Heather, our stories are so similar. Right down to the length of the relationship and the feelings of not knowing which way to go. I think there is pain no matter what you choose. I really wanted to give my CS another chance and was willing to work on forgiveness of his multiple A's As long as he kept counseling and working on changing. However, he could not let go of his feelings for this last OW, and that is what finally told me that D is the only way I can be ok. I was still stuck in a triangle between my H and the OW otherwise. He is struggling not to contact, thinking of her, and having ambivilence about whether he is truly over her. If your husband is truly willing to change, NC with his affair partner, and will dedicate himself to counseling and rebuilding, then maybe you have a chance. You are the only one that will know this. I know there is hard work and pain either way. I can say the decision to D did not take away the anger and indignation of what my CS did to me and my family. You will find in time what you can and can not recover from. give yourself time, and keep up the good work!

Right Suz. Divorce doesn't change the healing process. Divorce is not easy, as it stands on its own.

Divorce is hard as hell. Reconciling is hard as hell.

Sending you support, L~

thanks girls. I told him that I will try as long as there is NC and I am sick of tracking him....took the thing off his phone it only gave me anxiety. He does call when he gets to work and at lunch and when he leaves to come home from the office phone. But I dont want to spend my years doing that. He has answered all the questions. We did it by text so I would not be so emotional. I feel that he was honest and there was some I shouldnt have asked but needed to know and he is listening to the councilor because before the hard ones he asked are you sure it wont be too painful for you. I am just so worried because I didnt know. If I decide we have agreed to do a lie detector test every 6 months to a year. I only want it to be on the present of what is going on....none of the past dday. We are going to each talk with our IC to see what they say. It would give me peace of mind. I dont know!

Can't say for certain one way or the other but for me, no, it did not make the pain go away quicker. If anything, it made it more difficult in the short-term because I was not only dealing with the infidelity and crush that my self-esteem took, but then added a divorce and grieving my marriage on top of it. Then my ex went and got knocked up by the guy before our divorce was final so add that on top of it.

I will say, however, that prolonging the inevitable does not help either. I could have and should have filed months before I did, but I fought and fought for something that wasn't there to fight for in the first place. If you have even entertained the thought of divorce, then it is probably the path you are headed down and is most likely your best path to healing. I know that the sooner you start down the path to recovery, the sooner you can reach that point.

But no, either way, it is not easy and so far as whether it helps you recover quicker...not sure. It all depends on the person, situation and how much you do to make that recovery happen.

Best of luck to you!

How long has it been since the affair? I know for me its taken two years to get over it, trust him, and be able to go all day without thinking about it. But guess what? He just started another affair so all my hard work forgiving and forgetting is down the crapper. Anyways, my point is it takes time, a lot of time. And divorce will definitely not shorten the painful process. Sounds like your husband is doing everything he can to earn your trust back. Hang in there, it gets better.

mandi its been about 3 months since dday. One day I want to work on it and the next I dont. I am sick of feeling like this....I am or was a very organized controlled person not this mess that cries and has all these mood swings. I guess its a day by day thing.

heather - guess I didn't realize it was so short after D-day. I guess all you can do for now is to just take it one day at a time until you start to get a feeling one way or the other. 3 months is not much time so you are definitely still in a phase where you are trying to process it all, including your feelings and whether it is worth it to continue.

Hang in there, it does get better and you will get a clearer picture of what you want to do. his actions will play a huge part in that of course so keep a close eye on that.

The IC and MC are a good idea as well. That will give you a lot of insight as to your feelings and his and maybe an idea of exactly what the issues at hand were (besides his cheating).

As soon as I found out I ended it - but he was already verbally, mentally and occasionally physicall abusive so I thought if I accepted his infidelity his treatment of me would only get worse. He also wasnt sorry to start with, he was trying to say it was my fault he had to go looking for love elsewhere. When he decided he wanted to try again, our kids asked me to get rid of him because he was mean to them as well. It has been really hard emotionally (a lot of grief) and now he is angry with me (my mum says its because he wanted to have his cake and eat it) and behaving like a complete tool but one day I hope the kids and I will be free of him and we will be happy. I couldnt have stayed though because I know he have thought he could get away anything then.

Like Lstecker said, both paths are hard as hell and regardless of the path you take, you have to go through the stages of grief and have to go through the steps of healing.

Experts recommend waiting six months to make a decision. This is because you are going to be on a rollercoaster of highs and lows and it isn't until many months have passed that you will truly know how you feel.

Having said that, my personal experience is that leaving allows you to heal quicker than staying. I think it is because the whole relationship is over, and you are not having to try to reconcile the betrayal with a continued but altered relationship.

Thank you for all your support. Well we have a agreement that he calls me when he gets to work from office at lunch and when he leaves. On Sat. we had the discussion about the lie detector test and I said that we should discuss this in the IC because I dont want to have to track him daily. I dont want to live my life like that I hate it. He took that as we were done checking in. I am so angry this morning that I want him leave again. I will let the checking in slide but when I texted him he texted me and when I told him I was upset He said he was busy at work and would text me later. Well he has time at work when he needs it he is the general manager and the only time he doesnt is when his district manager is there and he wasnt this morning. It was his choice. So I am hurt, angry, and totally all over the place. Sorry about venting!

"" Can't say for certain one way or the other but for me, no, it did not make the pain go away quicker. If anything, it made it more difficult in the short-term because I was not only dealing with the infidelity and crush that my self-esteem took, but then added a divorce and grieving my marriage on top of it. Then my ex went and got knocked up by the guy before our divorce was final so add that on top of it.

I will say, however, that prolonging the inevitable does not help either. I could have and should have filed months before I did, but I fought and fought for something that wasn't there to fight for in the first place. If you have even entertained the thought of divorce, then it is probably the path you are headed down and is most likely your best path to healing. I know that the sooner you start down the path to recovery, the sooner you can reach that point. "

Couldn't have said it better.

I technically threw my wife out and am suing for divorce. She had been emotionally cheating on me for several years (and I suspect physically once or twice).

She keeps sending mixed signals that she doesn't acknowledge and then reminds me that "I" sent her divorce papers (actually a property settlement agreement, setting the stage).

She has been having sex, yet calls me for small talk. I keep telling her we have nothing to discuss, yet a week or two later she will do it again, as if she is calling a girlfriend. She doesn't have any female friends. I know her mental illness is to blame, but it doesn't get easy.

Anyway, yes. It is difficult, even for the party who is initiating the divorce. Maybe even more so, in my case.

I've been reading the posts for 6 months. A few BS seem to indicate that they have worked really hard and arrived at a comfortable place in their marriage after a few years.

But the vast majority who try to work it out report something different. Oftentimes, the BS reports that the trust is crushed and they just can't look at the CS anymore without thinking about what he or she did. It just isn't the same, not even close.

Others have reported that they worked really hard to get to a place of healing, only to find out that the cheater is cheating again. Apparently the old cliche, "once a cheater alwyas a cheater" is well supported by the facts.

I'm going through with a divorce and it is a terrible process. My attorney, who has been doing this for 30 years, wrote the word "Happiness" on a piece of paper and handed it to me. He said you lose alot in divorce, but you gain the possibility of happiness. He told me that he knows from personal experience as well as 3 decades of watching other people.

I hope you find happiness.

Gopod luck in whatever you decide to do.