I guess you could say I did the 180 on steroids.

We did all the customary reconciliation stuff....books, MC, the whole enchilada...totally driven by me but seemingly bought into by CS. I was increasingly unhappy. I felt there was no "I get it" moment, MC seemed to want to focus on marriage issues like communication which made me feel somehow involved in the whole mess, which I knew I owned no part of, but then again it IS marital therapy and I felt our marriage was not the issue.

Then I stopped it, all of it. Cheating is and always will be a matter of character. It is about entitlement, unethical behavior and manipulation. I said "I am no longer attending MC, our marriage was not broken, you just broke your commitment, and that is a personal issue." I dumped the ball straight into his court and said play if you want, but I am outta this mess you created.

I then stepped back, worked on me, went to IC, started looking at my own goals and never brought up the A. I stepped back and watched. After the shock wore off, he made IC appointments, kept them and I started to see changes in his character....in his whole life, not just about cheater thinking.

If he brought up the A, I would listen, nod appropriately and say a few uh huhs along the way. I never drove another conversation. I simply went on living a life I wanted, a life of my own goals.

Was it hard? Yep. Did I slip up now and then? Yep. Did it work? Absolutely. He had to take ownership of his own junk.

We are 9 months post DDay, I did this around 4 months post DDay, so he has 5 months under his belt and I see many small changes and a few big ones. Time will tell, character change takes time and a lot of effort. It is too soon to tell if he is still in "let's see if this works to snag her back in line" thinking or if these are real substantial long term changes, but I will continue to stay in the background, live my life to its fullest and try to keep the slips to a minimum on my part.

Stayed tuned....there is far more to come in the years to follow. Right now, I am happier than I have been in 9 months. Every day is better and every day I am stronger for whatever comes my way.

HowCanThisBe....were you guys living together or did you separate during the time you decided to focus on yourself? It's only been 1 month since DDay. My H has been back and forth. Spent 1 1/2 weeks in a hotel and the rest of the time back in the house. I know he wants to stay in the house but I'm torn on what to do. I like it when he's here but not so sure it's good for me when I'm trying to move on. We went to 3 MC sessions together and I decided to stop the MC and just do IC. I wasn't seeing any effort on his part to work on the marriage. He is also going to IC. I feel the same way...it wasn't our marriage, it was him. I also feel that he hasn't "gotten it" yet. It is great to hear that someone is happy. Whether with their spouse or without them.

We never separated. If I were you, you might try moving to another part of the house...your own space, until you see him really invested and you feeling comfortable in the situation.

infidelityhelpgroup.com helped me a lot, they have articles, a forum and a live chat room....all were helpful to me.

I like Howcanthisbe's approach. I know that a lot of people regularly recommend the 180 but at its core it is highly manipulative. You can not control someone else's actions under any circumstances. EVER!

Should you move on with your life without concern for your cheater? You most definitely should but you should not do it in the hopes they will be scared by your changes. Like I said before your actions do not control the actions of other people. You can do the 180 or the 180 on steroids but do it for yourself. Have no delusions that it scares the cheater. They either want to make a change or they don't.

Take care of yourself, get your ducks in a row, please consult an attorney without telling your husband! Bottom line is he's got to want to figure this out on his own and he's got to want to do the things necessary to fix what he alone destroyed.

Howcanthisbe is right about something else-marriage counseling is the last thing you want to do after an affair because his affair had nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. He needs to read the books on his own, set up his own individual counseling sessions and be completely transparent to you without you asking. He has to do all of this without any guarantees that it's going to work out. He has to do this to help you heal.

Marriage counseling can come years later if you stay and want to make your union stronger but you did nothing to make him cheat; nor did you do anything to make the marriage 'vulnerable to an affair." Cheating is about entitlement and character. If someone is unhappy they can speak up and tell their spouse that. Cheating is the coward's way out and you taking part of the blame makes them self righteous in their beliefs.

Honestly, the reconciliation industrial complex has been writing books for years about all the things the betrayed spouse is supposed to do after their spouse is unfaithful and the success rate is not good for fully healed marriages. What's out there is a lot of people of who are just staying together because financially they feel trapped-if they're even given that chance. Then they go through 2nd and 3rd ddays because the only thing the cheater has learned is that you'll tolerate their crap.

If you take Howcanthisbe's advice you may find out that your cheater isn't up to the task but that's better than wasting more time with him and finding out after 2 or 3 more affairs.

Please visit www.chumplady.com

Thanks, Neverceases....sometimes I feel like a lone voice in the night.

All of you have some great input. I agree with neverceases about the fact the CS will continue the inappropriate behavior because we give them the license without consequences. I have been with my H for nearly 20 years and up until 5 years ago, I have caught him time and time again texting, sexting, talking and physically engaging with OW. HOnestly, I think has cheated on me since day one.. I have yet to leave because I fully believe in the union of marriage. Call me foolish but blind and stupid should be more appropriate. I do not stay for financial reasons but for attachment issues (i think). I love him (i think) and resent him (fully) for all he has done. Everyday is a struggle to keep my mouth shut and work towards a more peaceful marriage. I have to say, he is trying to make things work but I am not being helpful in some cases. Nevertheless, I don't like the fact that boredom was the prime factor to his disgusting acts. I believe their are more underlying issues and he refuses to seek IC. I can only provide resources but I feel if he doesn't find the root of the problem, it will not work between us regardless of how much he tries. The demon will always be knocking on his door and if he doesn't understand the root of his unhealthy and destructive character- he will be cheating again.

I'm not doing the 180 to get our marriage back. I'm doing it for me to be able to move on and heal and for me to get back control of my life. I have no expectations that he will "see the light" and want to work on our marriage. My main concern right now is me and doing what is best for me to move on.

I'm sorry you've gone through all of this. I'm praying for strength and wisdom for you today.

The 180 can work wonders for you personally. It also has an immense amount of potential to help your WS pull himself together and try to save the marriage. Are you currently seeing a counselor? A strong accountability/support system certainly doesn't hurt in these types of scenarios.

Have you read the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. Dobson? Really solid advice.

" I'm not doing the 180 to get our marriage back. I'm doing it for me to be able to move on and heal and for me to get back control of my life. I have no expectations that he will "see the light" and want to work on our marriage. My main concern right now is me and doing what is best for me to move on."

I just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you have the right perspective here, kudos to you for that. Too many times I have seen people either professing to have used the 180 to "convince" their spouse to work on the marriage, or recommending it to others as a way to "shock" their CS into changing or coming out of the fabled "fog."

It's very important after infidelity that you take care of yourself, make yourself a priority, and focus on your healing. Regardless of what happens next in the marriage. No one is guaranteed tomorrow in any relationship, let alone in life. Giving your all to yourself and making yourself a priority is so important. Again, sounds like you have the 100% right-on attitude in embracing the 180, and that, in the long run, will make for a positive outcome for you. Hugs to you, wishing you peace and strength.