It really sucks that this happened to you, but keep going to counseling and don't make any decisions or promises until you can think straight. Start making plans for financial stability if you rely on him financially, and just try to stay busy. Find a hobby that you enjoy with new people and try to keep your mind off of everything as much as possible, which right now is more than likely never. Try to sleep and eat healthy and spend time with your children if you have them.

Loving him doesn't mean you should be with him. Love yourself. It sounds like he is a serial. Heater and needs extensive therapy to work through it and you should really think with your head and not your heart right now.

It's great that your focusing on ic and staying separate when possible. It seems like time is what you need. I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you found ds.

*serial cheater* Not Heater

Thanks I am just so lost right now. I have always been a strong person and the one everyone leans on so this makes me so mad that I didnt just kick him to the curb. we have been married for 20 years but mostly together since I was 14 (am 42 now). We have 4 children a 20,19,18,15 year old and the 2 youngest live at home full time and the older 2 at college. I work full time but he makes a lot more than me and I have already talked to a lawyer and I would be ok. we would have to sell the house but I dont really care because he brought ow there. He acts like just because he says he is sorry I should be ok he is trying and forgive. I really didnt want him to leave but feel that if I didnt make him then what consequence would he have had. I am just so mad at myself for wanting him.

Your story is very much like mine. i was 16 when I met my H and we have been together for a long time. Same thing, serial cheater and I found out about them all at the same time. My H is very remorseful, but it does not take away the fact that he cheated many times.Some people are narcissistic and able to separate their lives into two compartments. One is the loyal devoted husband, who takes care of the family. The other is out there looking for excitement of new connections and the thrill of secrecy. They never expect the two worlds to collide. Unfortunately when they do, it is like a nuclear explosion. You can not blame yourself in any way. You did not ask for this, it was brought to your door step. Keep going to counseling and find something that makes you feel better and is good for you. This is a big trauma in your life. It will take time to find a new normal.
The book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass is often mentioned here and it is a great resource for you to help you understand your feelings are normal, and you will get through this......

thank you sillysuzie. I have read lots but doesnt seem to match mine. He had a long term and many short term and how did i not know. I found out at once too. I have ordered a few books that is one of them should be here tomorrow . what did you do? did you stay?

No, I could not. We have been apart 6 months. He was really ambivalent at the beginning, and kept an A going for a couple of months after we broke up. He has changed his tune 150% since then! He is in counseling, and has full realization of the damage that his cheating caused. Do not beat yourself up about not knowing. You did not know because he is a skilled liar. I understand your feelings still being there. You have been with this man for your whole life. It probably had never occurred to you that he would cheat because if you are like me, you NEVER would! Before you can even decide about the future, you need to work out the why of his actions and work on healing yourself and your family. We were worth not cheating on! That is something a good friend said to me that sticks with me.......

I think that we just get so comfortable being around the same person that we become blind to what,s really happening. Sorry to say but I think he gave up on your relationship a long time ago. His remorse has led him from one affair to another taking advantage of all the women, not just you. Not trying to stick up for the other women, especially if they knew he was married, however, he is also abusing them and using them. You do not deserve to be treated with this kind of disrespect. Be careful because you could waste the rest of your life listening to his lies. He,s apparently really good about showing how sorry he is only to do it again. Another woman in your house, working for him ect.,ect.,ect., Sounds like a long term relationship to me. Please try to think about your happiness and what is good for your life. That could mean without him.

Silly my one main concern is the financial. I would have a really good life for 5 yrs but after that it would be a struggle and I feel that even if I decide I dont want to stay should I til I get all the children through college and then I wouldnt have to worry about the money. I dont know. I know I love him but dont think I can ever forgive. That is where I am at.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My situation is similar in that my H engaged in random sleaze beginning about our 11th yr of marriage and I didn't discover anything til yr. 23, about a yr ago.

Let me just say first off, that it is too soon for you to make a decision. Don't pressure yourself.
I admit that having a son still in high school, and having an elderly father who adores my H were probably the deciding factors in my deciding to stay and work on the marriage. It's ok to let that be yours right now, as long as the rest of you isn't 'screaming' to get out.
Please pick up the book 'Not Just Friends', and both of you read it. She gives very good advice in saying that if both partners want to try, you should give it a best effort for at least 3 mos.

I know everyone goes through their own personal hell, but the depth of deception & feeling that so MANYyears were 'stolen' from you is perhaps toughest of all. I've made it clear to H that if I'd discovered what he did 14 yrs ago, I'd have divorced him.( Initially there was a computer chat room incident with no other physical activity. I found out all this time later that a few months after that one, he started going to massage parlors.)
By his deception, he took that choice away from me Our life & marriage was a lie. I could've moved on to something else and he robbed me of it. I'm sure you must have similar feelings.

These next months are important to exploring how you really feel about him, and he you, and if you can build something new and better.
As for the working out, I totally get how you feel about that...how can he do that at such a time. But men tend to process things differently and he may have needed the release. I know my H still did/does this rather than sit and stew and give in to his guilt/depression, and sometimes anger. I've said and done things that I know make him angry, hurt, even scared. All justified, mind you, but those emotions/reactions are still there and working out is an outlet rather than come back at us with more negativity, hurt or confusion. I hope that makes sense.

I started working out and it does help a lot with the stress. So, as long as you are seeing what you need in other ways, don't begrudge the workouts. That said, If you feel you REALLY need him to not go sometimes, say so. He should be doing everything he can to help you through right now, so he should agree.

