Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
This is a bit of a vent, and a bit of a poll on what to do.
As some of you know, back in June when the OM kept trying to contact my W, I finally sent him an email. That email and his response is in my journal. The bottom line is it appeared I accomplished what I wanted to do, get him to back off. He promised to not contact my wife again.
Now, I knew that might not stick. The temptation for OP is to wait a few months then test the waters. See if the vigilance of the BS has died off, and if the CS is still open to reconnecting. This is even more true since he is a single guy, and apparently doesn't see too many women. I'm sure he's been pining over her ever since she broke communication with him.
Strictly speaking, he kept his word. But not the spirit of the letter. My wife cleans the house of a client in his neighborhood. That means when she's there, he can drive by and see her car. That was the source of the last contact, because he left a note on her car to come visit him at his house around the corner. Which she didn't follow those instructions. And when she told me about it, that's when I sent that email to him.
Recently she changed the days she cleans this house from Monday to Wednesday. The last time, her client (who knows the man) said the OM had his car stopped in the road next to hers and just staring into it, before he drove off. My W didn't see it, just was told he'd done that. She didn't find a note or anything, however.
But a week later, when she was packing up to come home, he had parked in his car down the street as if waiting for her to come out. She got in her car and pulled out. He followed her. Originally she was going to to go Sonic for a drink, but decided instead to head straight home. At one point he drove slowly by her, I guess making sure she saw, but he didn't look at her.
We concluded that he was testing the waters, seeing if she would pull off somewhere so they could talk. She was freaked out as she'd never been stalked like that before. And it had been over two months since any serious contact had been made with him.
She did all the right things, thankfully. But now I'm wondering if her not stopping to chat with him will send him the message its certainly over or if this is just the beginning of further attempts to reestablish contact with her. I hope not.
But in the case it is, any advice on what I should do if he persists? Thanks.
As some of you know, back in June when the OM kept trying to contact my W, I finally sent him an email. That email and his response is in my journal. The bottom line is it appeared I accomplished what I wanted to do, get him to back off. He promised to not contact my wife again.
Now, I knew that might not stick. The temptation for OP is to wait a few months then test the waters. See if the vigilance of the BS has died off, and if the CS is still open to reconnecting. This is even more true since he is a single guy, and apparently doesn't see too many women. I'm sure he's been pining over her ever since she broke communication with him.
Strictly speaking, he kept his word. But not the spirit of the letter. My wife cleans the house of a client in his neighborhood. That means when she's there, he can drive by and see her car. That was the source of the last contact, because he left a note on her car to come visit him at his house around the corner. Which she didn't follow those instructions. And when she told me about it, that's when I sent that email to him.
Recently she changed the days she cleans this house from Monday to Wednesday. The last time, her client (who knows the man) said the OM had his car stopped in the road next to hers and just staring into it, before he drove off. My W didn't see it, just was told he'd done that. She didn't find a note or anything, however.
But a week later, when she was packing up to come home, he had parked in his car down the street as if waiting for her to come out. She got in her car and pulled out. He followed her. Originally she was going to to go Sonic for a drink, but decided instead to head straight home. At one point he drove slowly by her, I guess making sure she saw, but he didn't look at her.
We concluded that he was testing the waters, seeing if she would pull off somewhere so they could talk. She was freaked out as she'd never been stalked like that before. And it had been over two months since any serious contact had been made with him.
She did all the right things, thankfully. But now I'm wondering if her not stopping to chat with him will send him the message its certainly over or if this is just the beginning of further attempts to reestablish contact with her. I hope not.
But in the case it is, any advice on what I should do if he persists? Thanks.
The last situation went into stalking.
I say get a No Contact order or talk to the cops to see if there is anything stronger.
I'm glad your wife stood by her word and did some things to help you rebuild trust!
Sure the cops showing up on his door step would be a deterrent. If he works in their jurisdiction and the cops have an inkling that it is a just call on your part and really want to scare him they will go to his place of work and get his side. Either way you have the police report and if he continues it cannot be misconstrued as leading him on. Again let the cops handle it, that is what they are there for.
-Sending support
No offense taken. I actually wondered to myself yesterday (I forgot to make it clear this happened yesterday) whether what she says happened. I mean, how do I know she didn't pull off the road and have a conversation with him? How do I know her heart was really racing and she was scared as he followed her as she told me?
Well, bottom line is I don't know for sure. But, my gut says she's telling the truth. In part because I think if she did stop and talk with him, she would be more likely to simply not say anything about seeing him than to make up some elaborate story. She'd want to hide the fact he was anywhere around her from me to avoid raising the very suspicions I'm having now.
Now, whether she "enjoys" the attention, could be. But again, she described herself as her heart pounding and shook up. And though she was mostly over that by the time she came home and saw me, I could tell she'd been emotionally shaken up. So either she's lying and a good actor, or telling the truth.
And again, my gut feels she's telling the truth. I really don't have anything to hang my hat on that she wants that.
And as far as calling the police, she agreed if he did it again, we should. I agreed to that, primarily because if he was simply testing the waters to see if she would pull over so they could talk, and that obviously failed, he may just give up and wait another three months or so before deciding to try again. I don't think he has any evil intent other than he wants her attention. He wanted to "contact" her without directly contacting her by giving her the opportunity to make the first move. Not getting it I hope proves to him it is over. Go get a life.
But knowing him, we both think if we called the police and they visited him, that would certainly put an end to it. He's apparently anal about obeying rules.
I'd contact law enforcement now ... our OW started getting more and more stalkerish as time went by.
A married woman is usually a big turn-off to normal single guys.
Yet they did it anyway. And he also has been the BS in a previous marriage. You'd think the last thing he would do is start a relationship with a married women, knowing what it did to him when his wife cheated on him. But the OP is in as much of a fog as the CS, and consequences are just obstacles to overcome to get what you want, so ignore them as much as possible.
Okay, venting done. Now, I understand why you are saying this. But the deal is, if he continues, it will get reported. He's not the kind to keep pushing for it if the police get involved, so I'm sure a visit or such from the police would scare him silly. Even an email from me, letting him know I know about the stalking, and that I'm going to report it if it continues, would likely end it. I've been thinking about that.
But I don't see much difference in waiting until the second time before reporting as the first. The second time will confirm that he isn't just testing the waters, but really trying to snag her back in.
Just so stupid. He has to know he has no hope of getting her back, and even if he did without me knowing about it, once I discovered it, it would go all bad on him all over again. And my wife has told me that she doesn't think a long term relationship with him would work. There are just so many things I do and am like personality wise that he isn't, that she couldn't live with. And she figures there is a reason he's never held onto a relationship for very long.
So he has a chance to end it. If he doesn't, it will certainly get reported. Thing is, if he does it again, I expect it will be in another week or two, in which case we'll report both instances at that time. So this one would get included in a report at that time.
Good for your wife being honest with you and not stopping to chat with him.