Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
this is my first entry here - so sorry it is so long. I have been married for 22 years and have 2 beautiful children. I was basicly an only child has my brothers were 22 years older than me. Therefore, I have had to help take care of my parents/brother and grandparents. They are all dead and I have no aunts/uncles either. Back in 2011 my husband confronted to me (after my favorite aunt died) that he had an affair on me for 3 years. I knew it though and had asked many times and he lied to me and said no. He told me he broke it off with her and I said we need to go to counseling and that he was not to see or ever talk to her again. Well in 2012 (I had a feeling) he saw her at a park (which I drove up and caught them - they weren't doing anything but talking but still). I was pissed. I said again to stay away from her and told her that she was breaking up a marriage and to stay away. He said he needed to talk to her which I interrupted. Last month I also had a feeling - took a drive and saw his van and her car at another park. Again he said he saw her vehicle pulled in to just say hi and see how she was doing and talk to her. I told him to pack his clothes and leave (been 3 weeks).
Today, someone sent me a text and said he was with her again. I immediately drove out there and yelled at him (she was gone). I told him I can't do this anymore and that I was going to file for divorce. I do love him, but I don't trust him. He said he is trying to move on and just needs her to not be mad at him (since he does not have any friends he sees her as a friend). I explained she is not a friend and that she is the 3rd person in our marriage. He shouldn't have anything to talk about with her. He is tearring our marriage apart. But he expect me to trust him and that is has been since 2011 that the affair ended. I said I can't trust you because you keep seeing her (even if it is just to tall and that this shows he has feelings for her). He denied the feelings and said he is trying to work through his issues. I do love him but I can't continue to feel this way. I don't even trust anyone nor my self (on decisions). He said great when he is trying to work through his issues I am going to leave him. That he might as well drive off a cliff and then I can collect the insurance money and be happy. I said that is not what I want, I want him to be honest with me and not to sneak around my back. I asked him would he have told me and said no. He is a good man, but lies and has cheated. I went parttime back in July and have no insurance for myself, I'm scared and have no family or monetary support. Has anyone's marriage worked out. We have seen counselors in the past but he didn't like them because they sided with me. He want's to join a support group, which I am fine about. Help?????
Today, someone sent me a text and said he was with her again. I immediately drove out there and yelled at him (she was gone). I told him I can't do this anymore and that I was going to file for divorce. I do love him, but I don't trust him. He said he is trying to move on and just needs her to not be mad at him (since he does not have any friends he sees her as a friend). I explained she is not a friend and that she is the 3rd person in our marriage. He shouldn't have anything to talk about with her. He is tearring our marriage apart. But he expect me to trust him and that is has been since 2011 that the affair ended. I said I can't trust you because you keep seeing her (even if it is just to tall and that this shows he has feelings for her). He denied the feelings and said he is trying to work through his issues. I do love him but I can't continue to feel this way. I don't even trust anyone nor my self (on decisions). He said great when he is trying to work through his issues I am going to leave him. That he might as well drive off a cliff and then I can collect the insurance money and be happy. I said that is not what I want, I want him to be honest with me and not to sneak around my back. I asked him would he have told me and said no. He is a good man, but lies and has cheated. I went parttime back in July and have no insurance for myself, I'm scared and have no family or monetary support. Has anyone's marriage worked out. We have seen counselors in the past but he didn't like them because they sided with me. He want's to join a support group, which I am fine about. Help?????
Why doesn't he have any friends?
My H didn't want his OW angry with him. He didn't seem to care that I was furious with him. The MC explained to him that if he wants to stay married to me, then it has to be over with the OW and that means not thinking about her, not worrying about her feelings. They both took risks and have to accept the consequences. The affair was their choice.
You can get past this and stay married BUT he is the one who has to pull his weight. His relationship has to END with her.
It seems like you have a good grip on this. You have said the right things to him. It's his turn to do right by you.
If she's married, tell her H. Tell your H that he has to go to counseling with you. The reason the counselor sided with you is because he did wrong. He has to own that.
You have been married 22 years, in my state that means permanent alimony. If I divorced my H would have to financially take care of me.
