Sounds like you guys in a healthy spot right now, yes your insecurities is valid now as the wound is fresh.

Its been too short a time but based on your post a strong woman you are.

Please post 6 mth update would love to read it.

I found my H affair on FB April 21, 2012...it had been going on since he met her on May 25, 2011....yes they had sex after just a few hours meeting for the first time in a bar....I am still devastated, I still wake with horrible nightmares every day, I have some hours that I can stack together where I haven't cried, some hours that I could calmly ask him some questions he did not want to answer, but answered just the same...He says,"I thought our marriage was over, I DIDN'T THINK YOU LOVED ME, I WAS LOST, I WAS SELFISH, DO YOU SEE THE COMMON THEME....IT WAS ABOUT HIS I " and I still do not know if we will stay together, he is seeing a therapist only about once a month(not enough)and I had been seeing a therapist since before I found the affair....my therapist keeps telling me to make a choice and go with it, forget what happened if you want to stay together and forgive him, stop talking about it, stop trying to find out why....the answer is simple he says:HE IS A SELFISH SCUMBAG AND DOESN'T LOVE YOU, HE ONLY WANTS WHAT HE WANTS, WHEN HE WANTS IT AND WILL GO TO WHAT EVER LENGTHS TO HAVE IT, what I hear is, he's just not that into you....OR HE SAYS: GET OUT, YOU WILL FIND ANOTHER, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN HE GAVE OR IS WILLING TO GIVE.....so I struggle with the emotion of all of this, the love, the betrayal they are in a spiritual war inside of me and they both spill over every day, I have no normal life....sure I do the wash, eat, keep clean...but to feel comfortable and safe in my life is gone, we have been going to church, praying, calling prayer lines, talking to pastors, reading books, reading scripture....tyring to do whatever it takes to find the end, the result of this affair has taken its toll on us and my kids that live with us...his kids do not know about the affair...this is the worst thing ever....I wish you good luck, God's love and a happy ending

I give you cudos... I dont know how you stay. After my pig of an ex-husband cheated on me I was out the door.

His reasonings are just that - reasons that cannot be tied to you in anyway shape or form. They are smoke screens - nonsensical bullshit. Crap that only knuckleheads dream of in order to justify the sins.

if he was a good husband - he would have been there for you through your time of ups and downs - and not taken that as a reason to do what he did. In my eyes - thats so low that there are no words to explain how low - he broke so many moral/human laws - much less the marriage vow/loving - trusting - cherish - take care of your partner vows.

I am about 10 months out and I feel a little bit better but still - it still suxs bad. 5 months out is still fresh and you must be concerned he might do this crap again.

Get him into counselling to get out some of those demons he has. Get him to face the facts. We are here. Post when u need us.

"he says he did it because I was emotionally devastated by family problems (brother in laws brain cancer diagnosis, teenage daughters pregnancy etc..) & yes I was rightfully devastated!"

This is about as solid an excuse as any. It makes complete sense from an outside perspective.

Simply put....he used an unhealthy means of escape.

This does NOT make what he did right or justified....it does explain WHY however.

This begs the next question.....Why don't ALL people cheat when going through emotional turmoil. This is where you will discover the root of his issue.

I am not a therapist, but it appears that he would rather run from feeling bad. He does not like to face issues concerning emotional turmoil. Perhaps he has low self esteem and interpreted your sadness at that time to be his fault. Maybe he felt a need for an ego boost.

He needs to explore the root of why he needed to escape and address it.

Ciggarrman, not exactly a healthy spot unfortunately! "Shegavehimareason" I felt your pain when I read your reply & I have tried to rekindle my Faith by going back to church but after a few months I was even angrier! I know God hears me and is in the most important place, my heart! I am so sorry for your pain and for once I can honestly say "I know how you feel!" Jillian-I was one of those women that says "the first time is the last" and I must say I am ashamed that I haven't had the strength to go with my convictions.
"Onyx & Blindside" THANK YOU SO MUCH for your brutal honesty! It gave me a perspective that I haven't thought about yet. Pretty pathetic that since his disclosure I actually worry about hiding my emotions and struggles. Ironic that the night he got busted, I was on a late night phone call with my sister, who is just devastated with watching her husband fade away slowly. You're both right, this is a deep seeded problem that he has and that being said I feel HE is the one that needs to acknowledge & reach out for help!
Thanks again guys for your insight and for listening!

5 months is a very short time for such a trauma, you are too harsh on yourself and he does not seem to be offering much support, not to mention that with all due respect his "excuse" for having cheated on you is plain pathetic, and if it is real he is not worth you, he HAS to be in therapy, this is the most basic token of his commitment to your relationship, if you haven't already please get, read yourself and MAKE HIME READ a book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald. This book saved me from going insane. It justified every single feeling I felt and helped me enormously in having my husband understand what I was going through. It is also trully compact, so short enough for anybody to read. I would say that if he is truly commited to you he HAS to get it. TAKE CARE! hugs

It has been 5 months for me as well. I know exactly how u feel. I feel so sad and exhausted. I cant sleep. I am going on but I dont know if it is worth it to stay. . Will I be better off if I leave? I am tired of feeling this way. I cant even talk to him any more. I used to be able to open up, but I am shut down. I really dont know if I care about this marriage except for my 2 year old and 3 year old and his constant I will do everything I can to work it out. I stopped bringing it up. He answeres "Yes I had an affair. The milk is spilt. Now lets move forward. Stop bringing it up." You know what I now have stopped talking at all. Just take care of my girls and take life as it is. But I cant keep going on like this. Im gearing up to leave. He doesent even realize the miriacle it is gonna take. He thinks everything is OK.

