Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I turn to my dailystrength friends today for some much needed advice, or really perhaps just an ear to listen to this crazy life folding out in front of me... So the last time I updated you I was standing up for my sanctuary-- I would not allow the other woman in, and I faced her face to face, was honest and nice to her, and she reared her ugly head, and showed me her true heartless ways. Drama insued- and within 24 hours my husband moved back home into our guest room, because the affair was "over."
She is the stage of obsessively contacting him, asking him to come see her, making him feel sorry for her, constantly texting and calling him and pressuring him to divorce me and return to her.
My reaction? Have her. If this is how you treat someone you love, I want no part. I go home, take a bath and fall asleep from pure emotional exhaustion. I have read text messages that were so vulgar a porn star would blush-- and I said, I finally have the truth-- and he says thats not the truth, he doesn't mean it (lie). I call him a liar when he says the are only friends, he gets upset, says he already feels like crap and guilty.
At this point, he has asked for time and space. I am not arguing. I don't text him, I don't call him, I ignore him. But wow, my heart is breaking, all over again. How crazy is it to have this man that I have loved for 10 years, in a separate room? He comes to kiss me goodnight and holds my hands when we are in the car-- but its like a ghost of the man I used to know. He is so stupid too-- it was his birthday last week, she painted him a picture- and gave him a card calling him the man of her dreams, her soulmate, and her lover-- like isn't that evidence? And you just leave it out for me to see?
I miss how our marriage used to be, and right now, even though he is home and taking control back of his life, I am not very hopeful about things. I don't want to jump to conclusions and run and file papers. I just want to be left alone, to heal, to say as long as she is in your life I cannot be. He says its going to take time to separate from her- that she isn't taking no for an answer-- but its like, obviously, you haven't decided if you want me or you want her, and I think I deserve better, but wow, I thought the hurting was over-- but now its like reliving it all over again. I am tired of being the only one fighting, and he doesn't seem to be fighting at all. Its been almost six months since this nightmare started, does it get better? Am I holding on to something I should let go?
She is the stage of obsessively contacting him, asking him to come see her, making him feel sorry for her, constantly texting and calling him and pressuring him to divorce me and return to her.
My reaction? Have her. If this is how you treat someone you love, I want no part. I go home, take a bath and fall asleep from pure emotional exhaustion. I have read text messages that were so vulgar a porn star would blush-- and I said, I finally have the truth-- and he says thats not the truth, he doesn't mean it (lie). I call him a liar when he says the are only friends, he gets upset, says he already feels like crap and guilty.
At this point, he has asked for time and space. I am not arguing. I don't text him, I don't call him, I ignore him. But wow, my heart is breaking, all over again. How crazy is it to have this man that I have loved for 10 years, in a separate room? He comes to kiss me goodnight and holds my hands when we are in the car-- but its like a ghost of the man I used to know. He is so stupid too-- it was his birthday last week, she painted him a picture- and gave him a card calling him the man of her dreams, her soulmate, and her lover-- like isn't that evidence? And you just leave it out for me to see?
I miss how our marriage used to be, and right now, even though he is home and taking control back of his life, I am not very hopeful about things. I don't want to jump to conclusions and run and file papers. I just want to be left alone, to heal, to say as long as she is in your life I cannot be. He says its going to take time to separate from her- that she isn't taking no for an answer-- but its like, obviously, you haven't decided if you want me or you want her, and I think I deserve better, but wow, I thought the hurting was over-- but now its like reliving it all over again. I am tired of being the only one fighting, and he doesn't seem to be fighting at all. Its been almost six months since this nightmare started, does it get better? Am I holding on to something I should let go?
Needless to say, he spent the next six months getting his ducks in a row (supposedly ended it with her but kept in contact through other means) and then left me and the kids for her. I should have kicked his A-- out at the very beginning, but I didn't.
Please, please do what you feel is right so you do not question any of your actions. I think that marriages can work after cheating, but it needs to come from both parties wholeheartedly. If he is not willing to end it and stringing her along too, watch your back and your emotions. Only you know what you can handle and put up with.