Our assets would be split 50-50. The law is the law. You need to find out how it is in your state. See a lawyer. I think that will bring peace of mind.
It is good your H wants to join a support group. But what support group? I would set out your boundaries. This relationship must end.
No contact means just that. He has to go totally transparent. He has to go to counseling. He has to turn to you to get what he needs.
Trust is hard. I am still working on that with my H. Your H has to give you reason to trust him. So far he's only shown you that you cannot.
Sometimes what makes these guys snap back into reality is the fear of losing us. He needs to understand that he will lose you if his behavior does not change.
I put a lot of pressure on my H. I didn't want to waste another minute of my life with him if he was not committed to me. I suggest you do the same. Use his phone and secretly track him. It's the lying, the sneaking around, the duplicity that is the worst part of all this.
Good luck to you. You are not alone. You have yourself, friends, your kids. You do have to be strong though.
hang in there dont lower your self to what he wants you to feel weak
Your H absolutely has to go NC and if he doesn't that should speak volumes to you - that it is not really over with her. If I were you, I'd be uneasy that it is in fact over with the OW. I find it hard to believe that he has just stumbled across her 3 times while he has been out and about, and even if he has, he should not be putting his need "to talk to her" above your M and your feelings.
I don't think you can fully love if you don't trust. If there is no trust, what is it that you actually have? Familiarity and comfort but that only goes so far. He needs to go to counseling with you and stick with it. Good luck to you!
I just don't understand why he has to see her. He said he doesn't know why (which seems odd to me). I asked if we lived somewhere else, would he drive over here to see her? He said no. This is why I have wanted to move for the past 2 1/2 years (also because she was in my house). It is very hard as this land has been in my family history for almost 100 years (about 40 acres) so it is hard to give it up, but I can't stand to look at this place anymore. The realator is coming on Saturday.
Thank you so much for your view/information I can sure use it. I have the name of a good attorney my best friends mom used, so I may give her a call and see what I need to be aware of. I hate the fact that I have to do this and that I can't trust him. It makes me sick. I have never experienced this in my life, as my parents/family were always so supporting and honest (at least that I am aware of).
How do you track on his work phone, I don't even know what to do?
Your H did not either. This is between you and your H.
But you do have the right to set up conditions and consequences.
Get a smarter counselor for yourself.
The counselor will almost certainly make it very clear that he needs to cease any and all contact if he wants your marriage to work. Like daledge said, it is possible to get past it but he has got to put forth a lot of effort, well you both do, a lot of your effort is just in dealing with what he did, his effort is on changing and really trying and showing you that he is committed to making it work. If he wont go to counseling, wont break all contact with the OW then he is not committed. Good luck.
Add a room to the house, repaint the inside and replace some of the furniture. Make your home into what you like and can live with. Think long and hard before you sell this land.
Right now in order to try and have some hope of keeping your marriage, your displacing some of your emotions and anger onto the house and the OW. Its all 100% your H's fault, and over time you will see this, and where or who came onto your property will not matter as much as the who that invited them there.
Your husband is still wanting to see her because he is cake eating. Good cake eating and infidelity. He is on the fence and will stay there until you or the other woman forces him to pick a side of the fence.
I suggest you go read the healing hand book over at survivinginfidelity.com.
Also look in the just found out section for a thread called something like mistakes all BS make.
Yes, my marriage has worked out. My wife cake ate for a while. i tried to love and understand her back to the marriage. It only turned when I turned and said, since you wont get him our of my marriage, I am getting out of you twos relationships. I drew up a separation agreement and went to an attorney. i was still nice and understanding, but this rocked the whole situation, and then we were able to rebuild.
Peace!
Snort...
Really, your man can't have the both of you. We women are funny like that. We don't share our men or our chocolate. Period.
It may be time for you to take some steps here. The ball is in your court.
L~
As far the "3 of you", um there is no 3 of you. There is the2 of you and the 2 of them. He needs to end all aspects of them to even come close to making this work.
As long as there is a2 of them, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. Your counselor sounds like an ass. Does she really feel you should take part in their break up?
I'm sorry it's like this for you right now. I hope your H pulls his head out of his ass real soon.