Hey all. Haven't posted in some time. Kind of just need to write something out since the past couple of weeks and weekend have been very hard to keep it together, and trying to express all this to anyone in my life is difficult, as you all know. I had to attend a bachelorette this weekend with a family friend who is expecting. I tried to prepare myself the best I could. So hard seeing her bump and just knowing I was sort of the elephant in the room where no one wanted to really bring too much up. I did my best and asked a couple of questions to try and clear the air that I can still do that and not fall apart...The worst part was three times when I went up in the house, each time they would talk to her about stuff. I could hear all of it. It was almost worse knowing the reason they felt they could all talk about baby names, feelings and everything was because I was no longer in the room. I spent a lot of time fighting tears and feeling so awfully alone. By the time Sunday came around I was so happy to be home, but the emotional damage was done and I'm just still trying to put myself back together. I tried to get my mind off things, but then I opened an email from acquaintance who I've done work with before requesting that I make something for "the most important room in the house - a nursery!" because she is expecting twins. Then, my sister texted me that "I should be so proud of my nephew" because he ate a piece of chicken on his own. He has had feeding issues, and I LOVE this kid more than anything, but sometimes I wish people wouldn't push their stuff on me like I need to do something or feel something. I'd be proud of my nephew if he threw a piece of poop at someone. Just sometimes things feel insenstitive the way it's worded to me especially when they know I am not in the best state of mind. I dont know - probably overly sensitive with that part but just all was too much at once.

On another note, we had our first appointment to get the ball rolling for IVF. Everything still looks good - with unexplained infertility, I now take that with a grain of salt, but also happy things are still in that area. My AMH level did drop from a 4.2 to a 2.4 since last June, which I got very nervous about, and my doctor kind of was like, well it declines with age (I am 30 right now). I know it's still in a healthy level but I can't help but wonder if any of the fertility drugs from IUI played a part in that. It's exciting to know we're back in the process of getting things going, but I'm scared out of my mind. Between the money and the odds and everything, kind of want to crawl under a rock and not be surrounded by the rest of lifes realities. But, we all know that's impossible so going to keep on keeping on, and taking steps each day to remain ok.

Last thought, and so sorry for my rant, does anyone have trouble accepting when others tell other people about what you are going through? Multiple times from my sister she's told me she's talked to people about what I'm going through, and then sometimes offers unwanted advice from those people. My husband, who I also know is experiencing this with me, told a coworker and friend of ours who I have to see every day...and some other people as well. I know my mom and MIL have shared, too. I totally get that people in my life are affected by this too, but sometimes I just feel like they get to talk about it, and here I am like great, everyone knows but will never ask me anything because they're afraid? Like they all feel awful for me, but no one reaches out directly to me. It's all just between everyone in my life and again, just being that damn elephant in the room.

Anway, happy Monday! I hope everyone is hanging in this week. Taking a huge deep breath XX