I made it back to Texas in one piece, and have been quite productive on my week off. I finally got my Texas Driver's License, only took two trips to the DMV, and two two hour waits- but its behind me. I ordered the part that broke off my car- the warranty will replace it, so productive there as well.

And I started my third attempt to search for a counselor who can help me sort all of this mess out. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about continuing anti depressants or not, and to get a referral to see a counselor/psychiatrist (sp?:). I did some research and found several therapists covered by my insurance who are marrige and family therapists and also specialize in post traumatic stress disorder (this seemed important to me because my husband has been diagnosed with PTSD from his combat injuries and is getting out of the military for his injuries). I start college classes again next week, Chemistry and Developmental Psychology, and I go back to work.

I am still waiting to hear back from my Veterans Affairs job application, but so far haven't been turned down so thats better than nothing. I have made plans for myself for the next few days that are with my friends, and get me out of the house- so working on living with life and not letting it revolve around my husband's affair.

I haven't talked to any psychics since my husband found out that I had a little obsessions with it, and I came to you for support. I get the urge sometimes, but so far so good. I am working on putting myself first and keeping it that way. I have had some good talks with my husband, but thats all they are talks-- where I tell him how I feel, and he listens. He is sick and can barely talk, so its good to get things off my chest. We are starting to put our house together-- meaning working on clearing out rooms of things we don't need, organizing, etc. I used to be scared that this would be a sign that we are moving towards a divorce, but now its time to get the house in order. Either to be a home for us, or to be a home for someone else. I am starting to also focus on my health and like my mother in law wished am taking my vitamins, but am starting to feel better and hoping more energy comes.

In hindsight, looking back, since January 2nd, I feel like a different person. I don't cry when someone just asks me how I am doing, and I have a better handle on my emotions- although I admit, sometimes I cry a lot in private. I no longer have a desire to sleep my life away and honestly enough that dark place I was so long ago, is not one I am in now. I do fear with the holidays approaching, that I will be alone for them, I have one friend here- but otherwise this is my biggest fear. I hope my new counselor can help me deal with this or come up with a plan to help me get through them, without visiting a depressive, dark place again.

I used to think that my husband was the only person who would ever love me, or correction, could ever love me. I've realized, that I am quite lovable, and deserve to be someone's one and only. I expect that from my husband, and nothing less. I finally see that no matter how this turns out, I will be okay.

I apologize for the length of this, but just wanted to say I am still here, still moving forward, and starting to feel like myself again- but a newer, better version.

-Becca