Well, I don't know the whole situation, but read the book, "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me" and see if you can check of the boxes of Borderline.

I don't know how severe the hands you put on him were, but I'd not wonder too much about him. Sounds like you should be happy he left. Maybe it was a blessing you snapped. Now he can say it's all your fault in his head. Who cares. You'll finally get some peace.

I don't know your H or any details other than what you've shared. From what you've shared he has some serious mental issues. For somebody to change like night and day the way he did is crazy. Maybe he had a break down, maybe he is a narcassist who played you until it bored him. Maybe he is bi polar. Only a professional who spends time with him can figure that out.

The only part that is not confusing is this. You should not subject yourself to his abuse. Him offering to pay bills to help is bullshit. If this is a rental then cut your loses and get out. You and he probably both signed the lease and are BOTH legaly responsible for paying whatever needs to be paid to complete or break the lease.

If you purchased that can be more complicated because it's marital assets but either way you need to find a way to get help and understand you are not responsible for this mans mental instability.

I'm usualy an advocate for rebuilding a marriage but when there is this kind of emotional abuse, lack of remorse and justification from the cs, I can't think of anything that would support rebuilding.

Sending cyber (((hugs)))
Pink

I agree with Pinkpony. Unfortunately it sounds like your H is not playing with a full deck. He sounds sick and twisted to the point where he enjoys seeing you so upset. You need to get out of what sounds like a very toxic relationship. See a lawyer and get details of what you should do, then once you are free of him, focus on healing yourself. See a therapist and work on getting back your soul and your self-worth. Hugs to you,

Thank you guys.

It is just confusing because he basically abandoned me... And when we do text he says he wants nothing to do with me.. And then says btw I want to pay your bills.

I think he is confused himself, I agree. It's just hard to cope with. I really thought he hated my guts. He abandoned me told me hated me, he regrets me .. And then "oh by the way I just want to b nice"

I know I am rambling just want to thank you Guys for listening

hang in there J.

I think perhaps he feels guilty, so he thinks if he helps you with the financial burden he won't feel as bad, or you won't go after his ass in court, just my opinion.

As far as the tug of war, don't feel alone. My husband does have a mental illness, diagnosed PTSD at least, but I can only imagine the untreated ones he has going on. When we would fight, he would do the same thing, say horrible mean things (that he would take back later, say he was only trying to get me to leave him alone) and then ask me what we were going to do for dinner? I would be shocked and say what part of, I want a divorce, means we are going out for a meal together? his response, well I still want you to be in my life, just maybe not in the capacity you want... just as my friend, and if you decide not to be in my life that is on you.. so I think in a way its blameshifting... like saying, I want to keep you in my life because I care about your well being, but I don't want to be committed to only you or married.. so a friendship would put you right where he wants you.. he is grasping for control

I don't know what kind of hands you put on your husband, but it seems that it is probably a good thing for now not to be together. I an guessing you are like me, and although the discovery of the affair was devastatingly painful enough, having this constant confusing tug of war is more numbing to me.

Keep your head up, you can PM anytime you want to vent or need an ear or friend.

jgarc i cant answer you no one probably reallyi can but him, its not easy dealing with this, why he did it, he is a sefish person, my wife and i would fight, seh claims i went overboard sometimes, and i would but everyoens situation is different, we fought cause she would no do anythign mutually like raise our kids, she wanted to do it her way and no other way, there was no happy medium for us to sit down and meet in the middle, i had to parent her way, or issues would break out, problem is her way of parenting was, letting them do what they want when they want, so she did not have to deal with them.

anyhow what i mean is the true underlying reason may neve be known, all we can do is move forward for ourselves and make ourselves the best we can be

Plan B - he probably wants to keep you as option plan B - his safety net.

Also, why ask u if you want to eat - I can only assume a cover story to go out, also to keep you as plan B cause he probably wasn't sure at the time he wanted to go on the dark side just 100% yet. So hey I'm going out - not doing crazy - just getting something to eat - if u did want to come along probably some other nonsense would come up.

They transfer the guilt onto when they do crazy - you want to limit the guilt of their crazy entry. Thats why you want to end things on your terms - not on his.

Hopefully (when your ready) the next person you meet you live and learn from this and are loved and can love.

I suspect he's just trying to make himself feel better about who he is. He sounds like a pathological narcissist, a person who only cares about how he appears to others and will play whatever part necessary to win approval. Somebody probably told him that he ought to be taking care of you in some way so he's living up to whatever expectation was placed on him to restore his image.

Thank you everyone. I am just having such a hard time dealing with everything. I feel so abandoned.

I am sorry he made you feel like that.

I can only assume he left you the way he did because he wanted you to feel abondoned.

There could be multiple reasons why he would want to do that.

One reason is because he's a selfish A hole and wants to keep you "down" - feeling bad and abondoned.

Feeling like crap - so that you don't feel like you deserve to be happy (or with someone) - that way he still has plan B to fall back in (you) - which again is completely selfish.

He may also feel like crap because what normal person would do that to another person unless inside themselves they are way messed up.

The best thing to do is to pick yourself up and move on to a higher place and then look down on "him" from that higher place - like you tried to do xyz to me - that didn't work - f u. I have now upgraded from your sorry butt.

Let him know - thanks for being pointless attempting to bring me down to your level. - that didn't work.

He can either rise up to your level or he can drift in the wind like the bad fart he is.

Run like H! The man is whacko!

Sounds like a wannabe narcissistic control freak. He wants the world to revolve around him but it doesn't. So he HAS to control what little he can. By bringing you down to and below his level AND keeping you there - he feels powerful.

ESCAPE! if you can handle things financially without his help...do it! Based on what you've told us, he'll hold it over your head if you accept his help.

Thank you guys, I know that at the long run, he did me favor. It just hurts you know, No one deserves to be left like that. I just feel such pain.