It has been 4 months to the day, almost, since my d-day, which also happened to be my 9 year anniversary.

If you asked me how I am doing, I would say I am surviving. The first three months all I could do was cry, non stop. This last month has been more of one of anger as well as personal reflection.

In the first two weeks after d-day, I told a lot of people- I call it my shotgun blast heard around the town- lol, but it was my way of grasping for support, but something I regret doing. My boss cannot seem to keep her mouth shut about her opinion on my marriage, or divorce, or whatever she feels that day, which is hard, because the one place I should be able to escape it all, its still right there in my face.

I have lost 50 lbs, and that has done wonders to my self esteem. I am eating healthy and taking care of me. Today at 10:00 AM I would have been walking across the stage to receive my bachelor's degree, and even though I could not afford to fly to my college (online student) to do this milestone- its been a good day, knowing I finally reached a goal. It took 20 years, and one month before I turned 28, but I did it.

I am working on applying to take my pre-reqs for an accelerated Bachelor's in Nursing, and that is exciting as well. I have separated myself from several of my friends, because opinions seems to be rampant on what I need to do, or should do, or how to be-- and I just want to simply be, does that make sense? I call it being in my turtle shell- it involves a lot of bubble baths, house cleaning, and journal writing- a lot of me time and I have to say I am enjoying it.

Hmm, how are my husband and I? Well, he still has a mistress, and still wants to come around and act like this is normal. He is very awkward in the fact that he talks to me about his other woman like we are best friends, me and him, and I just sit there and roll my eyes in my head thinking- seriously?. About three weeks ago, he dissapeared for ten days. Ten days of no contact, nothing. I knew where he was- he went camping three hours away with the other woman, and took leave from work. I was ready to walk away, I wrote him an email telling him how he had made his decision and I was very nice and understanding about it, but basically saying leave me alone and let me mourn the loss of our marriage and let you go, because I deserve better. Well, thirty minutes after sending the email he calls me to tell me not to send him crazy emails... and then when I finally see him a few days later, I opened my mouth to tell him I was done, and all he could do was stand there and tell me how much he misses me, how he cannot live without me, that she is not what he wants, that the last week with her was a real eye opener, and he wants to come home. So he comes home... yeah for one night. And then he is back to his normal routine-- except now when he is around me he is more loving- like I love you, I miss you, all of this blah-- and oh I want to spend the night at home, but she guilt trips me, blah... I am kind of just over it... but every time I try to start the conversation where I say I am done, I wish you happiness with her-- this is my decision... he stops me, tells me not to ruin his day... but seriously.. for real?.... ugh...

Anyway, this is where I am at. I know a lot of people look at me sideways like why does she do this. I still love this man, and am not ready to make a permanent decision, at least as far as divorce. For now, my situation isn't too bad. I am living in our gorgeous house, with two loving dogs, all my bills are paid and I have food on the table. I definitely am blessed. At the same in a few months he will be getting a lump sum payment for his war injuries and he wants to pay off our credit cards, and then in January we will be married 10 years and I will be entitled to half of his retirement and medical benefits from the military. So I am being taken care of, and planning my future, and getting stronger each and every day. I know its hard to find a place to belong-- because my husband committed infidelity, and although I am rebuilding after the affair, he really isn't. I am going to individual counseling and working on my self esteem and I did start prozac a few weeks ago. Days are definitely easier, and to be honest days that I know he may not be home I kind of look forward to because it means not dealing with the stress of wanting to tell him how i feel, while he wants to ignore it.

So I am sure I will get some crazy sideways glances, but this is my life 4 months after d-day. Let me tell you, I felt so happy when he told me everything I wanted to hear, but then when his actions didn't match his words, I just felt more enpowered to break free from all of this. So I am getting there... day after day I am getting there..