Hugs for finding peace. I know what you are going through.
silliesuzie, thanks for the encouragement!! Yes, I just finished my bachelors degree, but am starting my pre-reqs for Nursing school in the Fall and hoping to do an acclerated BSN next year, maybe even considering to become a nurse practitioner if I can stomach all that school and all those student loans. I too feel like its getting to be a deal breaker to me. I find myself distancing more and more with each passing day. It's like I am on a diving board, getting ready to jump. This sounds silly but I am 9 1/2 years in and my husband is going through a medical board for the military and will be getting out in January, but it just so happens that January is also our 10 years of marriage, and the 10 year mark of me being married to him while in the military. Does it make me a bad person for telling myself that I'll give it another six months, and at that point if I walk away, atleast I am entitled to a healthcare package and half of his retirement benefits from the military?
It was discovered and it ended, found out there was still contact 'but he wasn't seeing her' didn't matter to me the contact was driving me crazy. I was on my knees and I couldn't be for my children, he had no right, then I found out he'd seen her, gone to her becasue we'd had an arguement. I told him there and then you either want me or your 'friendship' with her, go away and decide.
He went to his Dads told me he wanted us, obviously telling her the same thing and she thought I was the ex. Well eventually we got to the stage where he finally ended it with her, over a period of days there was this e-mail communication but he was staying strong then suddenly he sent a nice friendly e-mail and I knew he couldn't stop, for me then it was right to end it. So I filed for divorce.
He was free to be with her and he was, although not if you asked him, turned out the relationship wasn't fun then and she wanted more and questioned him talking to other women, where he was, etc...
Meantime I was healing, I couldn't be near him at first it just hurt to much and was destroying me then we get to the stage of talking again and we both wanted to give it another go. We did a lot of talking and I laid down some terms including all contact stops. He wanted a week, why because his mate was getting her some shoes he would need to pass on. I told him give her his number, I'll buy the shoes off your mate if I have to or simply tell her tough as he so oftern says shit happens. He had said he didn't feel it would work while he was still working there (both work at same place), didn't matter to me where ever he worked he could be in contact with her and the trust would be at a low to be rebuilt. It didn't matter when we started dating, rebuilding or what if we were working towards that she had to be out the picture.
Next morning I got the text to say he'd done 2 out of the 3 things I'd ask, the third getting anew job is been worked on. This time it was over, I knew all the contact that she made after and what was said and there was only a little and his responses were non existent or appropriate. 9months later we are back together I feel happy and realised yesterday I actually feel carefree, it's not been easy but it's worth it.
You can't control the other person but your husband can block her number, bin her gifts, write a letter for her to leave him alone or further action will be taking and this is where he shows where his loyalties lie. In the meantime you do look after number 1, stay 6 months if it sees you better off finacially but not at the cost of your sanity. You do reach a point, when I filed for the divorce I was ready to go for it becuase I realised even if he did want me it wasn't enough to stop the contact.
I've gone on, what I really want to say is do what's right for you and only you know what that is. Sometimes it's hard to be honest with ourselves and admit what that is though. It's hard to be a 100% on a decision like this but you will know its the admiting it that's hard. I couldn't wait for him to decide that's why he had to go then he was destroying me emotionally, mentally and physically. Then I couldn't have him coming back knowing he couldn't stop, I knew loving him meant letting go.
It sounds like he continues to stick the knife in and turn it. But you let him do it. If things aren't working with The Slut, let him cool his heels at a Motel Six. There is no way you can heal with him around.
He is a dumbass of epic proportions. You can do sooo much better.
I am very sorry that you have to go through this. I am going through almost the exact thing.
My H is having an affair with a girl from another state. She is now here. He left me to stay with her. He went to his parents. The worst part is that his parents have let her stay as well. So, they are "living together " in his parents house.
I would be the only one calling/texting. He tells me he doesn't know what to do? He loves us both and can't decide right now what he wants. I have told him I won't decide for him. He has to tell me it's over.
The OW called me and we had a screaming fight on the phone.
She tells me that, according to him, I beg him to call and come over.
I don't want to be that person. I have decided unless it is an emergency or something to do with the kids, I am not calling anymore.
I am furious. I would also like to know if I should let him go or hold on as well.
We've been married 26 years. So much at stake to lose.