It's totally normal! At least for me it was anyway. I would get to these points where I would feel like I was "testing" myself to see how much I wanted these kids. Some days, even weeks, I would be fine with the thought of not having kids and think "maybe I will be ok being childfree..." But then I would get a pregnancy announcement from someone, and it would send me into a depressed rage. I would say that there was probably almost a solid year where I went back and forth to make sure this is what I really wanted, and every time I ended up back at the same spot of wanting kids. I am sure that there are some people who have the same thought processes, and end up on the opposite path of childfree living. It is definitely a process to come up with the "right" answer for you and your family, but you will get there- it just takes time.

Yes absolutely. I threatened to leave my husband so many times I lost count. My reasoning was that I was the one who couldn't have kids, I was therefore a fraud that tricked him into marrying me. He deserved to be with someone who could give him kids. Awful, I know. We are lucky enough to now have a baby and are going through FET again (already one failed cycle in) for another...I am literally days away from the transfer and have decided that I can't look after the baby I have therefore should not be trying for another one. All of this is a defence mechanism to protect me from that awful feeling of failure that accompanies any unsuccessful cycle.
Sorry, a bit of a rant but trying to convey that any emotions or feelings you have during this horrible time are completely normal.

Mrs2014 I totally feel like my husband got tricked too! Sometimes i wonder if it would be better for him to be with someone who can give him kids right away.. but that's probably a train of thought for the guilt conversation... (We're still new to this journey and not sure that it's all me yet, but its looking like it) Good luck with the transfere and good for you for knowing your doubts are just a defense mechanism. I don't think i can handle labor or raising a child either- maybe thats my way of a defense mechanism.. thinking if i'll be terrible then it's better if we don't have any? i'll be sending you good thoughts because you've probably already proven yourself to be a great mom. if you weren't, you probably wouldn't be putting yourself through this all again.

Blbnjf- i'm in the exact same boat about getting announcements and it totally throws off my thinking line. A year though? How do you handle the back and fourth? I just want a decision and to know which path i'm going to take. I've only admitted to having IF in like early April though. I guess i can give myself another couple of weeks...

Well, it wasn't like I actually set my time at a year- it just kind of worked out that way. We took a break after a series of failed IUIs and did some more investigating into my body. I ended up having a small cyst that the dr wanted to monitor a bit before we started up IF treatments again, so that is how so much time passed. Now looking back though, I am very grateful to have had that time to think about what I really wanted. At the time I started this madness I was 30/31, so the dr was not as concerned with my age and taking the extra time, until we eventually found out that I have the ovaries of a 40 year old and that time was not on my side at all. That is how ultimately we ended up making the decision to not use my eggs at all. I am not sure how old you are, but you definitely have to take your age into consideration with all of this. If I had started this at 34(my age now), there would be no year long break now. There is no right answer though. All you can do is gather the information for your situation and make the best informed decision you can, because nothing is guaranteed at all in this game.

bibnjif, i hear that. I'm 33, so i'm told that my age isn't a factor at this particular point, but it's not so young either. I find it helpful to know that you and mrs2014 can relate. I thought i'm supposed to just know what i want to do- i'm not always kind to myself i realize, but sometimes i have high expectations. I think i'm starting to realize that with this journey i have to learn to be patient. Definitely not my strong suit at all!

Do you know the history of your female family members and any issues they may have had getting pregnant? My mom never had any problems getting pregnant in her 20s, but she went into early onset menopause beginning at age 36. We didn't connect the dots that it could affect me also until after I was already having problems getting pregnant. Once my dr learned that and did more testing, she concluded that I will likely go into early menopause too and that is why my ovarian reserve was so low for my age. Sometimes there are clues in your family history that can help lead to answers...

Totally, normal. I looked forward to the "my life if okay days". It is a nice break from all the sadness. I think experiencing not being able to have a child and thinking to yourself "I may not be able to be a mom", can just cause such heartbreak you forget how you felt about life when you thought it would be always be an option.