Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I found out 7 months ago that my wife had an affair with a co-worker. This affair lasted 5 weeks and was very physical with the exception of intercourse. I am in sales and I travel weekly we have two sons. My wifes explanation is she had thought I had checked out of our relationship and she felt very badly about herself. My wife is extremely attractive and gets hit on constantly. We have bee married for 20 years this past New Years Eve. I am struggling trying to get beyond this and have threatened to leave her on several occasions. My wife says she cannot live without me and will die without me. I am still deeply in Love with her but I cannot get over her betrayal. I have always treated my wife very good I take her everywhere buy her nice things have always been a good provider and excellent father two my kids. We lost our vacation home last spring and I am in the process of rebuilding a very large house. I have one son in college one in high school. I just do not believe I can hang in there and I am plagued with sadness everyday. Does anyone have any advice for me? Will I ever get beyond this? She absolutely devastated our lives. No one knows of this affair except me and my wife. Money really no issue I could move on and be fine. I just feel as though this will plague our marriage for the remaider of our days.....anyone have and advise for me (no counseling).
The first thing I have to say is that cheaters cop only to what they think you know or what you can prove. I'd be skeptical about her sincerity that they didn't have sex. Generally speaking adults don't get together to read the bible and hold hands.
Telling you that she had an affair because she thought "you checked out of the marriage" is what we betrayed spouses like to call "blame shifting" mostly because that's what it is.
Your wife cheated because she gave herself permission to cheat and that's usually a symptom of entitlement and not great character. If she was unhappy because you were checked out as she says, she had many available options on the decision tree to choose from that were healthier than blowing up your marriage with infidelity.
Options such as having an adult conversation with you and telling you she was unhappy is a good place to start. Or perhaps suggesting outside help like a marriage counselor. If all else fails then perhaps a divorce -before she gets involved with someone else.Affairs just don't "happen". They are a series of calculated lies and deceit. They aren't a mistake either. A mistake is forgetting the milk at the grocery store.
If she is truly contrite, she is getting off on the wrong foot by suggesting that you being checked out is the reason for her affair. Blame shifting does not equal remorse; it equals entitlement.
If she really wants to reconcile-read these articles about whether or not you see genuine remorse:
http://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/
http://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
I'm not going to tell you to do the 180 because it is a list of 'behaviors' that supposedly entices your wife to act differently. Again, I don't believe betrayed spouses cause their cheaters to cheat so I also don't believe anything that you do to "scare" her will make her act differently. Remember this if you remember nothing else: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That has to come from her.
Finally if reconciliation is what you want to do; you need to understand that you have to accept that things will never be the same (e.g. your level of trust) but you eventually will have learn to trust her anyway if you want any level of intimacy to return.
It's a very tall order even when the cheater does what they are supposed to and but the majority of the time they don't. You have to decide what your deal breakers are and it's okay for this to be one of them.
It definitely was for me!
Cheating turned out to be a deal breaker for me. I divorced him in the January 2014.
I remember those early days of walking around in a daze wondering what the hell just happened to my life. It definitely sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it.
I hope everything works out the way you want.
lemaym1.wordpress.com
I wish I had advice because I would listen to it as well ;) I am 7 months in and some days hurt as much ad the first, some are great. Its always there...
In the end I will probably leave but I keep hoping for a switch to go off in my brain. I focus on positivity everyday, i have a deep love for her but i have to conside that I cant be a part of this future.
They took this from us, no victim at play here but i certainly did not choose this path.
My best.
J
The only way true rebuilding occurs (and I am the eternal optimist who has eyes wide open) is if she is willing to change the entitlement behaviors that allowed her to make this (and probably more) very bad decision.
I am 5 months from DDay (discovery day). I was reading all the books, my CS (cheating spouse), was doing "everything right", but I felt something was missing. I did not want to live looking over my shoulder every minute for strange phone numbers on the bill, etc.
I stopped. I stopped going to MC (marriage counseling). I said, basically, you broke it, prove you can fix it and come back to me as an adult and let's see if we are ready to have a marriage at that point. By fix it, I meant, and stated explicitly, that he has entitlement issues that made him think going outside of marriage was ok if he felt "neglected", even though he never voiced that to me directly.
He is in individual counseling to focus on his behaviors and entitlement issues. I don't know if he will accomplish that change or not, it is too early to tell. I would like to stay married, I loved this person with my whole heart and would like to think I can, again.
What I found was that I had to find MY voice. I had to empower myself (emotionally) to carry on, with or without him. I am also going to start individual counseling to strengthen myself. I believe we all can use an outside voice to put a different spin on our thoughts.
I agree with Never, affairs don't just happen, they are calculated decisions and show entitlement behaviors.