time. If a CS really wants to rebuild they will have not trouble with any "spying" but the key to any real peace of mind is to have random things or things the CS doesn't know about otherwise it doesn't bring that peace. Can it continue this way forever, no, but I have absolutely no bad feelings towards any BS that feels the need to "spy". It sounds great to say that true rebuilding only comes from trust, and that is partially true but to even begin the rebuilding the BS has to have some sense of security something that at least makes them feel like they have some control, some ace in the hole etc even though most of us realize that no matter how much spying is done there is always a way to be fooled, we already were. I know when I took the very first steps and uncovering my wife's secrets that I felt guilty and couldn't believe I was "spying" on her and installing a keylogger on the computer, but in no time I confirmed my fears and what she had already denied.

Staystrong4u my hope for you is that it gives you some peace of mind and that anything you find confirms that he is in fact doing what he says. Please keep in mind though that you are bound to find somethings that bother you, maybe not more cheating but who knows what, being a "fly on the wall" that no one is aware of can always lead to uncomfortable situation. Dont be like me and play your hand to quick if anything starts to bother you. Good luck.

CountyMounty that's true. All l really want to know is if he's being sincere. I really don't care to know any of his other stuff and I don't want to bite off more than I can chew when I'm having trouble with what I already know. Soooo....I don't know. Darn it, this is so freakin hard!

Here is a free jailbreak program.

http://appupdaterpro.com/go/redsn0w?subid=jailbreak%20iphone

Though it appears you have to say no to several software offers to get it.

Note: I don't know how good it is or safe. It was toward the top of a search for "jailbreak iphone"

"Buyer beware."

What would happen if you told your H that you want spyware on his phone and asked him to help you install it?
I know in this way you would not be as likely to catch him doing anything if he is still up to no good but it would be interesting how he would react to the idea. That alone might tell you something.

As a CS myself (to Cole) I would not have minded if he had asked for that. As a matter of fact he kind of pulled the opposite on me. He discovered everything by key logger. After my confession he removed the keylogger but did not tell me so, so for a good while, I thought it was still on there. I was very sincere and determined though, so it wouldn't have made any difference either way.

The only thing he did secretly was put parental controls on my phone and block OM about a week or so after Dday. Oh, yea, and he blocked OM from my FB without telling me. There was a part of me that didn't like the things he did without telling me but I accepted it just fine. I would have preferred, though, that we made the decision together and did the blocking together, but either way, he had the right. It would have been completely stupid for me to get upset about those things after what I had done.

Kind of similar things her with us, not initially, but eventually my CS wife offered all kinds of things that I passed on, things that I found almost rediculous, impossible, or not the way i wanted to live. While we did plenty of things for security and many things changed there were plenty of things she offered that I didn't take her up on. Also I discovered her affairs with keylogger (well I got an anonymous email tip first) but then a keylogger uncovered her secret accounts) I also checked her phone etc. She thinks I am a computer genius to find all the stuff I did and believes I did and still do way more than i do. While I still do things to check up on her (and she has said that there is absolutely no limit to what I can do if I feel the need) it is far less than I thought I would end up doing and less than she actually thinks I do.

As CS that truly wants to make it work has to be totally willing to be completely transparent and should have no problem with their BS keeping tabs on them in whatever way THEY feel that they need for as long as they need. Sure all the extreme checks and safeguards cant last forever (or else that would make for a very trying relationship and exhausting for the BS) it may last a long time and some of it a very long time (for example I think I reserve the right to check my wife's phone anytime I want).

Gabrielle is right that his response to such a request should be a good clue, not only if he is lying or not but just how serious he is about making things work with you and what he is willing to do. I still think at this stage in the game, if you really want the truth, and if you would not take his reaction to a request as an answer in and of itself, you should opt to not play your cards out to him if you decided to do things to check up on him.

I agree with CM. I wouldn't ask him that now. What Gabi describes is post dday, after the A has been uncovered. If you don't have evidence yet of the truth you don't want to alert him that you are thinking about it.

Good luck.

Hi,
I've recently joined the group. I've been through this before, now in much better shape n rebuilding.
We simply come to know if our spouse is sincere and no longer cheating just by their behavior. The way we knew something was wrong, we also know deep down if it's ok now. I'm sure many of us on this board will agree. But if you still feel the need of monitoring, and feel restless without it, go ahead.