Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Two years ago in March was when I first found out my husband was cheating on me. We’ve been together for 12 years married for 7, I always knew he craved attention but never believed he would actually act on it. I had found him on dating sites previously and found some deleted text messages, I called him out on it and he made up entire stories. That night in March I caught him lying about where he was and found the text messages in his phone and called his “girlfriend” he begged to stay, agreed to stop talking to her, agreed to a tracking app and restrictions on his phone. Over the months I found that he was still finding ways to talk to her. One night we were put together staying out of town. He took off when I found the secret text app on his phone. He ran to her again, I confronted both of them and he sent me away. I went home the next morning to find both of them in my home and in my bed. He again begged and pleaded to come back. I took him Back and found out after a month he was still talking to her. This time I found his secret email account and other accts. I learned that he had been lying to me for our whole relationship and that there were too many people to count that he had online relationships with. He would email craigslist personal adds (male or female) he would join and message on dating sites. He just happened to run into this woman (he knew her from a dating site for years) and she took him home. He used different names and photos, he told her who he was the day after they hooked up and she agreed to continue seeing him even though he was married. She was the only physical affair I know of bc he always stated that he was married and the other either wanted his wife involved or for him to be separated.
I now have all the facts (or most) I’ve spoken to this woman and others. I’ve put more restrictions on all online devices. We are now going on almost two years, I don’t think he’s been able to speak to her or the others for about a year and half. He seems to try most days. He says that he’s a changed person, but he’s a very convincing liar. Says a lot of the right things....but I’m still so hurt and angry. When he drinks, he appears to have no empathy st all and I’m concerned he would go home with anyone. I feel like a broken shell of who I was- I don’t trust him, but I still love him and our daughter adores him. I have no idea how I’m supposed to believe anything he says and I probably can’t expect him to have all of these restrictions on his internet forever. The thought of ever not having them send me into a panic attack, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve only ever wanted my family and I can’t imagine hurting my daughter....
Your husband, if you call him that, is a serial cheater and has repeatedly found new ways around your restrictions.
Restrictions are for peace of mind but do nothing to promote change.
Boundaries and consequences are what keep you from taking him back over and over.
At this point all you are doing is caging a feral animal that will never be tame.
He has no interest in changing. He just wants a wife to keep the home and raise the daughter while he goes and does whatever he wants with other women.
I'm not really sure why you love him or if you really do. Perhaps it is fear of being alone or being a single mother, which is tough. Either way, you allowing him to come back time after time again is enabling him.
Serial cheaters are just as they are named and of the few varieties of cheaters that actually change I wouldn't bet on them.
As was mentioned, perhaps you are attached to the idea of being married or have created some fiction around your relationship and him being a father. The fact is, he's probably found some way to still get in a little taste of cheating somehow. He's proven that he can't remain faithful. The fact that you found them out, he sent you away and then immediately brought the woman home and had sex with her in your bed gobsmacked me right into the next century. I'm literally at a loss to dream up something more disrespectful than than. And for him to crawling right out of bed with her and start begging for more chances is nothing short of insane. That you still took him back after that demonstrates that you truly have no bottom. Ask yourself what it would take for you to actually call it quits.
All the limitations you are putting on him is you fooling yourself into thinking you can control another person's behavior. Why would you even consider living this way? You seem to be a caring, forgiving, decent woman. He's going to keep doing what he's doing, if not today then tomorrow, because that's the way he is.
You need to get some help to understand why you are abusing yourself this way. At this point, he's not doing it to you. You're doing to yourself by staying with a man who obviously can't be trusted. Drinking lowers ones inhibitions. People don't lie when they're drunk. They tell the truth because of the lowered inhibitions. The old adage that 'it's the alcohol talking' is untrue. When he drinks, that's your opportunity to get glimpse into his soul.
Forward motion is bang on. First he is a serial cheater and not remorsefull, he was just sorry he got caught and for better at the lying and hiding.
Maybe he changed its possible in 1.5 year, however if he didn't go in therapy he might not have changed.
My therapist gave me a very interesting insight yesterday as I too kept/keep my boyfriend on an extremely short leash. She said however that that's not going to work for us BS in the long run.
Keeping a short leash doesn't stimulate our CS to change, it just stimulates them to do what we tekl them to do and it stimulates them to hide things even better if they still truly want to cheat.
She said to if a cheater wants to cheat he will find a way weather or not you keep them short.
Each time we give them our restrictions though it just gives us a temporary peace of mind, but that's the thing, temporary! it doesn't work and it sure doesn't help us to rebuild trust, it may feel as if it helps us, but it doesn't help is CS to move forward.
I so understand your urge to keep his leash short, and I cant tell you if he will g cheat or not when you let the leash a little shorter. but if you do truly want to reconcile, we have to let this controlling behaviour we have developed go.
I looked at muy counselor easier said than done, and it brings anxiety, but she suggest to breath through the anxiety and listen to that small part of your brain that knows that you cant cage someone. He needs to learn from his mistakes, he needs to get counseling to help him get a better person and not make these poor choices again. Based on your story I cant say for sure if yours wouldn't stray again, he has proven wrong several times before. But YOU wont heal and move forward this way.
You cant cage him forever. Slowly let the leash go a little and see what he does. how is his behaviour? is he open and honest now? like in all passwords etc? is he in therapy? are you in couples counseling?
I know this is so easy said, and tonight is the first night Im forcing myself not to look at my phone to track where exactly he is, I keep myself busy tonight on this site. its really tough, but it made so much sense what my therapist said.
Good luck, I hope he's worthy of you considering reconciling.
I’ve known him since he was 8, I’m extremely close to his family, and we have so many good times together. We really are best friends, we share common goals, hobbies, and actually enjoy each other’s company. That’s what makes this so hard, I want to believe that the good will outweigh the bad, that he can change- he’s just proven me wrong every single time. Trusting him Seems impossible, but I know that I can’t live this way either. I find myself questioning whether or not it’s better to stay or not...I’m still not sure what that answer is.
I too am married to a liar. I may never fully trust my CH 100% but I am no longer obsessed with checking his every move. If he blows it, I'm outta here and he knows this to be true.
The likelihood of him continuing his behavior is extremely high and you are already at the brink in terms of staying in this marriage.
If he refuses to pursue a postnup with an infidelity clause then you can be sure he is, or is planning on cheating again.
Basically a test to see if he'll put his money where his mouth is. (There is no double entendre)
I got one and my CH readily agreed to it. I requested spousal support for life, 1/2 of all assets including pension and 401K, agreed that the family home would be sold and established that must be done at fair market value (to prevent a "fire sale" where I could lose a lot of the value). There is an infidelity clause where my CH would lose an asset (a big one) if he was unfaithful. My child is grown so there was no child support or education issue in my case. I will admit it gives me a great deal of piece of mind.
Oh, and you have to be specific about what you consider infidelity to be. Because cheaters, yeah. "But you didn't SAY live webcams with teenage girls was CHEATING". So I listed physical, emotional, electronic, telephonic etc as being cheating.