It sounds like she just doesn't try to see anything from your point of view =(

I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't. I know this has been an ongoing issue for the two of you and that you've tried to discuss with her the reasons why you feel you shouldn't have a child right now.

I guess, since she's thrown the ultimatum out there, just take some time to weigh the pros and cons of leaving the relationship. Maybe is staying is worse than leaving.

If she does get pregnant via IVF, what will be your role and legal responsibility?

Jessie- the counselor did tell us both to think about what we could do to help the other person see eachothers point of view. the dumb thing is i understand why she wants another kid, i may not agree but i understand. and i dont get why she cannot see that we cannot afford it. BUt yes i do need to weigh both sides.
Blind - the positive side is she did say that if she does get pregnant via ivf, than she expects that she would leave as she knows i would not be ok with that. and she never had any intention of me being any role in its life. which eases my mind some, being i was so stressed that she was going to force the kid on me.

So your wife is seeking out pregnancy that for sure will end the relationship. So in other words she is seeking to end the marriage. An imaginary child is more important than you?

I'm sorry but why, oh why would you entertain this notion at all? I'm so confused and saddened. If she succeeds she will have her child (children?) from her marraige raised with a broken home, her new child fatherless but raised to see its siblings with a loving father. How lost is this woman? Why would anybody deliberately create a child that will spend its life feeling "less than" it's siblings? Deliberately seek out to break her loyal loving husbands heart again?

And if you think that you are free and clear just because she says so, your fooling yourself and she is fooling you too. I would absolutely look into the laws by you. If you are legally still married at the child's birth and she names you as the father, you could be in for quite a legal battle and based on your bleeding heart for her, you will likely be guilted into helping her anyway.

I'm usualy an advocate for rebuilding but your wife's behavior is making it very difficult for me to say it is best here.

I always say that the ow who get pregnant with another woman's H knowing he had a wife and kids, (such as in my situation), she has chosen to be a single mom and spend the rest of her life trying to make up for creating a child who will for sure have issues with how he was created.

So sad. I truely hope that she decides to put all of this ivf on the back burner for now while the two of you work through your problems and she should get to the bottom of her selfishly based actions. And they are selfish. They serve only her. Your children will realize that this child represents the end of mommy and daddys marriage, the child does not exist, and you will be broken. If she is doing for the sake of the child, she should adopt. Or get a puppy.

I'm with PinkPony - but I'll go one step further.

People who put their own selfish needs ahead of a child - piss me off. How dare she........and frankly - if you participate in creating this kid - then you need to be there every day for the next 18 plus years.

I can't beleive either of you are actually considering this. It's sick on every level.

If you can't afford to raise a child, hw is she paying for IVF??

ok I'm in and out here a lot, but if I remember correctly isn't your w medically morbidly obese and likes/wants to stay that way? That is also another risk factor for a pregnancy, and proof again that she thinking of herself, idiotically I might add, and not the child. And I don't know much about ivf, but isn't it expensive? can she pay that herself or is she paying that out of your salary,,ie, taking away from the kids you already have?

OH and btw in case she hasn't gotten it through her skull: WHEN YOU ARE A CHEATER THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS INVASION OF PRIVACY. UGH!!!!

Kansasgirl! That was my status a while ago: "After infidelity there is no reasonable expectation to privacy." !!!!

Distance.....it sounds to me like she's going to leave either way. Either you give her what she wants and she leaves after she's preg, or you don't and she leaves bc you didn't give her what she wants. Am I right? If so, choose the option that is healthiest for YOU, then you can continue to make an effort at reconciliation if that's what gives you peace.

But giving her a baby just to make her happy, even though she'll leave you, is probably not the best answer here.

pink - i like you am always a proponet of fixing things. but you are right it is a hard pill to swallow in this situation. I am not going to ive up, but if she leaves i am not going to beg her to stay. if that makes any sense.
Redlegs - i have not figured out how she is paying for it. the only two things i can figure is either her own credit cards that i do not ever see, or her parents are helping finance it.
Kansas - yes you are right she is very overweight, and is happy being over weight. Infact she knows that if she even lost 15% of her body weight she could become pregnat a lot easier due to hormones and stuff. but there in lies her whole thing of selfishness, that she needs to feed.
TEarymama - i do believe she does not deserve privacy, but she is just crafty enough to keep hidding things from me. yes i do think she is going to leave no matter what. but call me sappy or stupid or niave, but i still love her and still hope that she will eventually see reality.

Mr D,

Do you need head slide slap from another man.

If so put head next to screen.

Just freaking leave, give her life again to whom what and whom she wants to do it with. If she wants babies make a baseball team worth.

WOW DUDE MAN UP.,

Loving doesn't mean you have to sit for this abuse, and it is abuse. You are so deep into this pile of shit, you can't smell it anymore.

If she was beating your child and refused to stop, would you stay? Or would you take that child to a safe place and demand she get help?

I hope you would do the latter. Her behavior is severely abnormal and goes way beyond selfish. She has some major issues. She seems to not only be emotionaly abusive towards you but she is self abusive. She refuses to get to a healthy weight for this imaginary child, will put herself in a position to suffer for this imaginary child, and is fully aware of the probable outcome.

I hate being harsh and hate to say this but please WAKE UP and save yourself. You can live her from afar. But you are living her to the death of your heart.

You deserve so much more and she is clueless, selfish and being very unlovable.

Using your best judgement, is she healthy enough to have a child and raise it?

If you do not believe she is, and your still not giving up and in the relationship with her, you are giving your tacit approval to bring a new life into this situation, into her arms and psychologist to raise a new soul.

If you distance yourself from her, then its her doing and all her doing.

So, I would look at it another way. Are you willing to turn lose onto a young infant this woman?