G,

He is in the fog of the A< see cannot even see his penis now.

You have fresh wounds and this is too soon for the pain to start diminishing.

Children, Why are you leaving to suffer.

Pack him up.

Hugs your way.

"G", I also agree with Cigarrmen...don't leave! If you need space and time to heal, he should respect that and leave. It wouldn't be fair to have to displace your children as well. I too am at the same point as you. Although my SO did not have an emotional affair his indiscretions with prostitutes and massage parlors has left me raw and so bitter. We use to have a great friendship and amazing intimacy but HIS foolish weakness has taken that from me. I too don't talk to anyone or find happiness in everyday things. My children are the exception and I try so hard to hide my hurt from their innocent eyes. We took a Winter getaway this Christmas and it was all I could but to sit and watch him play with the kids in the snow, all the while knowing it could be our last as a family! I guess what burns me the most is that now I have to make the decision for him to stay or go! I didn't ask him to cheat but yet I now am forced with a life changing decision. Or better yet, in my case he seems to cheat when crisis hits & that leads me to ask myself "okay, so as my brother in law fades into end stages of his battle with brain cancer and I am needed by my sister, where will you be? Getting a massage?" I know it sounds horrible and it is! When my BIL got diagnosed and had surgery he committed his 3 rd offense. Sorry to rant on but it does feel good to get it out. Like you, I have been holding things in and that is only going to lead to an explosion! If you ever need to chat, I'm here. Oh and I took J's advice and ordered the book he referred to in his thread. I'm planning on reading it first and going from there. Baby steps!

"! I guess what burns me the most is that now I have to make the decision for him to stay or go! I didn't ask him to cheat but yet I now am forced with a life changing decision. "

This is EXACTLY where I am at. It's not fair. If H wanted out because it was too much to deal with, then HE should have made that choice. I guess it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission! So yes, H says he wants to R, but it's on me to decide if I can live with knowing what he has done and worrying if he will do it again. It has been a very stressful year for us (miscarriage, stressful jobs, financial stress, etc.), and when the going got tough, H acted selfishly, looking out for his needs only. H used the same excuses, saying that because I was unhappy, he figured our marriage was over anyway, so why not?! Ugh.

I'm in this boat. You're not alone. I'm keeping a strong front for the kids, but biding my time until I have some resolve one way or another. H starts counseling next week. We'll see what this step brings.

Why can't - when getting married - just like a product - look on the warrenty label or experation date and see this person will explode and do such and such by so and so date and will impact everything you had build and dreamed of.

They say getting married is a leap of faith.

That doesn't really explain it.

Again - I have heard all sorts of reason to cheat but this is the dumbest of them all. I mean it is beyond stupid.

You have family problems so instead of helping and being there for you - he goes into crazytown?

WTF? actually this is a major excuse for you to go into crazytown - "you weren't there for me emotionally when I needed you"...I have heard that one a thousand times - never this one.

This gives you an insight of the "fabric" of a man - that is your H.

This provides a vantage point for the morals and values this complete knuckle head has.

You have ever right now to tell him to f off and come and talk to you when you buys a clue.

You will get angry and he will probably try and run someone more into crazytown - in the end - unfortunitly - very very unfortunitly - you have found out what kind of man this is and "its a shelfish" man child.

Sorry.

No apology needed Onyx! You are SPOT ON & I am beginning to come to this reality! I am fortunate that we are not "married" but somehow that doesn't give me much solace other than the fact that this is my home, my business & if i decide I can't get past this, HE GOES! Just don't know if Love is enough in my case. The worrying about if and when and what he'll do is just unbearable anymore & I need peace! "NewGirl", it is so frustrating isn't it....the excuses that we were unhappy! Ughhhh...yeah....life is tough but in going through tough times I never once said " Oh i would love to just find some strange guy to #$%@!" that'll make evrything better....NOT! lol

I posted a long while ago about finding out that during 18 years of our 28-year marriage, my husband had been cheating on me. The shock I could equate to 9 on the Richter Scale. We've both come out of the rubble and are 'together'. This is the bit I'm confused about. It is as though there are three of me - one just standing outside looking in, another carrying on as normal, loving, friendly, caring and the other still suspicious, making sure not caught out as before. To everybody we know, it appears as a rock solid marriage as no one except our children and one close friend knows what happened to us. Does anyone out there know what i'm talking about or have gone through something similar?

Shirley,

You are what is commonly referred as "numb" which the brain will create. I could not enter that realm during my 2 yr reconcilation period.

You have placed your soul and brain in the middle, which is OK for the short term not not long term.

Fair its you that creates this so look in mirror and decide.

Oh do not we create a perface facade for the world to see.