14 mos. after Dday I can tell you that H has shown sincere commitment and things are pretty good. I still have so much pain to get through and some days I think it will win, but those days are few amongs the others that are good, and loving.
I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, don't rush it.
Hugs,
Cross

I also wanted to add that this entire time, I've also had a 'Plan B' so that if I find myself needing to leave, I can in a heartbeat. Having this enables me to breathe easy and focus on what I really 'want', not just doing what I 'have' to do.

My H also had one long term and multiple one night/short term affairs. I didn't know at first but got my suspicions something was wrong about the same time lt affair was starting. I didn't want to believe it at first but started some "researching" and found out about all of them. And I'm with you on the financial worries, that's what I've been thinking about lately too. Another thing I agree with you is the whole love him but can't forgive thing, feeling the same. You're not alone, stay strong.
Just wanted to ask, did you tell your kids about the A? If yes, what were their opinions?

This sound a lot like my situation. The pain is unbelievable, hang in there. "Not Just Friends" has been a great book for me to read. Everyone has told me about the "180". There is an article about that here somewhere... it was helpful. Give yourself time to process everything. Also, check out the "Rebuilding Marriage after infidelity" board here on DS. It has also been helpful for me. I also found a local BAN (Beyond Affairs Network)support group that I went to for the first time last week. I still feel like I want to save my marriage if possible, but I am also trying to mentally/financially prepare myself if it can't be saved. I told my H that I love him, but that doesn't mean I am going to live with him/stay married if he isn't committed to changing this behavior and rebuilding our marriage. We have 3 kids at home and I think I would've had him move out immediately if it wasn't for them.

yes My oldest son had heard it and asked my sister. He just didnt know who with. When my sister told me then I started looking. Then it started trickling down from kid to kid and he told them that it was true and took responsiblity. My oldest is really angry and not talking much. The second to oldest tried to play the middle man and wanted to know he was there for both of us(which caused the other kids to argue with him) They are both at college and seem to call me daily or every other day. The girls are angry. The oldest girl doesnt say much to either of us and the yougest of all has no filter to her dad and everything i leave to go anywhere out of ordinary gets nervous. So thats my life so to speak. I have been having panic attacks and am leaving work early today to go to dr. I hate to say it but I am glad these feelings are normal.

Well Heather, so sorry you are going thru this, but glad you are here! Just remind your selfish H, that this has huge ramifications on the kids, and don't let him forget it!
Yeah, amazing, mine worked out, and went to work, and slept like a baby! Weird, they bring all this crap to your doorstep, and then we are the ones worrying, crying, obsessing about kids, money, and the future, and they go on their merry life.

It is particularly abrasive, when you find out they had the audacity to bring the OW into your home, physically! Just makes it that much worse.

It sounds like you still love him, and I suppose he should count his lucky stars, that he is still there. He needs to get to individual counseling too, I would make that a pre-requisite if he is to stay at the house. WE learn so dang often, that it involves work people, and that makes ya suffer, and wonder big time, cuz they have to work, and yet you wonder if they will substitute out another new woman! He may be remorseful, but he should be. One sign for me, was my H, was working out! HOw nice that he takes time for his physique, so that he can feel better about his body, while he's screwing some sleazebag! And even if that sleazebag didn't know he was married (I'm guessing she did know), then he lied to her effortlessly too! A bad scenario!

But, I do agree with some of the posters. Don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision. Allow yourself that 3-6 month period to see what settles in the dust! You have so much history together! Some people finally get to that place, that after they tried with all their heart, due to history, and your 4 kids, that they just can't deal with a serial cheater, who is going to plan to continue with his serial cheating. If he is a sex addict, or addicted to the thrill of having extra-marital sex, and the secrets, and the suposed "love affair" and the fog, you should be able to see it.

It's one thing to be remorseful, after you are caught, and cuz you know there's a chance of losing the great life he had with you and your kids....but if he had come clean on his own....I'd be more hopeful. NOw he's destroyed trust, respect, and his future, all for what?

But do start an alternative back-up plan, just in case in 6 months or so, you decide you are better than this, and deserve better than this! This way you may have a few bucks put aside to start out your new life. It would take months anyway to sell the house, close on it, get an attorney for divorce, etc. So if he remains a jerk, you may want to start looking just to see what it costs as you downsize a place for you and the 2 younger kids. The market is great now, and so is the interest rate for buyers, the sad news, however is for sellers, you lose so much due to de-valuation of the houses. Mine took a 33% drop from 7 years ago.

Educate yourself. Get to counseling, read here, and learn from many of us, as to what we've gone thru. REad the post about doing the "180", and consider doing that now. It doesn' mean you are deciding a darn thing about separation, divorce, or staying, and learn about "hysterical bonding" having sex like crazy to reclaim your Man. Ask a bunch of questions, and make as many posts as you feel necessary, it's free! And hopefully you will find, that you are not going crazy, but being a normal wife, who is experiencing huge chaos, due to a stupid partner, who didn't foresee it, or didn't give a damned!

Give yourself time, and treat yourself well. Eat properly, try to sleep and hydrate, take a few walks, and just make sure that you are taking care of yourself, cuz this is/will be a very trying time. WE liken it to death, cuz it's the death of the marriage and the man, you thought he was. Things are different now, and you may want to beat yourself up, for not seeing the signs, but don't! He just got better at playing his "infidelity game", and he ain't the first or the last! Good luck sweetie, and we'll see ya around!