Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I wish to God that I didn't have to be here posting this right now, but here goes. I ask that people refrain from nasty or mean spirited comments. Just looking for understanding.
The man I love, betrayed me, and I am hurt beyond words. It has been a month and a half since I found out everything. We had been in a semi long distance relationship because of his work. He needs to be across the counrty for about 5 months out of the year. Incredibly difficult, I know, but we did the best we could. I found out that he cheated, not once, but twice. The first time was last year. I didn't suspect it at the time, but after he came home, he treated me differently. He drank alot and was quick tempered, but somehow we made it work, or at least I did. The second time was earlier this year. We were constantly fighting and I wanted to end it, but I didn't know if that was what I really wanted to do. I am devastated and he is too. I have never seen him this way, broken. He wants to work it out, but only if we can be together year round. It is the only way we can do it. He's right, there is no other way, but I don't know if I can. I am so confused, angry, hurt. I can't sleep and have lost an insane amount of weight. I just can't function anymore. I still love him, I wish to God that I didn't but I do...how do people get thru this??
The man I love, betrayed me, and I am hurt beyond words. It has been a month and a half since I found out everything. We had been in a semi long distance relationship because of his work. He needs to be across the counrty for about 5 months out of the year. Incredibly difficult, I know, but we did the best we could. I found out that he cheated, not once, but twice. The first time was last year. I didn't suspect it at the time, but after he came home, he treated me differently. He drank alot and was quick tempered, but somehow we made it work, or at least I did. The second time was earlier this year. We were constantly fighting and I wanted to end it, but I didn't know if that was what I really wanted to do. I am devastated and he is too. I have never seen him this way, broken. He wants to work it out, but only if we can be together year round. It is the only way we can do it. He's right, there is no other way, but I don't know if I can. I am so confused, angry, hurt. I can't sleep and have lost an insane amount of weight. I just can't function anymore. I still love him, I wish to God that I didn't but I do...how do people get thru this??
I am going through something similar...it's extremely hard when your heart is broken. I am here if you want to chat..... Take things one day at a time. or even each moment till the next.
He owns his actions. He is the one who betrayed. You now have to figure out if you are willing to go forward with him, if YOU want to be with him.
Whatever you choose, you have been hurt and a part of you has been damaged forever. Most people here will recommend that you go talk to a counselor. You will need to understand about the hurt, and find yourself before you can work on your marriage. To go forward you will need to know who you are, what you want, and what you DEMAND from him. If his is unable to commit to that then you have your answer.
He will need to do the same things, then you can move forward to make your relationship work.
If after a month of knowing, you are still very emotional at work and school, then I do recommend that you see your doctor for some extra help from an anti-depressant. There is no shame in using it as a tool to help you cope and make rational decisions. I have done it and when it gets hard, I use them again. These drugs are better than using alcohol to drown the pain. Your doc can even prescribe an anti anxiety med such as xanix to help when the emotions or fights get to be really bad.
I wish you well, and hope that you can find some peace. good luck!
Keep writing down your feelings and thoughts; it helps. My heart breaks for both you and me but we gotta stay strong and know that we'll be okay.
People get through these episodes mostly with the passage of time. Six weeks or so is pretty fresh - you have to respect the script your brain is playing out right now. You are finely tuned to experience a very exaggerated response to the threat of losing a partner. Not all that different than touching a hot stove, really - you can only heal so fast.
Now here's the really irritating part - right now, the stress hormones in your system are making you miserable - because that's what they're supposed to do. They are triggering the shortness of breath, the weight loss, and the sleep deprivation. All of this is designed to get you actively engaged in scratching and clawing to preserve your access to a mate. Your ancient scripts will flood your brain with a near-panic response until..... it recedes, you breath a little easier, you start sleeping better, you gain perspective, and then... let's say a year or so later, you look back and wonder what in the hell made you think this was the defining moment of your life?
Think it won't happen? It happens to (almost) every single person who has been through the same life event(s). The brain can only sustain this attack on your psychological well-being for a temporary period of time. Given time, your own psychological defense mechanisms will kick in and grant their own relief from the symptoms.
My suggestion would be for you to speed things up with a timely visit to a psychiatrist, because until you can get your anxiety under control, you simply can't make any good decisions. A little Klonopin or its equivalent and you might be quite surprised how clear-headed you can become again.
And then, and only then, would I be making any decisions on my future with this partner or any other potential mate.
I did a quick read of your journal and you nailed it, "I don't want this to define me." Then, let me take you up on that very wise statement and suggest that you need to focus on dampening down the involuntary symptoms triggered by the philandering of a mate. There are numerous techniques for managing stress, some much healthier than others. I'd like to suggest you save your drinking for the happier days that are no doubt ahead, and talk to a psych about a more productive strategy for getting the sleep you need.
I also want to be among the first to completely push back on some of your more absolute statements about yourself and your future.... (and please understand these are not meant to be nasty or mean-spirited, just polite disagreement)....
1.) "I just can't function anymore."
Actually, I suspect you are doing better than you think and are pretty much in the worst of the turmoil right now, this minute. If you've made it this far, then you are by all appearances still functional and likely to start feeling incrementally better as each day, week, and month goes by - with or without an assist from modern psychoactive medicine.
2.) "I wish to God that I didn't (still love him), but I do."
And that's fine, and nothing to feel bad about. Please keep in mind at all times however that you can love someone very deeply and still figure out that an intimate relationship with them is too hard - perhaps unhealthy for lack of a better word. Just because you love someone deeply doesn't mean you're a slave to their next whim. You don't have to be fatalistic about the next phase of your life. Given a bit of healing and clear thinking, you'll be back in control of the next round of important decisions. They are not to be feared. You will be fine and life will absolutely go on. If it did not, billions of your contemporaries on this planet would have perished long ago. Too many of us who have been through this to think that you won't bounce off the bottom and come back intact from this. You will.
3.) "We can only make it work if we can be together year round."
Well, maybe, maybe not. Here's the more important item that MUST be true - you must be able to live a rich, happy, fulfilling life whether or not you two can live in the same space year round or not. That's how this has to go. You were not born with one arbitrary, "iffy" condition placed on all of your future happiness. Anytime you hear the little conversations inside your head suggesting that everything is black and white and that you're doomed unless you can pull off something problematic, just take a deep breath and try your best to pause. Again, this is your brain on drugs - in this case, self-manufactured drugs that are pushing you to take every possible desperate action to preserve your mate. You have to recognize your own emotional state for what it is - a nasty gift from your ancestors who were less enlightened about their own wiring. We have much better odds of outsmarting our own evil brain chemistry - mostly if we can just endure it for a while.
Broken2271, you must begin the process of becoming your own coach. I'd like for you to sit down and write a short list of suggestions you would give to any other good friend in similar circumstances. Take your own emotions out of the equation and free associate the advice you would give them if they were in your same boat.
...and then remember that millions of us at this very moment are in exactly the same boat and even though the storm is scary, we are alive and well and better days are ahead.
This one man does not define your life. There, I said it for you. Start thinking about that and get well as darn fast as you can.
MBZ