Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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inlimbo68 11/14/2013

I am a stay-at-home mum with three grown-up children (one still at home) and a 5 year old. I have been married to my H for 25 years, together for 31yrs. We were both our first girlfriend/boyfriend. Last year his behaviour changed so dramatically that I became very suspicious. I couldnt let myself believe that he was cheating on me but the circumstantial evidence accumulated to the extent that I could not ignore it any longer. I challenged him one evening to tell me what was going on and eventually he admitted he was having an affair. I was devastated and went through all the reactions others have described. He of course tried to blame me for not showing him enough attention, which is rich since he is a workaholic and has effectively ignored me and the children for years!
I prised all the details I could about his relationship with the OW (mainly EA but did turn physical) which helped at the time but has created a lot of triggers that I still react to over a year on from DDay. We (I) am trying to work through this but it is complicated by the fact that he still works with her. He promised to have no non-work contact and he certainly no longer sees her outside work but the EA continues and I cant see how that can end when they are still in frequent close contact. To my shame, I monitor his emails and text messages whenever I get the chance that is how I know there have been, at least occasional, emotional lapses.
She is married with two children around 9/10yrs. I have contacted her by email and by text several times- nothing nasty, but she has never replied. I have not contacted her H but I have researched the means to do so if I ever felt it was necessary. I really wouldnt want to inflict this sort of pain on anyone else.
I have told no one about the affair and have been suffering in silence for over a year. It is so hard to hide such emotion from people who know you well. I have talked it out with my H several times but he doesnt really want to talk about it. I have been reading the posts on this blog and am taking some comfort in the fact that I am far from alone in this situation and that I am not overreacting to what, unfortunately, is all too common.
My H and I have a more intimate relationship now than before but the trust has gone and in my lowest moments I still want to just disappear. If it wasnt for my 5 year old I believe I would not be here now.

Barr62 11/14/2013

I can relate to what your going threw and your right not alone, i had recently discovered my wifes emotioan affair with a co-worker only by the cell phone bill, now the calls had stopped on 10/17 of this year.. but iam sure sh advised him at work i was suspecting something, at 1st it was shop talk nothing more nothing less so i kept drilling with questions then i got his words wooing her made her feel good.. ans hes 13 years younger and? i am a disabled husband .. but body functional ..but i had read online 95% affairs isolate begin at the work enivorement ..because the adults feel they wont get caught however at this point the W is going threw Menopause and she claims all this fellow wanted was to get in her Jeans and he got in trouble at work for sexual haressment..so she said i know longer speak to him, so? how do i know ..but its hard for people like you and i and the others logged on to this site, My wife doesnt understand the fact how she has broken me brought a 3rd party into our Marriage.and she is not remorsful of her action's but lord behold if it where me..and of course i was to blame for her wondering off ..hang in there and be strong for yourself and your lil one i hope things work out for the better

deleted_user 11/14/2013

I'm soo sorry for what you are going through. I really feel your pain. My husband had an affair with a colleague as well. We are separated now but he wants me to give him a second chance. I really don't know whether I should or not.

Perhaps you guys should try and look into counselling? If your husband refuses to talk to you about the affair then it's only going to be more frustrating for you whenever you have so many unanswered questions.

Also, is there no one you can confide in?I am a very private person but when I found out about my husband's affair I turned to my closest friends and it was great being able to vent. This forum is great but you also need someone you can speak to face to face.

arrabella 11/15/2013

Your situation is very like my own; married 20+ years with grown children and one still at home. She was a married coworker. I found out about it by finding emails from her. I have never felt such pain and shock. When I discovered the A she had already been forced to transfer to another job site due to down sizing, that was a blessing, but they were still seeing each other. H terminated the A within hours of discovery, but she pursued him for months. Having her show up frequently was very painful for me and she knew it. I sent her an e-mail telling her that I knew all about the A and that it was time for her to talk to her H. I knew that if he knew about it, she would not be able to continue to interfere in our lives, and would have to deal with her own marriage. She refused to answer me at first until she realized that I would do as I said in my emails, if she did not tell her H, I would. I realize that I gave her a gift that she didn't deserve. She was able to look noble by telling him before he found out by accident or from a third party. I felt that he had every right to know about the A. I didn't want to have the additional pain of having to inform him and I'm glad that she finally did. I also kept it all to myself for months. I finally told my best friend ( she knew something was up) and she advised me to find a therapist to help me cope. We both went to therapy, and I hope you will consider doing that. Its so hard to heal from this and you need all the help you can get. Your H needs to realize that clamming up will prolong your pain and delay your healing he also must cut all ties with OW. I didn't really begin to recover until OW was completely out of our lives and my H realized that I needed him to talk freely and answer my questions honestly, without trying to blame me for his choices. When he started doing that, I began to see a future for us. It takes time to get beyond betrayal and he has to work hard to earn back your trust. I wish you peace and healing.

inlimbo68 11/15/2013

Thank you all for your kind replies and advice. We live in a foreign country so finding counselling in English would be difficult and I strongly suspect my H would not be keen at all. I will look into the possibilities though. I am not in close contact with my friends as they are back in the UK as is my elderly mother whom I really dont want to upset with this news. It is not the sort of thing to talk about with my children either so you can appreciate my dilemma I will show your replies to my H and see if I can jog him out of his narcissism. He never used to be so selfish and thoughtless. It really does seem like he is bewitched! :-)

isitjustme21 11/15/2013

Explore within yourself what it is that you need from him. Do you need open access to his social media, phone records? Do you need counseling with him? With out him? Make a list of things necessary for you to begin healing and trusting him again. These can be your "deal breakers". Talk with him about it and see if you can find common ground where you can feel safe.

Just be prepared of what the consequences are if he is unwilling to do these things. Stick your ground.

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